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What do I give up with my secrecy? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to try and keep people away from the truth.
In my past people have taught me to not trust. To keep distance between me and the world I live in.
I still have an extremely hard time being honest here... where nobody knows me and it doesn't hurt when people judge.
I want people to be close to me, the real me. Not the mask that I wear for even my closest of friends.
I have yet to learn to trust others freely. I used to, but it has only caused me pain.
Of course I love everyone that I know. But it is a very strange and thin line, the line between loving and truly trusting someone with my heart.
It has been broken so many times... I don't speak of romantic relationships ending badly, though I have had my fair share of these too.
It seems to me that whenever I find someone who seems like my northern star, the one who is constant and unmoving in my life, they change.
No, they don't change. They're oppion of me changes. They see me as strange. They see me as a girl who is too old for her years, who feels to much, and loves too many.
But I can't help any of this. It is who I am inside and I know that as I get older people's oppinions of me won't matter as much and I can use my gifts in the way God intended me to when he sent them to me.
I'm very nervous right now... I've started to ease my very truest and closest friend into my true personality.
I've started to tell him more how deeply I feel, and how deeply I feel for others. There is so much he still hasn't seen of me, but he is the first person in my life who hasn't turned away from me.
Many people have been rocks in my life, something for me to cling to when things get rough and I can't bear it all on my own.
But rocks weather away. They change with time, and the more water you wash against them, the smaller they become.
This one friend is the first one I have ever had that is more like a seed than a rock. When you wash water over a plant, it grows stronger and it reaches wider.
Only in him can I find another being that respects and supports me for me...
He isn't in yet. He's just seeing the tip of the iceburg. But maybe I won't hold back with him so much.
I trust him with my heart. I just hope it isn't broken again.
Someday I will just jump of the cliff and take the risk of the fall. Someday I will become me for other people and let them judge me for who I am on the inside.
Someday.....
Not today. First I have to find peace in myself. Something I haven't done yet. I'm working on it. I'm getting closer.
Until I write again, peace and strength be with you all.
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Posted by ReD_MooN on 2007-11-26 21:11:13 | Rating: | Views: 131
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Dear ReD_MooN,
Yep learning to trust is a complicated task.
Honesty with others even harder, if you are not first honest with yourself.
Your blog shows that you have deep sound feelings of compassion that have been broken sometimes in the past.
These are events that will be repeated many many times throughout your life.
You will judge others to be true, only to find them unworthy. There will be many times you find yourself dissappointed with the actions and opinions of friends, then you will have to distance yourself from them.
If you can continue to be strong within yourself, you will be rewarded with knowledge that will bring you happiness and contentment.
Satisfaction with life comes from honesty to yourself. It is the one thing that can give you true peace!
I think it was Shakespear who wrote: "to thine ownself be true"
It is as right today as it was back then, never ever lie to yourself, cause if you do, you will loose your own identity, then you will not even know who you are.
You show just how brilliant you are with this blog you have posted, so keep up the good thinking you have shown us!
Love & Peace,
jwcj
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Posted by jwcj
on 2007-11-27 01:39:13
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Trust in your self first and always.
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Posted by Wayne
on 2007-11-27 06:44:19
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If you read what you have written you'll find that once you were yourself someone loved and supported you. Try it all the time and see what happens. The people that don't matter will fall away from you and the people that do matter will love and support you. You have such a good heart...don't hide it.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-27 07:53:16
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people must earn trust.
I know how you feel with the trust issue.
I have been stabbed so manny times.
I find i can be myself on here because i do not have to look into peoples eyes and see their dissapointment in me.
I wear a hard mask in real life.
But with my family, here , for once i can truly be myself.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2007-11-28 07:50:02
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I think you are well on your way to freedom in this area.
When you come to the point..where you trust yourself with your heart...it will not matter who breaks it again.
If you can turn to your own heart in time of need...you will never be alone.
Go back and read what you wrote.
You have a beautiful heart...see it...and believe in it.
Others will surely admire you...if you admire yourself...not everyone...but enough that matters.
I see much of my heart in yours.
I used to hide as well.
I was embarrassed of how I loved others..and how I loved God.
I was afraid of rejection.
Rejection from others will never cease.
Rejection of yourself...must cease...in order to find your peace.
Let yourself shine...recognize your self worth...and walk in dignity with it.
Peace.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-28 21:53:45
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its so hard to make a comment afer Di and Ds(he he) they have the nack of saying all that needs to be said
you are making a wonderful journey into accepting who you are and letting someone else see your beauty as well
keep going you are so close to real happiness
love to you xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-29 08:32:59
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