One of those days, and unfortunately they're happening more and more.  Awoke to construction workers finishing some work.  Daughter up and unhappy about her life right now.  I understand where's she's coming from but I'm the mom, what do I know......

Left for MRI's.  Cervical neck and lumbar spine.  It was another trip down pain lane.  Spent 35 min. in an MRI machine that had no neck support, vibrated and caused my lower back to cause pain and pins & needles down my right leg.  So I spent the next half hour driving home, ouch, then I come home to noise, dirt, dust, daughter in better mood, kinda, and hubby having had enough of living with an injured person.  This means our dreams for the future and not going to happen and the only option we see right now is a the total opposite.  I am no longer be able to travel and it doesn't look good that that gonna change in the next decade.  1/2 car trip does me in for the day, weather can cause more pain than I thought humanily possible to live through.

Everytime I have to hear about how bad hubby's life is because of all the increased pressure on him, how sad he is because of all the things we can't do,etc.  I just feel worse and worse about my life.  I'm tired of hearing so much negativity about me.  There's always something that he complains about, always has, always will.  But the question is how much longer I can do this.  If it's not him complaining about something, it's my daughter complaining about her life.  Here I am in pain constantly, no meds to take to help, can't do much of anything. I never thought I wish I could do housework like I want to right now, but anyway.....

All day I've had the feelings and thoughts that make me wish I didn't have a family.  I want to be left alone, I'm tired of worry about everyone else and making decisions based on them and their feelings.  I want to be able to do what I want when I want and if it's going to cause me pain, that's my decision to make without someone upset that I didn't spend time with them doing something everytime I felt good.  Why is being selfish such a hard thing for mothers and woman.   I want to just call life quits right now.  I don't eat much at all most days because I'm to exhausted, it will add to pain, I don't care to, and I just don't care.  I've lost 15 lbs.in the past year and I was already thin, and I'm beginning to wonder if I might just slowly die from malnutrition and it's complications and not feel as guilty as if I planned to quickly end my life.  Crazy somewhat, but I'm thinking these thoughts.  As I said my hubby's a shrink and I really need to talk with someone about all that's happened but he insists he can help me and if I see anyone our marriage is over.  What an idiot and sorry person.  The only problem is is that there's no one I know of that is any good and takes insurance.  Honestly if there is one thing I have learned it that there are alot of shrinks/therapist/analysts out there with minimal education, but enough to get licensed to the Ph.D.s that really don't know what they are doing.  But I'm at the point where I don't care.  I don't need someone to help me change my life, just to listen to me because Iknow I have the answers in me, I just need some hope.

And then there are moments like now when I wish I didn't have a daughter because I would end my life and let him live with that pain, just like I'm living with the pain he cause me, plus the pain I have and am allergic to pain meds, so my life is useless. I have truly been unable to do much more than watch tv without causing pain. 
So, hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little better emotionally.  Of course all anyone here will ask is how I'm doing physically while I again have to hear how they are unhappy emotionally.........Life goes on, unfortunately.