16349 Blog Feed: Rajah1116 2008-04-05 09:04:38 Rajah1116 Your e-mail address 83353 2008-04-05 09:04:38 I live a life full of such excitement!
The most exciting thing to happen to me this week involves the title of this blog. My husband set up a fish tank in my dining room (don't get me started on that) and put our formerly considered femal turtle, Purdy, in it. Well, the other day, she was swimming around and it looked like something was coming out of her butt! My husband came over and said well, I guess Purdy is a male!
Now, just so you know, this turtle's penis is roughly the size of it's back leg. Seriously, I think in relation to body size this has to be one of the biggest penis' occuring in nature! Holy Crow!
Okay, that's about all I have now....seriously, my life is boring....I can't even stand it sometimes! ]]> 82365 2008-04-02 12:00:00 I also had noticed a huge change around here the last time I was on, and it wasn't for the better.
I miss the thoughts that this place used to be, so many good people have been bullied and too much crap has been spewing from this place lately.
I really hope that a few of us can make this a better place again, I missed all of you!
Please, let me know who is here and who is not!

Love,
Raj ]]> 63142 2008-02-13 10:07:11 I have been internet shopping, planning how I will spend my money, and I have done that so much at this point that I am bored with it! Wow....this sucks!
It's raining here. I hate the rain. It snowed last night and then iced and now it's raining, which means everything is slush. The sky is grey, slush covers everything, the sidewalks are icy, wow....this just sucks.
I wish I had more to say, but I don't....sorry. ]]> 62646 2008-02-12 10:26:38 I hope everyone is well! Nothing really interesting here, well, my youngest, who will be two next month has officially said her first curse word, though it was not what she intended to say! She farted the other night and I said "did you fart?"
She said "I fuck mommy"....yeah, wow, it was a doozy too! LOL...too funny!
It's supposed to snow here today, I will believe it when I see it though, seeing how the weather people have been consistantly wrong about absolutly everything lately!
I am anxiously awaiting our tax return...it's a big one this year, and we are going to be buying our first new furniture ever! Soooo excited! Then we are going to redecorate all of the bedrooms and get some gear to start camping this year, my hubby and I have not done that in a very long time, and think it would be a nice inexpensive getaway for us and the kids!
Well, anyway, that's all for now! ]]> 57614 2008-01-31 09:29:01 Thank you all very much for the love and support and prayers you have been sending her way, she really appreciates it, as do I. Hopefully I feel better soon and can post something for you all....sorry. ]]> 56745 2008-01-29 10:40:32 I got a call this morning at 8 a.m. It was my husband asking me to come and pick him up because he had gotten laid off....yep, laid off. This is just what we needed, right? Hopefully unemployment comes quickly and we can get a decent amount of money from it until he can find more work....
It just sucks....I don't know..... ]]> 56226 2008-01-28 09:50:57 Thank you all! ]]> 55741 2008-01-27 09:17:40 What happened? Why has the light ceased to exist along with the sound? I was warm, comfortable and warm and now I am cold.
Suddenly there is light. Suddenly there is sound. Calming sounds, reassuring waves splashing on the beach, the sand being swept into the sea with each lap of the water....how do I know that sound? Why am I able to identify it so easily? No matter, peace has swept over me leaving me once again warm and filled with the comfort I so desperately desired such a long time ago....was it really a long time ago? I could have sworn it was just now...no matter, I am content.
You have done nothing wrong the voice pipes to me, you are a beautiful soul and you will return one day to live a long life of love and comfort.
I turn, he stands there before me in all his light. His face is obscured but I am able to recognize him still. It is my father, Lord, how I have missed him.
Why? Why am I here? I have done nothing, I had so much time left? I don't remember anything, how could this have happenned?
My baby, he lovingly strokes my face, sometimes the world is cruel, sometimes we are given a burden so heavy we cannot bear it, and sometimes we must move along for the others in our life to learn their lessons.....
That was my purpose, it had to be, for I was young, barely lived. I must have been a lesson to them.
My father is gone now, and understanding washes over me. I will get my chance again, I will return to the world and be given a chance....
Next time my mother will NOT decide that she cannot bear the responsibility of me, next time she will want me, next time.....next time I will be given the gift of life, I will take my first breath, I will taste the milk, smell my mother as she holds me close, I will be loved.
Next time, I will not be discarded.
Next time.

