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| The Worth Of Secrecy (Now and Then)
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What do I give up with my secrecy? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to try and keep people away from the truth.
In my past people have taught me to not trust. To keep distance between me and the world I live in.
I still have an extremely hard time being honest here... where nobody knows me and it doesn't hurt when people judge.
I want people to be close to me, the real me. Not the mask that I wear for even my closest of friends.
I have yet to learn to trust others freely. I used to, but it has only caused me pain.
Of course I love everyone that I know. But it is a very strange and thin line, the line between loving and truly trusting someone with my heart.
It has been broken so many times... I don't speak of romantic relationships ending badly, though I have had my fair share of these too.
It seems to me that whenever I find someone who seems like my northern star, the one who is constant and unmoving in my life, they change.
No, they don't change. They're oppion of me changes. They see me as strange. They see me as a girl who is too old for her years, who feels to much, and loves too many.
But I can't help any of this. It is who I am inside and I know that as I get older people's oppinions of me won't matter as much and I can use my gifts in the way God intended me to when he sent them to me.
I'm very nervous right now... I've started to ease my very truest and closest friend into my true personality.
I've started to tell him more how deeply I feel, and how deeply I feel for others. There is so much he still hasn't seen of me, but he is the first person in my life who hasn't turned away from me.
Many people have been rocks in my life, something for me to cling to when things get rough and I can't bear it all on my own.
But rocks weather away. They change with time, and the more water you wash against them, the smaller they become.
This one friend is the first one I have ever had that is more like a seed than a rock. When you wash water over a plant, it grows stronger and it reaches wider.
Only in him can I find another being that respects and supports me for me...
He isn't in yet. He's just seeing the tip of the iceburg. But maybe I won't hold back with him so much.
I trust him with my heart. I just hope it isn't broken again.
Someday I will just jump of the cliff and take the risk of the fall. Someday I will become me for other people and let them judge me for who I am on the inside.
Someday.....
Not today. First I have to find peace in myself. Something I haven't done yet. I'm working on it. I'm getting closer.
This was me in November of last year.
Some things have changed so much since then, while others have just been solidified in my life.
The friend that I was letting myself get close to ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I should've followed my instincts and not put myself out there at all.
I ended up hurting him and I hate myself for it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Something I've learned is that solitude is security. Being alone scares me, it makes me feel vulnerable.
But letting people in... trusting others with myself is just setting up for another heartbreak.
I still feel more deeply than others that I can see.
The experiences that life has brought me have made me learn to feel deep.
And they have also taught me to stop feeling. Sometimes going numb is the only solution to pain.
More than ever I'm too old for my age. I've had to grow up really fast. These past two years it has litterally kept me alive.
But that's good. It means that I can move on with life faster than the average person.
It also means that I can love deeper than the average person my age. I've had people tell me that I'm too young to understand love.
They have no idea what they're talking about. Of course I understand it. I've felt it very strongly.
I miss my friend. I didn't used to feel that loss unless I saw him at school or something....
But a couple days ago I completely broke down. I sunk lower than I have since.... forever.
And i did it alone.
Because I hurt him.
I want things to be alright again. I want to feel safe again.
I've never been closer to anyone in my life than I was with him....
I wish things would have turned out differently so I could still let myself smile when I saw him.
In the post from last November I talked about him like he was a plant.... and here's the part I hadn't thought of....
Plants are short living. They are planted, grow strong, live for their season, and then die and blow away with the wind.
That is exactly what has happened with this friendship that used to mean so much to me.
I regret it so much. The whole thing.
I regret ever loving his cousin... breakig up with his cousin... getting close to nate... trusting him.... letting him trust me... letting him love me...
I regret that I wasn't strong enough to be what he needed me to be:
A stable, constant person in his life.
But life is all about learning to live with pain and regret with a smile on your face while you bear it.
So I'll be ok. I'll pull through in the end. I always do. I've been alone for almost all of my life and it shouldn't feel any difference in going back to that now right? Here's the only problem with that:
Now I know what it feels like to not be alone.
