I was the light of her life, so I have been told. The twinkle in her eye and the love in her heart. I don’t remember much, but what I do is vivid and clear.
I remember crawling up into her chair and nestling myself comfortably on her lap, both of us happily cuddled to each other for the long haul. I can still smell her, diet cola and cigarettes…I know that is not socially acceptable, but to me it’s the best smell in the world, well, that and Middlesworth BBQ chips, but that is another tale.
Sitting there with her in her chair I was safe, loved and adored…just what I always wanted, especially after my brother came. I was her favorite, I knew that and she knew that, as did the rest of my family…but it was okay.
She always had Dr. Seuss books for me, waiting. I can remember going to her house and her saying “I think there is something for you in the record cabinet Katie, why don’t you go look.” It was my newest book. I would again curl up on the chair with her and she would read me my newest treasure. I don’t think I have ever felt that safe the rest of my life…there is just something about her love that was different, special.
I am sure my parents were not always happy with her. She let me drink out of a bottle and sleep in a crib…I was four. Why? Some may ask, and the answer is simple; because I wanted to.
She could not bear to see me unhappy. I have spent years and years looking through old pictures of myself, and have yet to find one in which I was with her and frowning, I just don’t think it happened.
She was my Nanny….I was her world.
One day she got sick. I don’t remember much. I remember being told by my mother that she was in the hospital. I wanted to go see her. My Mom said no…I was maybe 5. I was angry with her for the longest time for not letting me see her one last time, but I am so thankful for that now…my memories are untainted by the fate she suffered. I was not allowed to go to the funeral either, again, I was angry, but now I feel blessed to have escaped that memory. When I think of her I think of HER, not what was left after the cancer ravaged her body….She is frozen in my memory as my Nanny….diet cola and cigarettes, Dr. Seuss and the big comfy chair…her gentile touch and loving words, the way it should be…the way I wish to see her forever.
I wish I could tell you why she had such an impact on my life, I am not sure myself. I think we just shared some sort of bond…it was instant and unbreakable. I knew her for such a short time, but to this day she walks in my thoughts, and occasionally, I like to think, she visits me.
I am not crazy. I do not believe in voodoo or anything weird like that, but some things cannot be explained. The following are my accounts of those events in my life…the ones I remember…you would have to ask blairstreetgirl about the others…..
I was sixteen. Riding around in my first car with my best friend. We had just stopped at a friends house who happened to live in the same area as my Nanny lived when she died. I saw a woman…tall, thin, wearing a scarf around her head and walking a Kerry blue terrier….I said to my friend…did you see that lady walking the dog? She said yes…She looked just like my Nanny…she even had that kind of dog! We drove around for half an hour looking for the woman…she was nowhere to be found. Sure, she could have simply gone inside, but what are the odds…just outside her old house, in the scarf that she liked to adorn and walking the same kind of dog.
Years later, after the birth of my first child I saw her again. I have not seen her since. I had a dream. I was in a dark room, there was nothing but me, my daughter standing in her crib laughing, and my Nanny in her chair…the rest was nothing. She said hello to me. I told her I loved her, she said she knew. She looked at my daughter “She is beautiful Katie, I am so proud of you.” That was it. I woke up, my daughter standing in her crib laughing…I swore I could smell cola and cigarettes. I glanced at the clock before drifting off…it was around 2 in the morning.
The next morning I told my Mom of the strange dream. “Do you know what today is Katie?”
“No” I replied.
“Today is the day your Nanny died.” She burst into tears…
I know it was her…I know she was answering my question…what would she think of what I had done? Having a baby so young, unmarried and alone. Now I know.
I miss her. She will live in my heart forever and her picture will adorn my mantle until the day I die. I look at my daughter and she looks just like my Nanny. Dark hair, blue eyes, pale skin, gorgeous.
I wish I could see her again…just one more time to tell her that I think of her often, that I loved her and tell her just much she impacted my life. So this is for you, Nanny, wherever you are………