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| But every now and then I feel so insecure
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"Love your body"
A sign with this phrase can be seen all over my university. It's advertising an eating disorder workshop, teaching you ways to understand what an eating disorder is, and if you have one, how to learn to love your body the way it is. I remember seeing the signs last year, and thinking, I don't have an eating disorder, but I think it would be interesting to go to.
My whole life it has bothered me when a girl, who is "normal" sized says "geeze I am so fat!" I just want to scream "No you're not you idiot! You're absolutely fine!" But it seems that no matter how many times you tell a girl that she is beautiful, she won't believe it. I dispise the media for brainwashing young girls into believing that they should weigh next to nothing. I'm sorry, but skeletally skinny just makes you look disgusting.
A couple months ago I went back to my home town where the women in our neighborhood were getting together for a nice dinner at the local church and my mom invited me to come. Once I showed up, of course all the people there asked me all kinds of questions about school, and love life and work. They all seemed happy to see me, and I was relatively happy to be in the spolight for the night. But something happend that really bothered me. As I was walking to a table to talk to one of my friends and her daughter, one lady who had lived down the street from me said "Wow, Your looking....skinny" I didn't know how to respond, I have always been really skinny and small. It's just how i'm built. I just said thanks. She then asked me how I stayed so thin. I didn't know how to answer to that either. Jokingly I said "haha, just lots of stress and living off of toast and spaghetti-o's!" Without missing a beat she said "thats not true. everyone who goes off to college gains 10 pounds, you look like you've lost 10" I was so shocked at that statement that I just turned and continued to my friends table. Why was my weight even a subject of conversation to her? There was no "hello! nice to see you back in town! How's school?" She went straight for the kill.
It's true, I am about 10 pounds less than I was over a year ago, but I had had a severe case of pnumonia the year before in which I was hospitalized for a week, then home on IV therapy for a month after. During that month, I dropped to only 108 pounds, and have since then, only gained a few back. At every doctors appointment I have had since then, they always make sure that my BMI is where it should be. After being sick, it was borderline underweight, but today, It's normal.
But here is where I have to be honest. As much as I hate other girls ragging on themselves because of their weight, I am just the same. No I am not anorexic or anything. I am a lover of good food. But I don't always like how I look. Most days i'm ok. If someone says "you look really good today" I believe it, and I'm ok with my body. But some days, I put on those skinny jeans or that swim suit, and I wish I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now. I try to be careful of what I eat, I try to go to the gym, and I try to dress the way that makes me feel good about going into public. But there are those days where I sit on my ass eating my weight in pizza and chips, feeling guilty the day after for doing it. For the past year or so, I have been terrified to step onto a scale. I hate wearing shorts and it takes a lot of convincing and usually a bribe or two to get me into a swim-suit. I actually REALLY love it when people tell me they hate that I can eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce.
In my apartment, every corner you turn and in every room, there is a full body mirror. It's impossible NOT to see yourself in one every day. I caught myself this morning staring at my reflection, and in my mind I was going through every single thing I didn't like about myself. My feet are too big, my hips are too wide, my boobs are too small, my skin is too pale... the list just kept going. Then one of my roommates walked out of her room and said "morning! You look cute today!" and I didn't believe it. I almost felt ashamed and embarrased to go to school today.
Then I saw the posters. "Love your body!" They shouted at me. It was that moment, walking down the hall, that I realized that I was not happy with myself anymore. I want to be. I really do. I want to be confident in myself when I walk out my door every day. I want to feel like I don't have to impress everyone, just to make myself feel good anymore.
I'm not overweight, and I don't want to look like those skeletons in the magazines. I am a good size, and I should try and be happy with that. I'm going to try and love my body for now on. They say you should practice what you preach. Even though I am not satisfied with the way I look a lot of the time, I still hate other people telling me that they weigh 105 and just started a diet. I'm not to that point yet. I can still beat anyone at a taco eating contest, and i'm a big fan of mac and cheese. But i'm scared that I'm going to get to that point one day. I don't want to end up hating myself, or others for the way they look like my old neighbor does.
I am going to start learning to love my body, because in reality, it's a fairly decent and healthy one.
It's just that some days, I need help to believe that.
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Posted by PrivateEye on 2008-02-12 03:18:10 | Rating: | Views: 74
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well let me just say i am jealous that you have a naturally thin body! i went through a real bad phase not too long ago... im not the type to follow the media but subconsciously i do see skinny/thin as beautiful without even realising it.. i started looking up "weight loss tips" on the net and stumbled on a pro-anorexic site, i started checking them all out and was addicted to it - at first i would just look at it and see how terrible it was, these 13 year old girls talking about how they want to see their bones and how "hunger" is their friend etc. i couldnt believe it. i started thinking that i could maybe be "semi-anorexic", like live their "lifestyle" but only a little bit, like when i reach my goal wieght and then eventually stop.. i started eating no less than 300 cals a day, exercised like mad - and lived on water and fruit... needless to say my will to be thin was weaker than my will to be happy and healthy at the end of the day..but if i had to have access to these websites when i was younger, and more gullable i can guarantee that i would have most definitely become a full flegdged anorexic and would have probably killed myself..and it makes me think about all the girls on those sites..how can we help them out? they take pictures of themselves and post on the sites as "thinspiration", they look like bones wrapped in a glove - they even have tips on how to hide your eating disorder. its so sad. how much of life we miss out when we get sucked into these idealisms and in the media etc. we miss out big time on what matters. im so ashamed that i was so self-obsessed like that, even it was just for a month or so.. im so angry at myself for hurting myself like that, but im glad that theres a light at hte end of the tunnel! i still want to lose weight, but i dont think about it 24/7. I eat healthily (80% of the time) and exercise atleast 4 times a week... i weight 65k and for my height am supposed to weigh 55 k..but i will get there slowly but surely without hurting myself and it feels good. not every day though, i have those bad "fat" days where i feel fat in everything! it usually happens before i go out somewhere where i know there will be alot of people..and alot of socialising... its hard to learn not to make it the be all and end all of being attractive..but i am getting there without hurting myself which is a good thing. i believe that its only healthy for someone to be skinny if it comes naturally - like you! (lucky cow! 8)
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Posted by Lisa20
on 2008-02-22 03:09:28
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