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| It amazes me how dumb my wife thinks I am
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There's an old quote, it goes something like, "Liars better hope they were born with great memories." My wife was not blessed with this attribute.
About a month ago she started contact with an old boyfriend. They hadn't talked in over 20 years, supposedly, I am starting to wonder if that is even true. Anyway, the first week or so she was calling him like everyday. She doesn't realize the electronic fingerprints that we leave all over the place. I saw, from our cell phone records, all the calls she was making. I confronted her about it. She never would address why she made so many calls to him, that was one mistake, of many, she has made. She said I had nothing to worry about, it was just an old friend. I asked myself, if I have nothing to worry about, why wouldn't she discuss the calls, shouldn't I have something to worry about., why wouldn't she discuss the calls.
I was one miserable SOB for over 3 weeks, then she told me that it wasn't worth what it was doing to our marriage and she was going to cut off all contact with the guy.
I believed her. Skip ahead 2 weeks. Though some covert work on my part, I read some emails she sent and received from the guy. To make a long, boring story short, in the emails she told him that she would never lose contact with him. She also said that she might not be contact with him for awhile as she worked on me, to calm my fears about things.
My question to folks is simple: What should I do? If I give up too much info, she will realize that I have read some of her emails, I wanna keep that source of info open for obvious reasons. How should I handle this? Any and all responses will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Screwedagain
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Posted by Screwedagain on 2008-05-25 11:31:14 | Rating: | Views: 252
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Welcome to thoughts Screwedagain. Sorry that troubled times bring you to our little blogging community.
The first thing you need to realize is you have absolutely no control over what another person does. The only control you have is your response to the actions of another. If you wife wants to see this former boyfriend she will do it. People can be very creative when it comes to these sorts of things.
Trouble in a marriage doesn't come out of the blue. It brews for awhile and then explodes like a volcano. You did not say how long you have been married or if you and your wife are close. From your post it's pretty obvious there is trouble in paradise. The barn door is open and the horse is very restless and eyeing the barn door.
The fact that your wife refused to talk with you about this and your response was to sneak around and figure out a way to get into her email account tells me there is a lack of communication and respect in your marriage. Problems and thoughts and feelings most likely are not discussed openly and honestly.
Actually I don't think your wife thinks you are dumb. When people embark on an affair part of them wants to get caught. Since your wife can't talk to you in words and communicate what the problem is in your marriage she is using the cell phone bill to communicate with you. The message being that things are not going well ... her needs are not being met .... something is missing in your marriage .... she is lonely ... etc. etc. For any relationship to work, open honest communication is a requirement, not an option. Stop sneaking around reading her emails and go to her. Voice your concerns about the lack of communication in your marriage. Tell her you want things to be better (only if you do, of course) and ask her what changes could be made to get things back on the right track. If you are someone who could handle going to a counselor suggest that. You can't force her to open up and talk to you ... all you can do is try. Hopefully it's not to late to mend what is wrong in this relationship. I wish you much luck in all this. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-05-25 23:58:31
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Thank you for your advice, it is solid and makes a lot of sense. Sometimes knowing what is going on is worse than wondering what is going on. Sneaking around and finding out info like I did is actually worthless. I can't use the information with her, if I did, I would be busted for sneaking into her email
I spoke to her today and used the advice you provided. We are going to go visit a therapist. We both already see therapists, we met in therapy (we have been married 19 years this October), so we know what works and we will attempt to work it out there. I really think that I let my mind run away with this. It is so easy to let happen.
Thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it.
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Posted by Screwedagain
on 2008-05-26 21:43:21
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You are most welcome. I was a bit worried I had been to direct with you. Beating around the bush doesn't seem to be my style. It's very easy for the mind to run away with things, especially when those things involve the heart. Happens to me more times than I care to admit. It's good that you are addressing this situation in an adult manner with respect and honesty. I wish you and your wife much luck, love and happiness. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-05-26 23:50:09
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