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Another night alone in China, and I refuse to stay inside and bore myself with movies I have seen time and time again. No not tonight, I will go make my own fun whether my friend Chris is here or not. Apparently seeing his girlfriend is more important then partying with me, but that is fine, I am more then capable of making my own fun. Fortunate for this Saturday I have a tutoring appointment with the lady who owns the best pizza place in Taixing. More then likely this will deteriorate into us playing poker with some of the other servers. Thinking ahead for this I pocket my poker chips and cards before leaving.
I am way too early to meet her and before I do this I want to buy beer just to make the night a little more interesting. The tutoring sessions are pretty informal so showing up half cut will only serve to improve my Chinese and relax after a long (read boring) week. I wave to Wild Mike The Party Guard while going through the front gates of the school and turn down the street. I briefly consider asking him if he wants beer but I know it will only turn into Wild Mike and I hanging out in the guard house all night, drinking and yelling at people.
Just a little way down the street towards the pizza place I stop in at the store where we buy our beer and purchase 4 bottles for the usual dollar Canadian. Two go into my coat pockets and the owner’s wife opens the other two so I can get drinking as early as possible. I still have some time and so I talk to the owner for a while sipping at one of my bottles. Then just to ruin my night an idiot comes in to buy cigarettes. I have never met this guy or seen him before yet he feels the need to get excited about me being here and show off his impressive English. I have no patience for people like this and he gets out the hello before I shoot him down.
I ask him what hello means and tell him I don’t understand. It is my favorite tactic for dealing with people like this and it confuses and frustrates Chinese people every time. He is embarrassed by his obvious poor showing and the owner knowing what is going on gets a laugh out of it, making it all the worse for this moron. I take another pull of my beer and tell myself that I will only drink these four tonight. Even though it is Saturday I want to at least stay in control, I don’t have anyone to bail me out of any weird situations that might (and will) arise. To further illustrate my ownage of this cocky little kid i push past him and go back out to the street.
It is only about 4 city blocks to the pizza place so I wave goodbye to the owner of the small shop and make my way through the rapidly darkening streets of Taixing. At this point in my stint here in China I hope the people on the street are staring at me because I am white. Most likely it is because you don’t see many foreigners two fisting beer on the streets of a small town in China. So as not to look like a complete alcoholic when I get to the restaurant (and to all of the spectators I already have) I am chugging the beer as fast as I can lift it to my mouth. This way it only looks like I bought two for the lesson instead of the four I actually did drink.
The speed combined with the fact that each bottle is a full liter of beer I meander and take my time so I don’t end up wanting to vomit. I wave at people, smile at children and glare at douchebags stopping to drink every few minutes. The bottles are getting emptier and emptier and before I get to the crossroads to go the last block I am done one of the bottles.
The empty goes into the bushes by the road for some enterprising hobo to cash in on and the other follows soon after. At this point I feel almost nothing of the alcohol as I have drank too quickly and Chinese beer is pretty weak. Two liters is a lot though so before going any farther I stop to sit on a bench to calm my protesting stomach to keep from puking. A few minutes go by before I am confident to go on again. I check the time and I am already late, rising from the bench the first tremor hits me, this might be more entertaining then I thought. With only a small initial wobble to my step I run the last block to the pizza place.
The servers as usual are at the door to greet the patrons and are excited to see me. Not too many people have come tonight and they are always happy to pass the time talking to a westerner. The lady I am supposed to teach, Sheena, has not yet arrived, relieving the small guilt I had for being late. Regardless I put my beer, the poker chips, and the cards on the table and call for a bottle opener. One is brought and I order the first pizza I see in the menu avoiding the beer for the first few minutes. The server we call “Voice” for her distinctive speech, sits down across the table obviously bored, to talk to me. Between my burgeoning Chinese (thank you beer) and her halting English we talk together about Canada until my food comes fifteen minutes later.
