Thoughts.com Blogs - The Continuing Story of Denim Fire

View Blog

The Continuing Story of Denim Fire - Part 1

Hi, my name is Denim, and people love me. I don’t know why; but they see something in me that I just can’t. Everything I do, I just do; and everyone else seems to think that I do what I do to be different, to show off what I have; when in all reality I am just doing simple things that come off as ‘showing off.’

Here’s a good example: at a party the other day, one of my friends said ‘look at you; thinking your all badass.’ Now there are several funny things about this statement.

1. I hate myself.
2. I am not trying.
3. I couldn’t care less.
4. I had my hand in my pocket
5. a cigarette in my hand
6. and eyeliner across my eyes

And for some reason; those last three seemed to present the idea that I am ‘bad Ass’ even though I wasn’t trying to; I was just standing comfortably having a cigarette. Isn’t that ridiculous? I don’t try to look good, I don’t believe I look good, and yet I still get looks like I am conceited or in love with myself because I am ‘attractive.’
Anyway, the way I see myself, and in a lot of cases, the world, is quite different from everyone else. I don’t know why I have all these problems with myself; probably to ensure that no one can ever call me conceited even though they do anyway.
I see the world in a half Wiccan, half philosophical and ethical way. It’s an interesting concept to see the mixture of the god and goddess with the logical thinking of Plato and Aristotle.

My girlfriend loves me, she loves me a lot. She would do anything and everything for me; even if it only made me happy for a few seconds. There is a lot of security in a relationship where you know the other is so in love with you, you will never lose her; even if you don’t return the same feelings for her. Or you don’t understand it enough to know if you love her or not; but from what I know of love, I don’t. I have never felt towards a single person what everyone describes as ‘love’. Well I have, just not to anyone that I’ve actually been able to have the wonders of being with. I seem to fall in love with those who don’t care about me; and then I end up rebounding onto some girl that wants me. I don’t know if I stay with her because I ‘love’ her, because she loves me, because I don’t want to hurt her, or because I know I have nothing to worry about as long as I am with her.
To her, it would be lying if I came out one day and said I didn’t love her; but to me its not, it’s realizing the truth. She is a wonderful girl, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think she’s the one for me… which sucks because it seems like I’m the one for her.

There have been girls that I lost the chance with; because of such a relationship; which really disappoints me because it seems as if in all of those relationships, while I would be less secure in the strength of the relationship; I myself would be much happier… as I would have those feelings of love for such a girl. I knew one once, but god knows where she is by now. The chipper, happy, always smiling, Fox. Not just was she a fox, but that was her name. I don’t know if I fell for her harder because she was the happiest person I’ve ever met; or because her name was the perfect description of her. Either way, if she came home; oh I would be right here waiting… otherwise, I’m at a loss.

She’ll be home someday; but by then; who knows where we will be. I would have taken her a long time ago; when she felt the same for me… but she was leaving, so why break my own heart?
Some tangent about a lost angel I suppose.

Things go up, things go down, the world spins round and then we hit the ground.

I don’t know why I feel the way I do; I just do. I can’t seem to explain myself to myself, never mind anyone else. My never ending fear of hurting another person persuades me away from the thought of hurting her; even if it would be for my own good and happiness.

It doesn’t really make much sense to want to lose something that loves you, treats you so well, and would do anything for you. The difference is, I am not in love with her the way she is with me. It took me a long time to figure that out; but now I am almost certain that this must be the truth; and I have just been covering it up for years… thinking about no one except everyone else.