he comes into my room, its time for me to get up... no one in the house is up, except him.... he is always the first to wake up, and im always the second... everyone thinks that i want to be up early, but really i hate it... he makes me... i crawl out of my room so he doesnt come back.... i know what i am suppose to do, but im tired of it... i know now that it is wrong.... i get out of my room and i look at him... he has a weird look on his face, he's waiting....  i know what will happen if i try to say anything... i still have a bruise on my arm from the last time... i look down and the silence remains... he doesnt want to say anything... he thinks that if he waits ill eventually willingly come over and sit in his lap like every other morning...

after a few minutes i get tired of standing there with im staring at me, i decided to try to go to the bathroom... but i have to walk by him... i attempt it anyway, and he doesnt stop me... i make it to the bathroom and begin wiping the tears off of my face... i dont know where these tears came from, but they were coming out fast... then i hear him stand and i freeze... i know he is headed for the bathroom that im standing in... i begin to shake... i hear his footsteps outside of the door... i look into the mirror and i see my face is completely red and im crying really hard now... my entire body is shaking with fear, and im not sure if im breathing... then the door opens and he see's me at my weakest moment... he takes advantage of it... he comes up to me and grabs my arm so hard that i want to scream in pain, but i know if i scream i will really regret it later... he takes me into the living room and he lets go... i want to run, but i know its pointless now he is sitting in the chair and he looks at me... he tells me to sit and i want to vomit now... i obey.... once again.... there is nothing i can do tho... as his hand goes down my pants silent tears fall down my face again... im scared, and im in pain.... and if he knows im crying he will hurt me... he will hurt me bad... i start to focus on fighting the tears and controling my fear again... it wont be long before he stops... i just have to suffer thro...

thats what i always did, suffer thro... after that i never showed my weakness again... he never saw me like that again... but over time i tried to scream, and was taught that i shouldnt do that.... i tried to fight back, and i was taught that he was stronger than me.... i tried to hide, and i was taught that he would go after my brothers and sisters (of course later i learned he went after them anyway)... so many years of fear inside my own home...

i fought to be strong (or at least act it)... but after that day, he knew i was scared to death.... i was only seven maybe eight... and it took me another seven years to stand up and stop him.... it took me another seven years to get my brothers and sister to safety....

yet look at what has happend since.... i dont think i really changed anything... they are all going thro so much pain right now, and its because i couldnt speak up sooner

i was a coward, and everyone suffered because of it....

one day my little sister is going to realize everything and she is going to see how it was my fault... she was brave enough to say something, and she was younger, why couldnt i? she will know, and she will hate me.... ive raised her... i love her so much, how will i survive when she hates me....

im so scared... im scared to sleep, im scared to leave the house, im scared to stay in the house... im scared of myself and the people around me, im scared of my past, im scared of my future, im scared to loss, im scare of what ive lost, im scared to love, im scared to believe

everday and every night i hurt... i want you to understand, but no one does... they can all see my pain, im not trying to hide it anymore.. but no one cares enough to reach out to me... but im use to it, ill keep pushing myself to my limits.... i may be losing my sanity, but i dont really care... i feel guilty because of those that love me right now.... i know im not treating them right... but how do you tell someone that you'll never be able to love them.... i thought my last "relationship" taught how to love, showed me what love is... but ive lost that now.... now i feel like that entire "relationship" was just a big game, a joke... something was bound to break, and in the end it was me... i wish somebody understood, but at the same time i hope no one ever does... im okay with being by myself... ive always been alone, ive always had to take care of myself.... im alone, but i can deal with it.... ill pull myself back together eventually i always do... and after i pull myself together i know it will only be so much time before i fall apart again