This really isn’t like Sheena to be late like this and so I inquire as to her whereabouts only to get a series of “I don’t know’s,” from her staff. I try calling her to see when or if she will be joining me. No answer and I fly though a few slices of pizza. Well this is still alright, I ask Voice if she wants to play cards and she quickly agrees asking me to teach her a Canadian game. I share some of my pizza with her and break out the cards.
Poker is what I want to play tonight and I explain the rules to her going over the hands and the order we bet. I teach her the Texas Hold’em method only omit the blinds so I don’t confuse her anymore then necessary. She seems to be into it and we play a few hands without betting anything to practice. To say that I got my ass handed to me would be putting it lightly. I am far from the best poker player I know but I know how to play. Whether it was just because it was her first time playing or Chinese are just naturally lucky she won almost every hand. Luck beats skill every single time, with her new found confidence in her abilities we move on to betting.
At this point I notice the bored cook sitting at the corner table watching us intently. Some back story for this might be needed. About two weeks ago Chris and I had come here to play poker and this guy had wanted to play too despite not knowing anything about the game. Delicately put the guy shamed our collective Canadian asses home with our tails between our legs. It wasn’t even fair, for every good hand one of us had he would have slightly better. He is either and idiot savant or blessed by some god. It seems like all Chinese people are like this with cards though with how she is soundly beating me. I stare back at him and finally relent to the unsaid request. I invite him over to play.
At this development Voice decides to leave not liking the company and now I have two reasons to beat him. I shuffle up and deal the first of what would become a long game. He is better now and knows when to fold, he is also playing pretty aggressively, betting on every card. The careful player that I am, I am folding the majority of my cards so as not to bleed too many chips. My first decent hand comes up, I have pocket kings and the flop is an ace, seven, two with no matching suits. It is not a sure thing but I bet anyway backing the odds on this hand. Another ace on the turn card now I know for sure that I have this hand in the bag. The odds of him having the third ace are extraordinary. The river card comes up, a third ace, upgrading my hand to a full house. If I wasn’t so sure this guy was a moron I would think that he was somehow cheating.
This is it though a chance to redeem some of my lost honor and I bet high again watching his eyes hoping he will betray what he has. I am fairly certain he has a seven to go with the three aces to make a full house as well and when he matches my bet we show our cards. UN… BE… LIVE… ABLE. The fourth ace is his and I lose roughly fifth of my chips on one hand. I have never had a four of a kind before and seen only one in my life let alone four of a kind ACES. He is smiling that metallic, half done dental work smile that I know and hate and it is his turn to deal. I finish the last of my second beer and know that I have to be extra careful in playing this guy when drunk.
This goes on for some time and I order another beer from Voice to keep my drunk going. My vision is getting hazy; I am only going in of sure things now unless I get lucky and bluff him out of a chip or two early in a hand. The first hour goes by unnoticed by us and the other servers, bored, come over to watch the steadily more tense event. Eventually through shrewd folding and carefully studying his playing style I start to emerge as the chip leader. Even though this game is not for money, the more we play the more face we will lose when someone is declared the winner. Another tough hand to call, I have the straight, seven through jack but there are three spades in the cards so there is a chance he could have the flush to beat me. The lights lower and the servers turn off the open sign. The new shadows throw his piggish face into sharp relief and his smirk gives away his hand. No way am I going to lose another big one to this idiot and I fold.
Another hour goes by and the only people left in the restaurant are me, Voice and the man I will refer to as Jaws for his metallic half teeth replacements. I have had him down to four chips twice already but like a prize fighter with everything on the line he rises again and again. This is it…
Risking everything and getting tired of this game I force him all in for four before seeing the flop. I have an eight and a three which is risky to begin with but the tediousness of this game is starting to wear me down. He is in too and we show each other our cards. A seven and a five, things are looking up for me with the higher card and I flip the first three. A three, a five and jack, we both pull a pair and his is higher.
“Not again, please,” I whisper.
The turn is a four and is no help to either of us. All of my hope rests in the river card, if it is another three or an eight I will win, anything else and I lose. I slowly burn a card and flip the last card over.
