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I am blessed in so many ways. I really am...but sometimes I feel cursed. Sometimes, like today, the world just seems to close in on me and I am not sure how to make it bright again.
The Holiday was wonderful...I spent oodles of time with my kids and husband, got to hang with my family, which is always a good time, but it always seems that the post holiday really sucks for me.
My oldest was home this weekend, she arrived on Saturday and I had to take her back on Wednesday. I was really hoping for more. I wanted her until New Year's but they wouldn't let me keep her that long, some crap about the insurance company. I miss her sooo much. It's really killing me.
I am about to be brutally honest here, so if you don't have anything nice to say please don't say anything...I feel bad enough as it is.
Okay, she was home this weekend, and so far she has been doing really well on her home visits, just some attitude which is pretty normal at her age (11). I was feeling really good that she would be home for good soon. Then this weekend. Not so good. She gave me alot of attitude, cursing and making threats...she didn't hit so that's the plus, but I don't think it was that far off.
The worst of it was Wednesday morning...she got up and starting yelling and cursing at me...I am not sure why, I was still asleep and I don't think I could have possibly done anything to upset her. My husband had already left for work so I was fearful...if you know the situation you understand. Anyway, I got up at this point and was ready to get dressed. I locked my door for privacy and this just really pissed her off....she banged into it so hard the door came flying open...she didn't break the door, but I had this flashback of the way things were and it really scared me. She seemed to straighten up from there, but I now have to report this to the therapist and I am pretty sure she will not be home for good anytime soon.
I have concerns about this. If you are not willing to try to understand my point of view, please don't read any further.
My daughter hits me. Hard and alot. I have had bruises, I have cowered in the bathroom with my other kids scared that she would hurt them...that's why she is not with me right now. Anyway, it was really hard for me to make the decision to send her away for treatment, I love her despite all of the craziness, and this was the last thing I wanted. My guilt comes here. She has been away since August. I am very comfortable right now. It is just my husband and I and the other two younger girls. No one is getting hit, there is no yelling and cursing, I am not constantly on edge and worried about her hurting herself or someone else...all in all it's pretty easy going most of the time...almost normal. I hate that, I hate that I feel this comfortable with her gone. I hate that it's sooo easy, and I worry that I am becoming to comfortable with things the way they are. I want her home, I do. But, at the same time I know my life will more than likely be turned upside down again...I will have to live with the fear from incident to incident...calling the police when she gets out of controll, having my younger kids living with the violence and upheaval...I don't know. I am guilty. I feel like a shit bag of a mother.
I feel like I should have more hope that things will be better this time around...and I did until this weekend...I don't know. I just needed to put this out there, get it out...sorry if I offend anyone, just let me clarify again, I love my girl...I do...I miss her, it sucks that she is not here everyday, that I don't get to watch her grow, take her to the movies, stuff like that, normal mom/daughter stuff, I am just scared. Stupid right? I am a shit bag. Sorry to put this out there, I deserve whatever you guys have to say.....
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Posted by Rajah1116 on 2007-12-27 10:17:54 | Rating: | Views: 88
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You are NOT a shit bag!!! I dont have kids however if I was living fear with two other kids involved Im sure I would do the same thing. Obvioulsy whats going on with her is not your fault and luckily you love her enough to send her away and stop it now before shes too far gone. I dont know you at all and Im not going to pretend too but from this post I really think you did what you had to do. And of course your going to feel comfortable with her being gone, because your not living in fear for you and your children.
I think your a WONDERFUL and LOVING Mother for getting her the help she needed instead of fueling the fire.
I hope everything works out in the end for you and for her so you dont have to feel like that anymore.
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Posted by AngryAngel
on 2007-12-27 10:25:11
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Katie - you are a mother, not a shitbag. Sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not do for the safety of our other children or ourselves. You are doing the right thing. I know it's hard because you love your 11 year old, and you are showing that by getting her the help she needs. I'm so sorry your post Christmas has been less than lovely.
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Posted by Whitters
on 2007-12-27 10:51:16
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Do you talk to her on a daily basis? Do you think she feels like she needs to act out for attention, since she doesn't see you regularly. Maybe jelousy towards the younger ones?
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2007-12-27 11:08:15
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I highly doubt you are as terrible as a mother you feel like you are. Trust me, I know a terrible parent when I see one (only because I had one) and you are quite the contrary my lady. I'd have loved for my father to have half as much compassion, humor and love as you have.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2007-12-27 13:04:45
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You are not a shit bag. You are my daughter. It is rough now, but up until now, it has been better. Holidays always stress her and you. We all have some work to do on our end and she still has work to do on hers. It will be okay. We will make it so. Smile and think of the good stuff with her. It's there. Clear the fog away and you will see it. Love you, Mom
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Posted by blairstreetgirl
on 2007-12-27 13:18:31
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You listen to your mom, she knows what she's talking about and I am backing her 100%
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2007-12-28 00:23:58
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