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| Looking Over the Water |
I feel really strange right now... Like I'm not really seeing anything or anybody, not feeling the range of emotions that I know I should be. It's a strange feeling. Like I'm an empty shell: I have the potential to be filled up with something living, but for right now, i'm not. In general, I'm getting better. I've gotten closer to a couple people and they've helped me to start healing.
I know it's a long process. I think about the future and it can be so overwhelming. It makes me feel like I did when I saw the ocean for the first time. You look out and all you can see is water. Endless amounts of it, and you can't see the other side. That's what this has become for me. It's an obsticle. If I'm not careful, smart, strong, and determined, I WILL drown. But if I can keep my hope, and just keep pushing through... even when I feel like I can't go on anymore... if I can do that, I WILL come out of this and be okay again.
That's one of the biggest lessons that these past couple years has taught me: If you're strong enough, you can make it though any hardship and come out alright. I've screwed up pretty bad lately. On the outside I'm doing perfect: perfect grades, great friends, devoted to cheer, going to church, not on drugs or drinking, not involved with guys. Everything like that is in place. Everything I use to make people believe that its true, things that determine my outside appearance.
But on the inside, there's a lot more going on than that and very few people can see it. I've gotten so good at hiding the things that I use to cope.. things that I wish I'd never gotten involved with. The problem is... now I'm used to using those habits as an emotional crutch. If I can't handle something I just turn to whatever will help me be numb until I can handle it. It's so hard to let it go. Because as soon as I do, I'm on my own. I take everything at face value and get a good look at it.
I think that's good though; i'm ready to take that leap. When I think about this past year and a half I can't believe how out of control I've been. I've done and thought about things that I never would have considered before. My personality has been completely unstable and unpredictable. I haven't known what I really want from people or even life. But things are different now. I'm different now.
I have four people that I know are looking out for me. I know that they love me, each in their own way, and they will never abondon me as long as I need them by my side. They've taught me how to be strong and how to take back the control that he took from me. I'm learning new ways to deal with things. I still have a really hard time with it but I'm going to put all of my energy into beating this. I WILL be healthy and happy again.
This time I won't let anything stand in my way.
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Posted by ReD_MooN on 2009-02-07 21:26:40 | Rating: | Views: 103
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