So, this is the first time, that i have ever wrote a blog. So am feeling a bit scared and apprehensive!! It's just that ive got a lot on my chest and need to get some of my feelings down. So what, i want to write about tonight. Is that i was sort of falling in love with this guy, when he dropped this bombshell on me. He told me that he had deep feelings for me but was currently going out with another girl and was in love with her. Now my whole world came crashing down. And it was a pain i hadn't felt before. I would cry and cry and although my friends and family, told me that i was best cutting all contact with him. I didnt and continued to talk to him.
Now this is were the dilema begins for me. Although that i am over him. The strange thing is that he has a hold over me. I think that even though, he has a girlfriend i want things to go back to the way they were. As selfish of me as that is He continually tells me that he wishes that it could to. That he wants me in his life and would be lost if i did cut all contact with him. So for a couple of weeks, we became good internet friends. And nothing about us was mentioned.
Until a few weeks back, when he was at a lost and he asked me to go with him to a scottish festival. I didnt know what to do. Would i accept? or tell him some lie that i was busy. I was kind of half and half. In one way i was happy that he would ask me. Maybe i thought, in some small way. That maybe he wanted something to happen. And on the other hand, i was annoyed . Was he just asking me because his girlfriend couldnt go. And i was just the back up plan. Thats what i dont want, i want to be someones first person. Meaning that, if he was asked to go somewhere, that the first person he thought off.Was me and wanted me to go. Before thinking of someone else. I dont know if thats selfish but that to me shows that someone loves you.
Now all these old feelings are coming flooding back. I come home from work and cant wait to go online and talk to him or text him. He's got back into my head and the worst thing is that im starting to think that he's playing games. Now why should i want this. I think that, the only person im my life thats been constant  is him!! Hes been here through my grandads illness. And the only person that i think that listens to me is him. Also i love his personality and his jest for life. Hes the one that picks me up and tells me and sometimes shows me life will be ok. He makes me laugh and smile. He tells me im gorgeous and lovley and that he would love to do "more" with me if i wanted to.
Am i being crazy?? Should i have feelings for him?? Am i being a selfish bitch?? Should i just move on or see where things go??
Hope to here from anyone, that wants to comment. On this weird matter.
Till next time,
                    Sarah Louise xxxxx