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Posted by ReD_MooN on 2008-10-06 01:19:59 | Rating: | Views: 126
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WOW!!!!! It's good to let that all out. You've expressed yourself in a way beyond your years. "WELL DONE"!!!!! I'll e-mail you later. Take it easy,have a great day and God Bless , Lou
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Posted by christianity247
on 2008-10-06 09:58:51
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"They see me as a girl who is too old for her years,
who feels too much, and loves too many."
I see you in this, as well.
You can never love too much or feel too much....can you?
Our feelings are there to be amplified by our true selves, that is what makes us stand apart from others in character....it is what makes us different.....a unique "feelings" process built into all of us.
I see you as a girl...who has a deeper connection to things spiritual...insight into deep human emotions.
You feel with your soul....most just feel with shallow mood swings.
You said something else:
"I want people to be close to me, the real me. Not the mask that I wear for even my closest of friends.
We need not wear a mask for close friends?
Or do we?
Being open and just relaxing in who we are....is the foundation to building close friendships.
If you never truly let one see your soul-(mind)-(thought process)....you will never truly have a close friend.
Trust should be earnned....don't you think?
I see you Red....I think I know you better than your closest friends.
You think you are hiding behind that screen....not seen, but I see you.
You are a "Beautiful Soul"
Souls gather beauty in character traits....I feel your beauty in your attitudes.
You stand out to me....like a real "Red Moon" would against a black sky.
i love you...you are more than you believe about yourself..."time for YOU to see you"
Ever look into your mirror without the mask?
One more question...you sure can make me think girly...
If you found peace, would you recognize it?
Seems in my own life....when things get too quiet in my soul....I go storm hunting.
Peace is scary at times -sweet girl.....just a light warning.
I get you....I just totally get you.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-10-06 14:06:16
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Hey Lou
Sometimes I just have to take a step back and be honest with myself about how I'm feeling and that's what this post was: me coming to terms with the fact that I lost my best friend. Life is hard without him, but life wouldn't be life if it weren't hard. Thanks for reading, ReD
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Posted by ReD_MooN
on 2008-10-06 23:22:33
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your overlooking something: plants can be overwatered, but if the plant was well cared for, stong enough, and with deep roots, sometimes they grow back.
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Posted by taterbaby
on 2008-10-07 16:06:49
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DS
I love hearing from you, I always have to take a while and think about what you said before I reply.
I don't think that it is possible to love too much. But I KNOW that trusting is just going like jumping in with the sharks. You're just asking to get hurt. I like the difference between me and other people my age. It sets me apart as me and I really like that.
I don't think that we should have to mask our feelings with our closest friends, if we have any real friends to speak of. The problem that I have is that I don't. There's a girl that I've known for a couple years that I've been getting close to, but I honestly don't know if I'll ever put myself out there like I have in previous relationships ever again. I really like her and she cares about me and because of that I'm honest with her. But that doesn't mean I'm completely honest. I'll tell her that I'm hurting... I'd never tell her how deeply.
Yes, I definitely think that trust must be earned. One thing that I've learned from my parents is that after trust has been broken it is almost impossible to restore it. No matter what you do, things are never how they were before. I know that you see me and you are one of two people that I know that I'm willing to not hide from. I trust you.
As for the question about peace? If I ever had a chance at feeling peace, I would take it.
Love always, ReD
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Posted by ReD_MooN
on 2008-10-07 18:04:19
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taterbaby
Here's the problem with that: it isn't being cared for at ALL, it's not as strong as either of us thought it was, and the roots don't reach deep enough to pull it through this. When it's in that condition it will never come back.
Unless someone takes a step to care for it again.
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Posted by ReD_MooN
on 2008-10-07 18:08:45
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Being alone is bad enough, but you're right going back to being alone is even worse. There will be a time to open back up again, Moon and I hope it comes just as naturally as it did the first time. Living just isn't living without sharing your real self.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-10-07 18:28:54
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paul
I agree with you 100% However next time I plan to be much more careful with how much of myself I give to a relationship. I have DEFINITELY learned my lesson in that department. It's nice to hear from you again, it's been a while. Thanks for stopping by! ReD
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Posted by ReD_MooN
on 2008-10-07 18:34:56
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PS taters
It's your decision to make and I'll respect it whether I like it or not. Let me know if you change your mind and we'll talk about it.
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Posted by ReD_MooN
on 2008-10-07 20:28:41
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