It is only through pushing our limits that we learn ourselves. Following this logic by attending a Chinese dinner party, and having your honor and drinking prowess called into question you can push all social limits. You would think I would learn to quell this behavior in the early stages of the night, but I am a glutton for punishment and hate my body. That and the free booze; I get weak in the knees every time I hear those words.

Alone and penniless on the long weekend doesn’t necessarily mean you are not having fun on the weekend. If you are like me you can cash in on the one talent you have that doesn’t require money. That’s right I use the fact that I am white to get free things because every Chinese person worth their salt knows it is an honor and a privilege to be friends with a foreigner (note: I am a disgusting person). As it happens I don’t even have to provoke it anymore, just lying half naked in the soccer field seems enough to invite me to dinner. At first I am reluctant to take the teacher up on his offer. He is not female and Chinese males in China have some weird tendencies towards other dudes so I don’t get up from the grass. He tries to sweeten the deal by telling me his wife is a good cook, still not enough to do it. He mentions beer, I’ll get my coat.

Arriving at his home after an awkward ten minute ride on his scooter I am greeted by no less than six members of his extended family who I think live with him. Unfortunately, this also includes his brother in law, who is an officer, in the army and is already handing me a beer. Oh good, I think to myself opening the beer, I guess it will be one of those nights. I am herded into the small courtyard that all Chinese homes seem to have instead of yards where my Chinese is put to the test before the actual eating begins. It is found wanting however, luckily a solution for this is at hand and I finish my beer looking around for another. It is provided from the three cases I see stacked against the far wall. I ask how many people are coming to this party. Just me, Chinese women don’t drink, and military man seems to have it in for me, looks like I am going home in a body bag.

The only good thing that alcohol does is make me better at everything I do. This is a dangerous fact and could lead to alcoholism later on in life but right now provides me with the oral skills (heh) to hold my own in Chinese conversation. All attention for the moment is on me and facts about my life, what can I say, I am kind of a big deal (read no, no I am not). I am the first foreigner four of the six have ever met and the children are visibly frightened of me thinking me to be some sort of white devil. Taking some candy from my pocket I smooth things over for them, no kid anywhere will refuse candy from a strange older man.

The food is finally ready and they break out the bowls that are used in place of mugs for the beer. This is the beginning of the end for me; anyone who has experienced beer bowls such as these knows that they are never empty… never. The brother in law who I am calling Officer Faced fills me up and toasts me in one smooth motion, last train for sanity has left the station. The number of times I lifted that bowl to my mouth is not important, what is important is that this jerk thinks he can brag later to his friends that he drank a foreigner under the table. More seasoned than I was when I arrived in this country leads me to believe that he is wrong. So I go bowl to bowl with him in between bites of food.

Even if Officer Faced hadn’t have come I still would have worked pretty hard at getting drunk. The food was traditional Chinese fair and just as luck would have it some of the more outlandish dishes they can come up with. Sitting right in front of me is a plate of boiled chicken feet, to the right of that is what looks like mashed asparagus. Other plates include the pile of snails, the bowl of stewed pig ears and what looks to be fish head soup. There is no way I will last through this dinner by being sober while politely eating, so I toast Faced again and wait for a refill.

By the end of the meal I have only tried a few mouthfuls of each plate. It has nothing to do with the food, I will eat anything, I am simply too full of beer. Officer Faced is on me every few minutes to drink more and it seems like he wants to finish all three cases between us. Needless to say I am really fucked up from the rapid rate of drinking, more important though my Chinese has improved by leaps and bounds. Fully able to participate in the conversation now I start contributing as much as my burgeoning Chinese will allow. This includes what I think of the other teachers I work with, the company we work for and your daughter will grow up to be hot.

Yes comments about your hosts young daughter have all the tact of a sledgehammer luckily I don’t notice until after I say it. The whole table goes silent as what can only be explained as an awkward situation unfolds. All of us look at the daughter who has now turned several shades of red. She beats a hasty retreat upstairs to her room to no doubt cry because of the mean white man and their scrutiny turns back to me. Not a single sound can be heard except for the steps upstairs and a door closing. Being the social butterfly that I am, I make things worse by saying the first thing that comes to my mind. “So why don’t you guys just go ahead and free Tibet?”