I do not mean to offend anyone with this post. I am very pro-choice, I am just imagining what the souls of those children would be feeling upon entering heaven, what it must be like to not have lived, but to have died.... ]]> 54952 2008-01-25 11:33:57 She was nearing her mid thirties and time was running out for the family she desperately longed for, the children she dreamt about in the night. Her arms ached to hold her offspring, the product of love and the fulfillment of her life's goal.
Today was the day. The appointment had been set for months, the testing completed, the donor picked, and yet instead of excitement she was left with an empty hole in her heart. Sure, she was going to get the child she so desperately longed for, but the family of her dreams was still just that. She would raise this child on her own, without the love and support of the prince charming of her imaginings.
The shower would wash away the tears and regrets of a life not meeting expectations. Lotion, toothpaste, perfume and disappointment, that was her scent that day, it would live forever in her mind as the smell of defeat.
Pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt she passed the mirror and longed to break it, the reflection of a loser staring back at her daily was more than she could bear.
Down the grungy stairs of the apartment complex and onto the busy streets of New York she hustled unnoticed, just another face in the crowd. She twisted and turned through the streets of the City on her way to the office of the baby makers, those who held the power of life in their hands, those who nonchallantly graced those like her with the gift of life, with the gift of love, with the hope being complete.
The doors to the office were steel, unmarked but for an address. She reached for the handle, but something made her pause, something in her was suddenly unsure, is this what her life had come down to? A cold sterile office and white masked figures replacing the fantasy love life she had desired? Maybe, just maybe there was still hope for her, someone out there may notice her and decide that she was worthy of their affections.
If she continued on this road would that person pass her by, assuming she was attached? No, her mind was made up, it was too risky to wait any longer for an infant of her own, a new life made from the best parts of her, a life still full of possibilities and hope....she opened the door.
]]> 54710 2008-01-24 21:44:56 worthy of love
love the way love was intended.

Do not torture yourself
for what is not
and what you think could be.

It is not that which you wish
and he has made no effort
you deserve more.

You deserve more
than wondering why
he does not want to touch you.

You deserve more
than crying in bed
because he did not kiss you.

You are a beautiful soul
you are worthy of love
and someday you will find it.

I only pray that when you do
you realize what you have
and cherish every moment. ]]> 54429 2008-01-24 10:20:20 My dogs have figured out how to open the cabinet with the trash can in it, so now I get to clean that up multiple times a day....the best is that it has coffee grinds in it, that's a blast to clean up, let me tell ya!
I am off to read blogs...hopefully your day is going better than mine! ]]> 53976 2008-01-23 11:32:28 I remember crawling up into her chair and nestling myself comfortably on her lap, both of us happily cuddled to each other for the long haul. I can still smell her, diet cola and cigarettes…I know that is not socially acceptable, but to me it’s the best smell in the world, well, that and Middlesworth BBQ chips, but that is another tale.
Sitting there with her in her chair I was safe, loved and adored…just what I always wanted, especially after my brother came. I was her favorite, I knew that and she knew that, as did the rest of my family…but it was okay.
She always had Dr. Seuss books for me, waiting. I can remember going to her house and her saying “I think there is something for you in the record cabinet Katie, why don’t you go look.” It was my newest book. I would again curl up on the chair with her and she would read me my newest treasure. I don’t think I have ever felt that safe the rest of my life…there is just something about her love that was different, special.
I am sure my parents were not always happy with her. She let me drink out of a bottle and sleep in a crib…I was four. Why? Some may ask, and the answer is simple; because I wanted to.
She could not bear to see me unhappy. I have spent years and years looking through old pictures of myself, and have yet to find one in which I was with her and frowning, I just don’t think it happened.
She was my Nanny….I was her world.
One day she got sick. I don’t remember much. I remember being told by my mother that she was in the hospital. I wanted to go see her. My Mom said no…I was maybe 5. I was angry with her for the longest time for not letting me see her one last time, but I am so thankful for that now…my memories are untainted by the fate she suffered. I was not allowed to go to the funeral either, again, I was angry, but now I feel blessed to have escaped that memory. When I think of her I think of HER, not what was left after the cancer ravaged her body….She is frozen in my memory as my Nanny….diet cola and cigarettes, Dr. Seuss and the big comfy chair…her gentile touch and loving words, the way it should be…the way I wish to see her forever.
I wish I could tell you why she had such an impact on my life, I am not sure myself. I think we just shared some sort of bond…it was instant and unbreakable. I knew her for such a short time, but to this day she walks in my thoughts, and occasionally, I like to think, she visits me.
I am not crazy. I do not believe in voodoo or anything weird like that, but some things cannot be explained. The following are my accounts of those events in my life…the ones I remember…you would have to ask blairstreetgirl about the others…..
I was sixteen. Riding around in my first car with my best friend. We had just stopped at a friends house who happened to live in the same area as my Nanny lived when she died. I saw a woman…tall, thin, wearing a scarf around her head and walking a Kerry blue terrier….I said to my friend…did you see that lady walking the dog? She said yes…She looked just like my Nanny…she even had that kind of dog! We drove around for half an hour looking for the woman…she was nowhere to be found. Sure, she could have simply gone inside, but what are the odds…just outside her old house, in the scarf that she liked to adorn and walking the same kind of dog.
Years later, after the birth of my first child I saw her again. I have not seen her since. I had a dream. I was in a dark room, there was nothing but me, my daughter standing in her crib laughing, and my Nanny in her chair…the rest was nothing. She said hello to me. I told her I loved her, she said she knew. She looked at my daughter “She is beautiful Katie, I am so proud of you.” That was it. I woke up, my daughter standing in her crib laughing…I swore I could smell cola and cigarettes. I glanced at the clock before drifting off…it was around 2 in the morning.
The next morning I told my Mom of the strange dream. “Do you know what today is Katie?”
“No” I replied.
“Today is the day your Nanny died.” She burst into tears…
I know it was her…I know she was answering my question…what would she think of what I had done? Having a baby so young, unmarried and alone. Now I know.
I miss her. She will live in my heart forever and her picture will adorn my mantle until the day I die. I look at my daughter and she looks just like my Nanny. Dark hair, blue eyes, pale skin, gorgeous.
I wish I could see her again…just one more time to tell her that I think of her often, that I loved her and tell her just much she impacted my life. So this is for you, Nanny, wherever you are………
]]> 53893 2008-01-23 07:17:15 53476 2008-01-22 10:01:58 I thought this would be a really cool show, but it kind of wasn't! I don't know, I think it would have been more interesting if they had done it with some kind of story line, like, followed a few animals around or something, but instead it was like all plants and junk, I was just not that interested.
I am still feeling sick, my husband is an ass for giving this to me...what the heck...it's not good enough that I cook and clean for him? No....now he has to get me sick, and on top of that, when we are laying in bed last night, I drugged up on Tylenol cold and smothered in vicks vapo-rub, he has the nerve to start rubbing my boobie! I just glared at him and said..."are you serious?" He looked kind of disappointed, but excuse me if I am not turned on with my nose running and my head thumping...
Men, I guess it just doesn't matter to them! ]]> 53123 2008-01-21 16:03:27 <param name="allowScriptAccess" value="never" />
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</object> < [to repost click reply to poster and copy the codes] If you have a heart REPOST THIS AS "KELSEY DIED", ]]> 53116 2008-01-21 15:49:01 and eyes of brown
your wonders never cease

