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| What sex, god, life says about me???
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So its lunch time at work, life is fine when im here, im so use to the lying and the persona i have created! I push the memeories and worrys to the back of my head, and become the livly, loud , bubbly gal everyone knows. Only if they new.
I have realised how good this is, writing all my darkest, deepest, thoughs and secerts down, in some way its a realise. Alot better than a diary, as that can be found and no one gets to see it, this way anyone can read it and have no clue, who or where im.
Its actually surprising theroputic. (as you can see im not the best speller, so you will have to bare with me) I have been reading other peoples problems and issues and i no its not good to feel glad, or a sense of relief, but i do reading that others out there are going through problems just like me. Makes me think im not the only one who feels like life is crap.
I have come to realise, that there is no God out there. If there was why are all these bad things happening, there lots of reasons out there, obviously non can be proven. I feel like Earth is a lonely cold place, and its getting worse by the day. How can we have faith when theres children out there selling drugs, having guns, doing drugs at 11 years old. Or if you see a little old lady being robbed on the street and people just pretend they cant see and walk on by. Some world. How can anyone have Faith?
This is the same in life, for me i just cant see the silver linning, i cant think of the positve, i try, like hey you have clothes and food and others dont.
Sorry im not always a complete downer, but im going through a ruff bit, when im low im low, when im happy im on top of the world (although this happens raely) The only time now adays im happy is on a night out when im drownding my sorrows, in a bottle of rose, or a double vodka and coke.
I have also come to realise i think i have a sex addiction problem, as i have never made "love", i lost my virginity on a one night stand, and have had over 15 sexual partners, half i cant remeber there names. All been when under the influence of drink or drugs. Why is this? who nos! I get lots of guy attention im an attractive girl, there have been a few guys who i have had real feeling for and was seing them for months, but i couldnt bring my self to sleep with them, as soon as i felt something i ended it and run a mile. I think it comes down to i dont want to be hurt by a man, i cant trust men, i use them and run, that way i never get closer enough. I dont even think i sleep with them for the actual "sex" itself, more for the fact, that whilst im there i feel loved and attractive, but i really couldnt tell you. if i have alchahol in me i will no doubt sleep with someone. And i will go for the older guys, prehaps my old teacher, a police man, my hoilday rep, guys who have some authority over me. Again WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME????
WHO KNOWS!!!!!!!!!
Well need a cigerett before lunch is over so i will be back soon!!!!!!!!
xxsophiexxxxxxxxxxxx
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Posted by SecertGal on 2007-10-11 05:34:23 | Rating: | Views: 98
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It's sad that you can't let someone love you. I think you are heading in the right direction with the blogging. It will be good for you to get it all out in the open so you can sort through it. Good luck sophie.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-10-11 08:10:32
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No wonder you see no place for faith...you got hurt once, and started a viscious cycle of drugs and sex...scared to be real with a man, but totally at ease fooling around. There is a dark fog over your eyes, and when reality peeks through, you slap on an eye mask and take someone to bed with a bottle in hand. Sounds like a wild ride with no substance in any of it. Why do bad things happen? Cuz of those with viscious cycles repeating mistakes. The faithless propogate the faithless; the corrupt inspire more to be corrupt. Sad to say, but that old lemming thing seems easy to follow and be true. If they jump off the bridge, why not me? I'm not going to condemn you...not my job or place...but, you have a choice. Stop the train and get off--since I think deep down you know you want love of a man without the bad cycle. Or, do what comes easy and feel like crying when you realize you just repeated yourself and have another toke/drink.
Think about it.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2007-10-23 23:10:48
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