So while chatting with a close girlfriend this past weekend she told me about this site...after hearing how refreshing it is to get online and kinda just speak freely to anyone interested i knew i had to join...I'm a 25 year old female living in what i like to call a constant world of craziness...nothing to the point of near death experiences...but enough to keep someone on their toes... And after the last two Christmas' I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you believe in...naughty girls and boys only get coal for Christmas...or in my case broken vehicals... Last year on Christmas' morning i backed into a fire-hydren causing over $1000 dollars in damage to my bumper (which i had to pay) and be out of a car for over a month...and just a week ago while driving home a woman who was doing her make-up or something decided to smash into my rear at 45mph...totalling my car, causing injury to my neck and back and keeping me from doing my job (i bartend) so with that wonderful news i am without money and have no idea when ill be back to work and dont know when the insurance will kick in and give me some money for the injury and my car...and oh yeah its Christmas...(the most wonderful time of the year)...but i cant help but wonder if my own bad Karma is causing these series of events??  while im sure on the surface it may seem that i am not a "naughty" person... i have however broken a moral code among people...

last year i started having an affair with a married man... i have no excuses that are logical or correct so i will not fill this page with them...think of me what you will but before you do remember i probably already feel that way all by myself... i was raised by a single woman...due to a cheating husband... who reminds me of this everytime she sees me... it is a shamefull act that even though i try i can't seem to break... it started with a simple understanding that it was to be only sex and nothing more... no attachment no love no hurt... we continue to see each other still and now with time and invested emotions the damage can not be fixed and i believe i have done something that will not ever be forgiven...

i believe in never regreting anything you do...every act at one point or another was done with some kind of desire...therefore you shouldnt regret because it has given you more depth...so even through all the pain and chaos this past year has held i wouldnt change any of it... i'm not sure if that makes it worse knowing what...although not single handedly...i've caused... at this point they are no longer together... he left... for me??? who knows... i think he had to make a choice and he went with the more selfish anwser... i could be wrong...but i also know the kind of man he is and know that nothing in this world will change him... he is the man who left his wife for me... and in turn will leave me for someone or something else... and yet i still stay... there is no excuse that makes everything clear... no words of wisdom that i have stumbled upon that gives me guidence... i just stay... and he is complicated and confused and self-distructive and depressed... and i am too patient and too understanding...with no reason for the act...

i know how many see the situation with assuming eyes... as im sure i would have done at any other point in my life... but to be in these shoes... to walk in this light for so much time... the lines are no longer black and white... but simply shades of gray... there is a uncontrollable force that pulls me to him... i cant explain it... ive never been a shallow, fly by the seat of my pants type gal... im highly emotional and respectful and honest... to most in my life im held in high regard i believe... i would never have been this person... even my closest of companions find it hard to believe... and before i knew it i was so far in that i couldnt find a way to turn around...and to be honest i dont think i wanted to... im not sure how that happens...how you just wake up one day and look at yourself and see something you never thought you would ever see... and to be honest its not that i hate myself or feel like a horrible person... i guess the word is more confused...

i dont know where exactly this is going nor am i in a position to really ask... were both confused and scared and there are too many things involved that there are no simple questions or anwsers... so that leaves me here... with thoughts on a screen open to strangers with advice or opinions that may lead me in some direction...