I can't sleep but what else is new.  I've come to the conclusion that my body is on strike and my immune system has left town without notice.  I've been so sick lately it's almost distrubing.

A quick recap (the short version):

migraines; bronchitis; constant headaches, more migraines; hives; ringworm; hives; twitching & hives.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  I was even fired from a job a few months ago due to my migraines but that's another story.  Every time I think "it can't get any worse!"  it does.  I believe I have even said that i'm going to drive myself crazy and probably get a nervous twitch.  Well, I did.

Mainly I've just been itching for the last few months.. I lost count at nine weeks.  No one seems to know what to do with me.  First they said, oh it's hives.  Then it was, no it's not hives.  It's ringworm.  Then I developed an allergic reaction to my medication for ringworm.  Stop taking it.  Oh it's back?  Well it looks like hives to me.

Two trips to the ED.  Mulitple trips to my family doctor (they know me by name, even face, or voice over the phone.  They don't even ask for my insurance card anymore).  A trip to the allergist.  Now I'm going to the physicratrist (i know that can't be spelled right.  Next I'll have to go to a spelling coach or something).  And also I'm being sent back to the allergist (cause they really helped the first time i went). 

The new theory:  stress.  Ahhh, yes.  Stress.

Who's stressed?  Certainly not me.  I mean.. who would get stressed out about being on medical leave, not having any money to pay your bills (or even your co-pay), constantly itching, all your previous health problems, tons of medication (and having to pay for it), and constantly being uncomfortable in your own skin and mind??  Certainly not stressed here.  Nope, not at all.

So with all this in mind, I'm pretty certain that it is possible to drive yourself crazy.  I'm sure i'm there already.  

So - in order to help me get through this, my place of employement has put me on intermititent medical leave (i can leave if i need to.. or not come in and not get in trouble).  This is supposed to help me.. but how can it help if when i need to leave (which is about every night around nine pm) I feel extremely guilty?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I worry all the time.  I feel like crap all the time.  I feel guilty all the time.  All I want to do is sleep.. sleep peacefully and not wake up every two hours or so.  But I can't even sleep. My body has become so used to medications that within 24 hours, a medication wont have the same affect on me.  (Like being able to take double the percocet and muscle relaxer and only feeling a bit sleepy, but i cant still drive!).

I'd say I give up, but I've already said that I give up and things only get worse.  I'd say I'm going to keep at it!  But I dont even believe myself.    I'd tell my health, karma, world, whoever or whatever, to go fuck themselves... but i've already done that too.  So i'm just going to say my body is on strike and my immune system went some place where it could relax.  I only wish my immune system would have taken me with it.