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| To Remember MySelf |
so i am back to meet with me again and loose my LOVE.............. so I was busy in doing nothing from last three four months. i was very busy really busy in solving the complexities of my life .But as much i thought i am near to solve this complexity of threads ,eventually the threads of life comes out to be a mesh at next moment.
I tried hard faced many problems ,shed my blood over the fight of heart with brain.
then sometimes heart comes out as winner, sometimes brain wins the battle.Then the winner start to prepare for next challenge ;the challange of life.again a mesh ,a complex mesh of threads to be solve.Then this drama turns out as a frustration.ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.
I wanted to become master of myself.A great master ,but turned as a looser in life.
This is what comes in my way in last three four months..............................
After completion of my degree I got my first job as software engineer in a telecommunication company.The first four months were full of frustration and excitement.
In this time of four months i got good lifestyle and good knowledge of my field.I worked very hard in office. I used to go in office in holidays too.I never enjoyed my weekends except my books of computer and programming in office.I used to go early 9 am in morning and used to come back 2 am some times 3 and sometimes 4am in the morning.Continously 19 or 20 hours of work everyday. It was only my zeal to learn and work i hadn't worked for money but worked for knowledge.In our country IT industry doesnot pay you for overtime.I worked hard but i found my seniors are exploiting me, i found they knew less than me but expects me to work miraclously.Sometimes it appeared to me that i was wasting my time and energy in nothing and my life is just Passing as nothing day by day and in the end i am emerging out as no one in world.No identity so satisfaction.But people around me were happy.In other side of my life.........
I was in a one sided love with my dear friend.We studied togeter for three years.She suspected that i have some feeling for her.But nor she niether i clearly talked over this issue.She was very understanding,lovable girl,her blue eyes were just like a deep sea.A silent grace of childish aura,a glimpse of eternity and bliss can be felt always on her face.I dont know from which part of her face but sometimes i was able to get the minute lines of some deep stubborn pain or overburden .she was a combination of great mystery and inspirational mind for me.I am till now confused between the two faces of her that is one the way she looked as a peaceful soul ,as she pretends herself and second as my inner concious thinks of her.i never got the right fact is she really happy or pretending to be very happy.
sometimes i feel that even she doesnt know that something is there which is making her weak from inside and she took life as a written granted paper story.She never shared her personal life with anyone but i dont know why i felt always that i know everything of her.I was in love or not in love or i was in some sort of attraction or i was just in my own confused world of confused mind.I dont know what love is actually but i know that i want to be with her till my end.I want to embrace her and take away the emptiness of her heart, which i felt a lot of times. i want to see her eyes for a long time till i didnt become intoxicated with the mystry wine in floating over there.i want to say her that i felt like i am incomplete without her.I want to end my life laying my head over her lap.But i said nothing to her...
Then one day she called me and said ,"hey Rohit there is something you want to say me.i want everything to be very clear ".i said that you know what actually i want to tell you she replied,"yes i know and know it from very long time". she said that she had wanted to marry where her parents want.i replied that it is my headeache to ger approval of your parents,i will beg for you ,i will send my parents to beg you for me or i do anything.then a sentence from her side came " but i am not interested in such type relationship".And i become quite .when she is interested then what else can i do .If she is not willing to have someone in her life like me then why to make her feel bad my interfearing in her smooth going life which is not so smooth as appears.Then a deal made between us one sunday she will call me and next sunday will call her .
That same day i went inside my office and said my officials that i am quitting my job.I felt that now there is no use of doing any job, if i am not getting my love then what is the use of being a slave of some company.She came to know that i resigned from my job. next sunday it was my turn to call her she said me why i resigned i said that i was not happy by that job a lot of other talk done by us which was of no use except one that i can hear her voice.she said to do something i said that now i will do nothing.
i was waiting for next sunday ,she didnt called.on monday she made a missed call and i called her then i said to tell about hows life going and for something new she have to tell she said that she had nothing.i said that she used to go office why dont she have something new she said that she really have nothing and asked me what i m planning to do in future i said i am not plannig anything ,she said for anything new i said i have nothing too then she said when ever you will have something to talk then call me or when u will start doing something and i said r u seriously saying this she said yes .
and today it is one month and 17 days passed no phone call no mail ,no visit of my profile over orkut site no scraps or message from her side.nothing and i was trying my hand in bussiness directly after quitting the job i didnt talked about it to anyone and now i am feeling that to do bussiness is not so easy if you dont have any backround support for it.I am a single person now striving for my food everyday getting small sum of money by providing coaching to students of programming ,by troubleshooting the computers and a programmer now living as a poor fellow who have no aim no life no money.
I lost everything...... everything ......a great student of college,a great programmer , a great poet of class,a great teacher of a academy, a good son,now is a great smoker,great drinker, a great loser.
Loser in life ,loser in love, loser in everything .
but i gained one thing and that is a new face of life and now quitting everything i am moving to meet myself ,new face of life a new rohit...
i dont know what i will be now in my life but i have only one pain in heart ,the pain of her memories and pain of not being able to be with her.........
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