| View Blog
|
|
| So much for happiness....
|
|
|
So much for happiness.....my life has taken a turn....a major turn with lots of decisions to make. I'm so messed up in the head right now. Been in tears all weekend. Not to mention a drinking binge which is so unlike me.
Last week was a lil hectic to say the least at work. I was just told that I have to do a presentation in front of our sales staff the first week of December. Have to hand in my summary of what I will be saying tomorrow. Well I'm not ready. I just found this out on Wed afternoon. Was upset the way that the whole situation came down. A co-worker just told me matter of factly while walking by. He was originally suppose to do the presentation but the H/R person in our company (who I don't get along with) told him to pass on the message. Now coming from an H/R person I think it's very immature for her to go to him directly and not myself. Even through email. So I went into my boss to discuss the situation with him on Friday. A week ago I was in discussing the H/R issue and this is just an extension on our discussion. Well out of the blue he told me that there is another problem. One of my staff have filed a complaint against me basically saying that I am a bully supervisor and intimidating!! WTF?????? I was stunned! My staff have all been working for me for over five years. If anyone had a complaint you would think that they would have brought up the situation with me. I got defensive because he would not give me facts, the name of the person etc. So how the hell am I suppose to fix something if I have nothing to go on. I was soooo upset. Personally I think this is all coming out now because of my issue with the untouchable H/R person and it's a personal attack on me. I have been with the company for almost 11 years. I have nothing negative in any of my reviews over the years so what is really going on. When I mentioned to my boss if this had anything to do with the H/R complaint he replied no. Anyways, I came out of his office very upset and ended up calling a g/f and was in tears. Thank God for corner cubicles. No one noticed. My g/f calmed me down and told me to get through the day and then contemplate my next move which is what I did this weekend.
I still feel that the whole incident is a personal attack and will be emailing my boss to have further details of what the claim is. Secondly, the more I think about my life, my career etc. I think it's time for some major changes. I thought about this the whole weekend and keep coming back to the same conclusion. I need to get my life in order. I need to make decisions and follow them through. I haven't been truly happy in a very long time. Even though meeting "A" at the right time seemed to make me happy temporarily. I'll right about that in a minute. So now the thought that is going on inside my head is to relocate. Start over. My family lives out in BC. I've been talking about moving out there for years but never did it because something or more like someone was in my life keeping me here. The way I see it is that I'm forty years old and keep going in circles in my life. The men, the drama, the finances etc. A major change and a different career and outlook may be just what I need. I wrote out a list of things I need to look at before making any drastic changes and when I look at the list it looks like it could possibly work. I know my stepmom would be the happiest woman in the world if I lived out there since she worries about me everyday. My Dad is in his own lil world with his current wife but I'm sure he would be happy as well since we only get to see eachother every few years. Not to mention I love Vancouver. The mountains, the fresh air, the ocean. I cry everytime I get on a plane to come back to Toronto. What does that say? lol I keep going back to the same question in my mind as well. My mom died when she was 49. If I only had 9 more years left of my life.....what do I really want to see, do, experience etc. There is so much out there waiting to be experienced and I keep living my dreams around the men in my life at the time. Reflecting on the past it has happened in every relationship in my life. I need to start living for ME. Put my happiness in front of everyone's. Even though that sounds really selfish for me to even be typing it, it's how I feel right now. I have nothing/no one keeping me in Toronto. It's been that way since my mom passed away. I've just been to scared and never ready to make any moves. Now just may be the time to take the leap. Anyways, that's what I'm going to work on to see how I can make it happen.
