Welcome fellow web warriors!

Your buddy Allen is here today with a new lease on life...THAT'S RIGHT, my demanding, belittling, evil, Alzheimer's ridden, fascist of a grandmother croaked. Three cheers and all that. So I know you're all wondering what this means for the life of ol' Allen...well I'm going to tell you, in an easily understandable list format for those of you who have trouble with big paragraphs.

1. My sister, Jennifer, and I inherited quite a bit of moolah. Cold hard cash!!! Lots of it!!! EVEN AFTER TAXES!

2. We're gonna get more money cause we're selling the old bitch's house! (But Allen, wherever will you live?)

3. Jennifer has decided that we're going to move...to North Jersey of all places. I might as well pick up smoking because that place is smog city. Why are we moving there? Well Jennifer decided to have a facsimile of a social life recently by video chatting on the web on this REVELATION 125 site. She made a few friends, several of whom live up in the 'burbs of NYC, so off we go.

4. No worries though, I, Allen will use my new fortune to travel the world and bring you more information than ever before. GET READY FOR INTERNATIONAL ALLEN!

5. So you may not hear from me for a few days as I get my move on, but fear not. I shall be back, after a trite little gathering for my sister and her net friends. That's right, the cold body means we get a housewarming party...get it, cold body, warm party...I kill me sometimes.

So stay tuned for all the news you can use, PLUS what I think of all these new "friends" of Jennifer's we're going to have around. If even one of them is tolerable, I'll consider it a victory.

Until next time, stay smart and have a beer for my grandmother, because she hated drinking.

-ALLEN