I'm beginning to feel it, the stress and anxiety that comes with entering your senior year of high school. When I think about all that’s riding on this year, I want to cry. It’s just too much. I goofed off for three years and now I have to deal with the consequences. My GPA is in the toilet and in order to access the money my parents have put aside for college, I have to get a 2.5 GPA or higher. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to keep up with all the demands. I have to take the ACT again and try to get two more points to get a 26. If I can do that, I have a chance at getting some scholarships and it improves my chances of getting into college.

            On top of all of the above, I’m still dealing with both physical and mental health issues. My weight is on the rise again, I’ve become terrible at taking my meds, which help me get through the day. Plus, unbeknownst to my mom, I cut again. For that, I am so angry with myself. I’d gone six months since having an incident and now I’m back at square one. People make jokes about cutters and say it’s for attention or self abusers must be idiots, why else would they do that to themselves. It’s surprisingly easy to get caught in the debilitating circle of self harm. You do it once, maybe when you’re very angry or bored or just not feeling too good about your self. You think “Hey, maybe this will show them” or maybe “I wonder what would happen if…?” Later, you think how stupid these thoughts actually are, but when it’s going on, you don’t think about it. When you actually do break the skin, and you start to bleed, you feel calmer, and sort of sleepy, in good way. It becomes addictive, and all your coping mechanisms are replaced with cutting. You get upset and unable to deal and you cut. I’ve had three hospitalizations, every time I was taught the right coping skills. But just like drug, it’s very hard to quit, and very easy to fall back on. I hope and pray I’ll make it through this year.