Well, the happiest thing that's happened since last I was here, is that we got a kitten. I knew my children needed something new to care for and we came across a kitten at a petting zoo we frequent. It's in a mall that is just up the road from us and is only $5 to go so it's a nice, cheap thing for us to do that we all love. This time there was a black kitten with white blotches on his tummy htere. We watched him run after hte ducks and gently swat their tail feathers. The ducks just ignored him. We watched plenty of children pick him up only to see him hang from their arms in the most awkward positions in complete relaxation, purring like a as loud as a freight train. Then my children picked up this kitten. He gave them the same reaction. He apparently loved attention and just simply being held was a great enjoyment to him. The he looked at me as Squidge had her turn with him and something caught my attention. He had only one eye. I mentioned it and the kids nodded. Boo said she asked aobut it and the attendants said that he developed a tumor when he was two months old and the eye had to be removed. Something that was glaringly obvious was the fact that they didn't suture it shut. So his right eye is watching you as his left socket is an empty, pink hole. Well, he captured us and we debated about getting him as we walked around the mall ( they sell all their animals). With him only having one eye and being 'defective' in many people's eyes, and me knowing the kids needed...something to uplift them even just a tiny bit, we finally agreed that this could be their Christmas present. ( Now, for those of you who know I'm pagan...yes, I still celebrate Christmas. I call it Christmas for everyone else's sake, since I'm solitary and still in secret but to me it's Yule. Please don't get picky about it. How many of those who believe in no god at all celebrate that holiday with no spiritual meaning at all? I take no issue with that but I know some Christians who do. I see nothing wrong with celebrating a holiday that brings family and friends together, regardless of your beliefs or lack thereof). So home he came. The children dubbed him Moonlight, due to his colourings. Boo calls him Moonie, and she adores him. He seems to have helped somewhat to lighten their moods. He's affectionate, playful, doesnt' claw like alot of kittens do. He's just a good cat. I can now claim we have an eclectic collection of animals: a one-eyed cat, a cat who thinks he's a dog, a one-eyed hamster, and a suicidal fish. (Squidge thinks he's either suicidal or anorexic since's stopped liking his food and only eats small bits of whatever we get him) Our household is interesting. I thank the Gods for this household every day. As for Moonlight's empy socket, we clean it several times a day of sleep etc to try to prevent infection. When I take him to be fixed and get his shots, I'll discuss having it closed. I'll be working over-time to do that.  The petting zoo said they didn't because they were worried it would be torn open during a fight on the farm. Here, I only worry about infection (though the other cat bats and growls at him, he won't do anything to hurt him and finally appears to be enjoying the new company a tiny bit) and how irritating it must be for him to have us clean it. This is going to be expensive but I feel fairly certain this will be worth it. Except, of course, when he does a little happy dance on my keyboard as I'm typing. closing all my windows and causing me to lose information etc. I lost an hour of work that way once lol

 What else for tonight? Well, I'm still thinking heavily about going back to school. I can't live like this forever. I can't have my children live like this forever. Even if all I can is help them get through university, I have to try. The only thing that prevents me from moving ahead with this is that I have no support. I told my mother I was thinking of going and she gave me this look that said "Don't be stupid". After listening to C talk all about how he wants to take the kids to NY for a weekend, Vancouver, down to Ontario  to visit his family, and then how he can spend over $100 on food for just 3 days....I admit I'm jealous.I can't compete. I'll have to start working 6 days a week to get the cat done, pay for Boo's birthday in December,  some Christmas presents (How could I not buy my children something, even though I said the cat was it?) and with rent increasing this month...the only thing that's stopped me from scheduling it in is that I know what this will do to my health. I'm not even supposed to work full-time, only part-time at most, so working 6 days a week, well, I could end up really sick. Yes, I know I brought the cat on msyelf but how could I not do whatever it takes to see that my kids are happy?  It's a minor thing to deal because they smile and laugh more. That is worth any price. I digress, though. C told my children not to mention how much money he spends in a weekend because it would make me feel bad. Yet he's always bitching he has too little money. I told him not to do that becasue then the kids feel guilt about mentioning anything and that was wrong to put them in that position. He said he was only thinking of me. Well, I think, if you've read a few of my entries, you can predict what I thought of that.  I told him I was thinking of going back to school to stop this bad cycle. He told me to think realistically. Apparently, according to people here, I shouldn't go for a degree in something I'd be happy doing. I should just switch jobs and deal with life. Except that if I do that, I'll be forever in this cycle. How can I ask my children to live like that? How can I look at them and say "I'm sorry, but I can't afford that school. You'll have to find someplace else to go because student loans aren't giving you enough to help pay for that one or you have to put off school." How can I do that to them? I think I have to try. I could work over-time until January and then when I start school adjust my hours. I've already cleared it with work. I refer to adjusting my hours for school, not the over-time but they won't complain about that at all, especially during this time of year.  * sigh* I'm so angry at myself for all this, for being in this position.  I hate myself for how much I'm hurting my babies. 

One other item that's weighed heavy on my mind this past week: I'm seriously considering breaking up with M. He's been mentioning his landlady an awful lot. I hear all about how beautiful she is, what a good cook she is, (he rents her and her husband's basement suite in their house and she'll give him leftovers sometimes), how nice she is. It's been my experience that as soon as a man mentions things like that about another woman more than once or twice, he's lost interest. I think he'd be happier with someone more like her. I can't lose the extra 20 lbs I carry. The Fibro has seen to that, though I've tried repeatedly. So, I'll never really be pretty. Now matter who good I am to him, a man doesn't stay interested in me for long because that's not what they care about. Not in my life.  As soon as a yonger, thinner, woman comes along, I'm usually gone pretty quick. So why bother waiting for him to dump me?  He also doesnt' seem to care about me going back to school. I told him that he caused me to think of it again because he's thinking of the same thing for himself. He chuckled but that was all. I mentioned that I was serously considering it, a few times and I would chat about it for a couple minutes but never said what I would go for. He just said 'yeah' or just let it go. I don't think he has much interest in my dreams. Why do I bother to keep trying? It's so pointless.

Once again, I thank anyone who bothers to read this, even just a bit. Thank-you :)