Thoughts.com Blogs - Loved and lost

Hello to high and dry...

So can anyone define space? 'Cause my boyfriend told me today, in a text message no less, that he thinks we need some "space." What an annoying vauge movie-like phrase. And now here I am, sitting on my bed not studying for chemistry, not being able to think about anything but what "space" is supposed to mean.

I mean, what the hell? I dont even need him. Yeah, I could find anyone else in a heartbeat if I wanted to. Guys ask me for my number and hit on me in various manners constantly. So, hes not really hurting me with his space thing. I told him from the get go that when he wanted out, I would let him. Im not the girl to cry and beg and wonder what I did wrong and try to convince him that I'm worth his time. If he doesnt know that, then he's not worth it anyway...

Except. He is. And I love him. And thats why this is killing me.

God, when did I turn into this girl... woman... whatever. I hate this. Its so pathetic. Just like crying over some guy is pathetic. I've got my education to worry about and working this summer. And he was nearly worthless anyway, I mean, he had no goals or direction. On paper he is nothing that I want...

But. I had really started picturing it, you know? Him working at a local newspaper and mygoing to grad school. Coming home to him and cooking together at nights. It didnt seem like a stupid silly distant daydream... it seemed like a tangible future. Then suddenly he's dropping out of school, which, okay plenty of people do that. I was made to rock the undergrad years, with SGA and GPA's and etc... he wasn't. We're so different. Too different apparently. But I was okay with that. He needs to do what he needs to do, and I support him.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job with the girlfriend thing. He's the first one i've really tried with.

Still. I deserve to be taken care of for a change. and if all of this is because he's worried about taking care of me. which I suspect it is... then I don't know what I want. I just want him to be happy, as cliched as that sounds. But I want me to be happy too. I want things to go back to the way they were...

but they don't ever do that, do they?