Silence again, you could hear a mouse sneeze, or a poodlerat as the mouse population has already been eaten by their larger poodle like cousins. Time to be heading the old dusty trail, I get up and thank them for the meal and the drinks and take my leave. The father follows me to the door and thanks me for coming and he will see my back at work. Alone now in an unfamiliar part of town and broke I make for home in the direction I assume it is.

It takes a full half an hour to get my bearings again and I realize that I am near the bar. Being without money I probably shouldn’t go especially with there being a cover charge to get in. So of course I throw all caution to the wind and go anyway. The large bouncer that is usually at the door is gone as luck would have it and there is only a small old woman selling tickets to get in. With as much confidence as I can muster I walk past her with a quick “I have a ticket,” as I go by. Her screech of protest is ignored by me and the other patrons as I try to fade into the crowd. This is fairly difficult for me being the only pasty white dot in a crowd of yellow and brown. I make it to the bar and start talking to the bartendress in the hopes of coaxing a free drink from her.

No one but the group of slightly older gentlemen to my left sees that I am white and marvels at my slightly pinkish caste. I play it up and speak Chinese with them and answer any questions they have. Eventually alcohol is provided and I move to sit with them feeling slightly ill at ease. A lot of these guys are creepy in their three piece suits and small black eyes seeking the young, pretty prey they hunt for. Realizing what has happened I take another beer from the pile and make my way to the bathroom hoping to never have to resort to this again.

Halfway there the aforementioned bouncer stops me and asks to see my ticket. I offer him the unopened beer, his slow brain grinds through the frustration of turning down a free drink. He takes it anyway and examines it closely suspecting some sort of trick. At that moment while he is pondering what I have done to the beer I take off through the crowd towards the exit. With a full beer left I break through the crowd and out the door to the street beyond. A quick look behind me and I know he either can’t get through the press of people because of his girth or he is still looking at his new beer trying to read the words.

Free for the moment with my alcohol I decide that it is time to call it a night and walk home. I take an alleyway though; you never know what you can find the back streets of China. Some of the most interesting people I have met have lived inside cardboard shanties in the dark streets of Taixing. I am not above watching two vagrants fighting over a poodlerat corpse either; sometime it is the small pleasures in life that make it good.

It seems like close to twenty minutes of walking before I realize I must have gotten turned around. I try to retrace my steps and soon give up; throwing my finished beer into a bush I decide the only way to get out of the maze of alleys is to get more lost. Choosing a street at random I walk for another twenty minutes before seeing a pool hall that is still open. I walk in and realize that although they have pool this is no pool hall. Two girls behind the bar who can only be described as “sketchy” see me and come around to greet me. I talk to them for a few minutes before asking them what this place is. A KTV they respond which is Chinese for exactly what you think it is. Looking past them I see the private rooms that only confirm my suspicions.

Instead of turning my tail and running like a little bitch I ask how much it is to play a game of pool. It is free, which is exactly the kind of entertainment I need. I challenge the two of them to a game (note to self: never challenge hookers to pool) and they ask me if I want a drink. Whatever is free is fine with me and point at the bucket of wine bottles obviously waiting to be taken to some patrons inside and say that some of that would be alright. They blush and say that I can’t because it is not mine and already paid for by *insert creepy business man*. Doesn’t matter, it is there and I want to drink it so I start to haggle with them convincing them that one bottle out of six will not be missed. This goes back and forth for a while and when they see that I am not backing down they get it for me before I just walk up and take it anyway.

While drinking my (free) wine I hardly realize that I am being thoroughly hustled in the pool game. Had I been sober during this fiasco I would have realized what was happening as they turned me into what amounts to a sniveling pool bitch. Also I would have probably thrown money down betting my prowess at the billiards table against there and lost. Lucky for me the school was late to pay me this month so I left no poorer than when I walked in. unsatisfied with my night until I can find two homeless people to liven things up I walk around for a while to find them.

This is consequently how I found my way home; hunting for pitiable homeless in the backstreets of Taixing China.

By: Alex Murray