You make me laugh
with each new skill
You remind me what innocence is

The belly laugh
the rosy cheeks
a perfect little soul

unburdened by the world
and living just for joy
if only you could stay that way forever

eventually you will grow
and the world will dull your smile
I only hope that you hold on to just a slice of this peace

I only pray that you
will do what I could not
and see the brighter side, when everything seems grey

I pray that you will laugh
no matter what they say
and bring your joy to others in your own special way

I pray that your innocence will not be tarnished
by the cruel world outside my arms
that you will show us all how to love

Through the eyes of a child. ]]> 53111 2008-01-21 15:36:47 Sure, sometimes, alot of the time to be honest, my life seems to kind of suck....but I have alot going for me and I guess things could be alot worse.
I have a beautiful family, I love them more than anything in the world, and all my basic necessities have been met.
I think sometimes we all tend to get so self absorbed with our own lives that we fail to take note of what is right and not wrong...
so if you are reading this, take a moment to take stock of what you have....I am sure you will see that it far outweighs what you do not... ]]> 53025 2008-01-21 11:33:48 Okay, here is what I remember. I am with my kids, but they are not my real kids....don't ask, they are my kids in the dream, but not the kids I have in real life, as they are boys and I have none of those....damn it.
Anyway, we are all at this hospital or something and suddenly everyone starts freaking out and I know that it is coming for my kids....what I am not sure at this point, but I know that is what it is after, so then this hunk of a man (dreamy, but not my hubby....if asked by him I will say that it was him) comes and helps me and my kids try to get away from this thing....wait for it, wait for it.....it's the Terminator! LMAO...are you fuckin' kidding me?
Anyway, it's the metal terminator, without the skin, and we are driving weird cars over cliffs and trying to kill this thing which is pretty much indestructable...I remember dying at one point, but somehow I came back, the hunk was defending my kids, we were hiding in an attic....there was a VW bug that I jumped off a cliff holding my kids and survived to drive away...somehow outrunning the machine...
Yeppers, it was strange.....
again, thanks Mandie! ]]> 52986 2008-01-21 09:13:09 I have been sick since yesterday....I am upset about the playoffs, I don't like the teams that won...and the superbowl is going to suck, The Giants are just no match for the Patriots....it's gonna be a blow out...
I don't know what more to say....maybe I will find the inspiration a little later.... ]]> 52121 2008-01-19 09:25:15 Until we meet again, I will imagine you still are here. I will remember the times together we spent, when I was just a youth. I will smell your scent, cola and smokes, and sit upon your lap in your chair. I will listen while you read to me, from the Seuss book you have over there.
I miss your gentile words, and the loving touch of your hands on my face. You would stroke my hair when I was sad, as I was the love of your life.
I miss you....I love you and someday we will meet again, in the great kingdom of heaven, my eyes will lay sight upon your face once more, never to loose each other again.
I will remember you always, and your spirit will fill my home, your picture upon my mantle, your love and your memory close to my heart.
Please be with me always, as I could not bear it without you, I love you, though we had such a short time together, your spirit will endure, as I have these precious thoughts, to remind me of you forever, and to share with my children the love you impressed upon me in such a short time.

I know this is disjointed...it is kind of the start of something mroe, something hopefully better, let me know what you think!

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