Now on the subject of "A" I know the last time I wrote I was kind of on top of the world. Very happy with the way things all worked out with him. I was enjoying the company, the attention etc. But last week things kind of changed when he started to tell me about his life, how complicated it is etc. The whole reason that he was over here everyday is that he's trying to escape his reality. Why do I attract men like that? Anyways, he has so much on his plate. He's unhappy with job, stressed out, his ex g/f that he has two kids with wants him to sponsor her in Canada but he says he doesn't want to marry her even though he says he has feelings for her because she is his kids mother. He's flying down to see his kids next month for three weeks over Christmas. I asked him the question as to where he stays/sleeps. Just curious of course. Well his response stung when he said that honestly he sleeps in her bed. He is a very blunt and honest man so I shouldn't have been shocked but after spending so much time with him I thought we were building into a relationship. Well.....I was WRONG! At that point I didn't know what to say to him anymore....then he drops another bomb and told me that he has a major problem that we haven't discussed and told me that there is a woman that doesn't live in Ontario anymore but is basically suing him for child support payments and claiming that he fathered yet another daughter. WTF??? He says that she is refusing to do a paternity testand she was with other men so he doesn't believe the kids is his. She didn't pursue him till two years ago. WOW...talk about drama. So where does he decide to tell me all this information? When we were in a very romantic setting down by the beach at midnight. He was taking me for a walk to clear my head on Friday since he knew I had a rough day. Ok so this really cheered me up. Bundled up in warm clothes, lying on a beach at midnight, watching the stars in the winter. Should have been kissing or something...but nope..no romance, only alot of information that I was shocked to hear. It was at that moment I zoned out from what he was saying and thought what am I doing with my life and everything else I wrote about above. We came back to my place, had a couple of drinks and since he had drank to much he couldn't drive so he slept over. No touching, no nothing. Saturday morning we woke up, had breakfast and he asked me to come with him downtown. I did and it was so that he could find a suit for my Christmas party which is in a couple of weeks. The whole time I'm thinking....am I even going to be seeing you in a couple of weeks? Hope he didn't waste his money. Went to starbucks and had a coffee to warm up. Then he dropped me back to my place and left. He said he would call me later. Never did hear from him till today. I called a few g/f's to find out if anyone wanted to go out last nite but everyone had plans so I went out on my own. Had alot of bikini martini's (must admit they were yummy) untill I was basically drunk. Might have to do with the fact that I didn't eat any food yesterday. I know I know...I'm paying for it today!
Today I slept most of the day away. Did some job research online. Trying to focus to figure out what my next step is. One thing for sure I need to do a resume. Haven't needed one for 11 years!!
This afternoon I got a phone call from "C" Mr DJ. He has been calling and calling but "A" is always here so I haven't spoken with him for a couple of weeks. Now that I haven't been available he wants to pay more attention to me. What's up with men???? So frustrating. This is the guy that made me have butterflies in my stomach and before "A" came along he was the man that I was interested in. There's just something about him that makes me weak. Well I finally answered the phone today since I'm alone and even just hearing his voice made the butterflies come back. Whats up with that? He said he wanted to see me and that's why he's been trying to reach me but I didn't answer his calls. I told him the truth and said I was seeing someone and told him what happened at work etc. He was always easy to talk to and had an opinion on everything. He understood exactly what I was saying. He thinks the whole relocation thing makes sense and said he has even thought about moving out there. I thought he was joking when he said....do you need a roommate? I laughed and he said...I'm serious. I just changed the topic. Well we talked over almost an hour which is the longest conversation since I met him or at least on the phone. He's not much of a phone person but he's sick and said he would have loved to come over to talk things over with me but he felt crappy. We're going to have dinner a week from tomorrow. His birthday is that week so I said we would celebrate early. I felt alot better after talking to him and decided to actually eat something.
Well that's my life as it is right now. Confused, sad, hurt, angry.....that's me. I know this black cloud over my head will pass but for right now it's hear and I have to deal with it. Trying to stay positive.
Take care till I write again....
peace
SadBlueEyez
|
|
Posted by SadBlueEyez on 2007-11-18 19:14:54 | Rating: | Views: 91
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
hi blueeyez!
so many of the things you have said resonate for me too.
been attempting a career shift - YIKES!
from what you have said, the idea of thinking of yourself seems very good!
DUMP THE DUDE!
have you thought of Calgary? booming economy and you'd be closer to your family...
good luck!
:o)
cheers!
|
|
Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2007-11-18 19:37:22
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
