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| It's Just Human Nature |
People don't do well by themselves, we are a social species. I hear people say that all the time. But lately I wonder if that is true. I don't like being around alot of people and since I have some MAJOR trust issues, I don't like being close to many people either. I like to have my one or two close friends and keep everybody else at a safe distance.
Now I'm regretting those one or two friends. I honestly think that they love me and they're just trying to do what they think is best for me, but they don't understand how hard they're making everything on me. They say that I'm sick, but I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. I don't act sick. I AM NOT SICK!!! They're trying to "get me help" and in doing so, they're tearing me apart. Which is more important to me: me being able to handle the nightmare that my life has turned into, or knowing that the people I love are happy?
It would be different if what they're doing would actually help them get better. I would give up everything that keeps me happy if it meant that my best friend would be happy and healthy again. But it's not like that this time. She's not going to get better because I do this. Neither is the guy who's involved. They would stop stressing out about me, but I don't know if that's a big enough pay off. I'm not willing to let this go just so they can avoid a little stress. I didn't ask either of them to get involved with this. I didn't even TELL them. They put the pieces together and decided that I can't make my own dessision on this subject.
I love these guys more than anything in the world. I would be screwed without them. I'd be into all the drugs, drinking, sluffing, ect. you can imagine if I didn't have them to rely on. But this makes me question how much I really can rely on them. Does the fact that you can justify it make it alright to take away somebody's dession? Even if you don't agree with it? I don't think so. I don't want to put my trust in the wrong places again. I let these guys get WAY to close. That's my fault and I should know better. People can't help hurting you. It's just how life goes. The people who are the closest to you can hurt you the worst. I thought that these two were different. Exceptions to the rule. But I guess when it comes to human nature there are no exceptions.
I'm shocked that I even have to think this way about them, but I don't know if I can handle being close to them if I can't be 100% certain that I won't get hurt. This one incident has ruined that... I'm tired of being alone and distrusting, but it seems like every time I let somebody close to me, I end up hurt. It's not worth the risk. I'm afraid of being alone more than almost anything else in the world. The one thing I fear more is having people close to me.
I wish I'd never even met them. I was doing fine on my own. Not great, but I was ok. Now they're making me second guess every decision I've made about coping with life, and trusting my friends. That sucks.. I don't want to deal with that right now. Oh well, I guess I don't really have a choice. Now I have a choice to make: which matters more to me?
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Posted by ReD_MooN on 2009-03-02 18:13:42 | Rating: | Views: 130
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