Thoughts.com Blogs - Valentine's Day Thoughts

View Blog

Valentine's Day Thoughts

Well I thought I would write this before Valentine's Day ended in my time zone at least, especially now that I finally have a working computer back and will try to keep this up daily.

It was a strange day for me, I actually was able to forget what day it was for large parts of the day for the first time in a long time. It was a great day to do that for someone that is single; something, forgetting the day, that was mostly accomplished by losing myself in a Borders Bookstore looking at one of my hobbies, manga. Actually found a few manga and this evening got my chance to see Batman Begins, something I haven't seen in a long time; also got to see something that gave a lot of laughs, Airplane II The Sequel, and I just realized that there haven't been nearly as many Valentine's Day specials on this year as in past, which was a small blessing in disguise I think...

It also gave me a chance to think on many things, my computer breaking, having to get a new one, and work... but something I desire to say on that will wait until tomorrow...

Being the day that it still is, Singleness Awareness Day, I also had a chance to think about being alone and maybe it was because I was walking a lot today, maybe it was because I had nothing to do with the day itself in terms of direct interaction with those that carry flowers, or cards, etc. for the first time in a long time, maybe it was because I was able to get books that I had been seeking for some time, and get a few pre-orders in for ones I am eagerly awaiting, maybe it was because the television just didn't really play it up this year for some reason other then diamond ads, which I am positive were the same exact ones they just aired for Christmas, maybe it was because of all of these things or something entirely different but it didn't really hit me what today was full force until just recently, so in a sense it was just a normal day for a change for a large part of the day.

Does that mean it was good, well it wasn't the typical hide myself from the world type of Feb 14th... that said I was still aware at odd times of the day of being single and very aware of it when seeing couples kiss which never helps but again even the odd times they baby talked to each other about being Valentine's was not as frequent this year as I remember such times being in past years... So I am not sure what was up this year, since I know one does not ever fully get over being and having always been single on this day of the year... and anyone that says they have is deluding themselves, I know it is not simply a matter of "getting over" being single on this day of the year or "maturing" past the point of noticing it... something was different though to cause it to so easily almost slip completely under most people's radar and sensors.

This year too though I also thought about a very dear friend who lost her love recently when he decided to break up with her...

She is someone I care for but I am not sure on what level, she is someone I love that is without question; perhaps my love for her is for someone I love and consider family in all ways one can be except by blood, or perhaps more, perhaps she is more then a friend but not more then a sister, perhaps she is more then a sister but not more family, I honestly am not sure anymore and even if someday I am, she is someone I will never pursue for many reasons without signs she desires the chase; and she is the only one I would ever wait for signs she wants the chase to commence chasing... says the lonely man that has never had anyone on this day in this life and would probably miss the signs she wants to be chased even if they were as obvious as the Batsignal over Gotham and as large as a commuter train...

All of that aside, most of my thoughts were also with her this day... it is the first in a long time she has had to face this day without a relationship and I imagine she did wall herself away in her own way this day, or perhaps faked being happy, either way I know she fought on, on the surface at least seemingly better then I do... just to be clear about what I next say the thoughts that were with her were not ones of pity, and sympathy taken the wrong way can be worse then unwanted pity, it was more sharing the pain of one I love even if I can not claim to fully understand the pain, I merely know they are in pain and feel pain as a result, if that makes sense.

Whatever we are to one another, we know each other very well, she and I sort of learned from one another too, so while a great distance of many aspects might seperate us, we still are learning, and have learned from one another of the years. We have learned to hide our pain, to go out in public with a laugh, to wear a smile, to bounce along and joke with others, and to never let anyone see the sweat, pain or even flinching that might be going on inside, never let anyone see a weakness in public at least even when in private or when inside we might be emotional wrecks; true this is not the healthiest thing to do but it is one that both of us have found to be very effective over the years and one we sort of taught one another.

Thing is because I've known her over ten years now, even over e-mail we both know when the other is bluffing, so maybe seeing her bluff in a recent communication from her when she told me all was doing okay (a clear message to me she is in pain and not ready to talk about it yet) also had me oddly thinking of someone else going through perhaps something far worse then having always been alone on this day, that is of knowing what it is like not to be and having to return to being alone on this Singleness Awareness Day.

To be honest I realize I am rambling now, but any that read this I am curious what your thoughts are about this day, Feb 14, how it went for you, what you might seek to avoid remembering the day is what it is, or what it feels like to go through this day alone or with someone... what you do to find another for this day even if it ends up being nothing more then two ships passing in the night... any and all comments are welcome as usual.