An eight… I win, the tense silence is broken with my whoop of joy. “How do you like that you jerk,” I yell knowing that the tone not the language will convey the message. “Yeah that is how a Canadian plays poker.” At this I finish my beer to the sound of Voice telling me that it was a long game and she is glad I won. As the last of the beer disappears from the bottle I slam it down on the table walk outside and vomit.
“AAAHGGGG,” A soul shattering quake bursts through me and the bush I have decided to ruin. Whether from the tense situation or the fact that I have had too much to drink tonight I lose all control in the violation of scraggly, Chinese shrub. Voice comes out to see if I am ok and I wave her off still trembling from the effects of what just happened. In control again I calmly walk back inside and Jaws is no where to be seen. I ask voice for another beer to replace the one I just lost and she meekly complies giving it to me for free. I leave the restaurant and swaying unsteadily I start the journey home.
I stop mid step and nearly fall, I realize suddenly that I have forgotten both cards and chips in the pizza place. Rocking unsteadily I look back but I know they are a lost cause. All of the lights are out and it looks still. The last of the beer is finished and joins its fallen comrades in what is probably a fairly sizeable bottle pile in the bushes. It is only nine so I decide to see if there is anyone at the bar, hey maybe even Sheena is there and I can ask why she stood me up.
It is only a few extra blocks to get to the Baidu bar and on the walk there I pass a massage parlour/bathouse. In the state of mind that I am in this place looks very inviting and so I ask the man shoveling coal into a furnace just inside the open doors how much money is a massage. He replies that it is only sixty Chinese dollars for a massage here and a bath is another ten. Not wanting to hang out with a bunch of old naked dudes I opt for the massage only. Walking in I take off my shoes and am directed by the same old man to a door leading to the change room. Inside are the usual creepy old men who frequent these places all in various stages of undress.
I choose my locker and undress to my boxers as is the etiquette in these situations. Everyone in the change room is waiting for it all to come off though and they are all staring at me and waiting. Although drunk I don’t think I will ever have the presence of mind to strip for the enjoyment of an elderly Chinese gentleman and walk out. I am stopped at the change room entrance though by some of the old men and they tell me I have to take off my boxers. Well this is one of the weirder social situations I have been in and calmly explain in Chinese that it will be a cold day in hell before take off the boxers for them.
The man and his friends get more vehement in their arguments about me losing the boxers and I stay relaxed and ask why I should need to do so. This throws the whole room into confusion and the commotion draws the proprietor (read pimp) of the place in to settle it. The situation is explained to him and he turns to me and tells me to take off the boxers. Well this is just getting ridiculous and I tell him in Chinese “No, I don’t even want a bath just a massage and there is no need for me to be naked despite what these deviants want me to do.” (not verbatim but you get the picture) He gives up and I follow him upstairs to where I can get my massage.
I am given a girl at random and she delivers with more then the usual zeal. After only five minutes in the booth with her I feel like punching bag and am not getting any more relaxed. Trying to explain to her that I don’t want bruises doesn’t help; she ignores me and continues with her rambunctious treatment of my body. After a while I start to get used to it and relax a little, at this she stops her violent treatments and what could amount to an actual massage starts. I am given a half hour of this before she flips me over on to my back and without so much as buying my a drink goes for my junk.
“Wow no. Hold on, I am not that type of girl,” I remove the offending hand. “I think that will just about do me for tonight.” With the look of confusion still on her face I leave the booth brushing by the two mostly naked, elderly, Chinese men who were peeking in at me. I don’t give them a second look because I am used to the idiosyncrasies of China and I make my way back to the change room. Many of the same lecherous old men are still in there talking no doubt about me and stop and stare as I enter. I go to my locker ignoring there gaze knowing it will be more uncomfortable (if that is possible) if I were to respond to it. Not playing to there hopes to finally see some of the great white north (heh) I put on my clothes and leave.
After the gentle ministrations of the girl and defending myself from meat gazers I am almost sober. Exhausted from the night I don’t want to walk and despite the danger from doing so I take a penny cab home with the change from the bathhouse. I bet Jaws has never been asked to strip before.
By: Alex Murray
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