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Chip Off The Old Tooth Part 1

The day started innocently enough, Chris and I took the company car (and driver) to the big city to party with two more Canadians he knew from last year. The trip uneventful as it may be brought many questions, if we leave one city and travel to another city, shouldn't there be some lack of city in between? Apparently not, yet another welcome to China moment for me, it never stops. I guess here there really isn’t just empty space. The largest are parks and big patches of gardens and are all surrounded by city. It was almost... depressing.

Anyway, we arrive in the local city center of Yangzhou (pronounced young jo) after only two hours of city driving. It is four o'clock and I am looking to stay sober this time and act as the group babysitter, throwing up on myself again would put a pretty big dent in my ego. The driver lets us off at the English school there so we can see if any of the other foreign teachers want to come. Unfortunately the only other people there are the heinous douchebags from Minneapolis that nobody likes. We cut our losses and head downtown in a taxi to meet up with the Canadians Eric and Rob.
Chris phones Rob to see where he would like to meet us and go for predrinking dinner. He suggests a place on a street called Snack Street, kind of a local bar and restaurant district. We agree and set off from the big pagoda in the town center on foot, as Chris thinks its close enough to walk and we can experience some of what China has to offer. Here are some weird events over the next few minutes:

a brick fence being torn down and rebuilt without clearing out the old rubble. They are using the same bricks as were used before

a tree so top heavy from over zealous pruning that it is falling over and held up by a large steel bracer

a solid block lined with people whose soul purpose was to shine your shoes, all for less then 5 cents Canadian

large piles of garbage (sometimes on fire)strewn randomly throughout the street

several penny taxi drivers offering to take us to a bathhouse by using the pointer finger through the circle as a way of asking

a pizza hut but decked out so that it rivaled a 5 star restaurant at home

a maple tree that pissed me off so much I ripped a bunch of branches off of it because it left Canada

a spider the size of a mouse with a web that could catch a small child

Don't get me wrong, the good parts of china far outweigh the bad that I had just experienced so far. However a lot of the ugly you will find you will see all at once in some places. The restaurant is packed by the time we get there and there is no sign of Rob or Eric. We squeeze to the rear and find a table that will service us all adequately and Chris phones rob again to see what is taking them. Apparently they are picking up another friend named Dirty Tom and his date; this is not good as we don't really have room. So, seeing a table close by with the party leaving it and I quickly annex it for ourselves and drag it over. The wait staff is not impressed by this and scowl at us accordingly. One looks about to speak but is shushed by her peers. There is nothing they can do; being white in China is akin to being bulletproof. No one can touch you because that would affect the national image, and the Chinese have way to much national ego and pride to risk it, to our advantage.

The rest of the group finally arrives by then and I greet all of them in turn except to Dirty Tom I just smile and say hello I don't want to touch his hand or him in any way possible. I know where they have been. Last year, as a teacher, Dirty Tom spent almost every single one of his checks at local bathhouses sampling the “wares.” For those of you who don't know what a bathhouse is, please note that getting professionally bathed is only one of the services they offer. Which is why he bears the name Dirty Tom. His girlfriend I see is very attractive, as most Asian women are. This leads me to believe she is dumb being with the man notorious for whoring. This trait is probably noted by the rest of the members of the group as well and a sense of rivalry pervades the room. Rob seems particularly aggressive and strikes up a conversation with her.

Chris and Rob order for the group, as it is communal food in restaurants (and pretty much everywhere else in China). We all pretty much eat from the same plate and everything in China tastes so close to each other you either really love the food or hate it. Everyone, being a teacher, was ok with it and Chris being Chris orders beer for everyone as Dirty Tom pulls out a very large bottle of bijou, the national hard liquor of China.

Not Good...

I protest and it falls on deaf ears. This is really not good. I want to stay sober and in control. Last time I ruined a dinner party and this time I want to stay conscious past 11 o’clock. Rounds of “you are a little bitch” and “dig the sand out of your vagina” pressure me. So, I agree to have one beer. That won't be so bad. Right?  Wrong, the beer in this place is the size of a small child and you are almost guaranteed to need a lot of it to drown out the spicy food. Well maybe I can slip some of it into the plant next to me while no one is looking… I can’t believe I just said that. Waste beer in such a fashion, for shame self. For shame.

Looks like tonight might be a little more exciting then I thoug... yet again. Well if I am going to go down, I am going to go down fighting. I take a sip from the extreme beer. It is appalling; it is so salty. It's like drinking a bag of chips, if tasted like a rotting bag of ass. At least our food has arrived. It looks to me like sweet and sour pork (score!), some rice vegetable combination, a plate of cooked eggplant (going to avoid that one), and an unidentifiable meat in an unidentifiable paste. I stay safe and stick to the pork and rice. “OH NO... OH NO...WHAT IS THIS”!!! The rice hits my mouth like a piece of road kill and melted tar. It is terrible! I hit the beer, hard. Even it is excellent in comparison. I no longer trust the rice and stick to the pork. You wouldn't forsake me pork.

The pork is done; everyone is glaring at me for eating all of it. I tell them they are bad people for ordering such a travesty of a meal so it is there fault. I try to ask the waitress if there is anything other than beer to drink and am coldly rebuffed. Well then, with no other options I finish my bottle and it is quickly replaced. What is it with this place and its hatred for sobriety? I talk to Eric and Rob, they seem alright, probably because they are Canadian and can really do alcohol. They offer me some bijou. I decline citing health reasons (i.e. I don't want my body razed to the ground in a firestorm of Chinese liquor). Bijou is awful; it is probably fermented from an alcoholics puke and swamp water. Dirty Tom pours me a glass while I am not looking and I turn around to talk to him. He is offering a toast to Canadians and I grab my glass and drink deeply. Huh, that doesn’t taste like coke. I gag the bijou, which hits me like a sledgehammer to the face. Not good I have taken the equivalent of three ounces of a 60% alcohol that is used to deteriorate cement.

I wobble to my feet, all thoughts of staying sober are gone and I need more beer before I throw up from the disgusting aftertaste of the liquor. I take one from Chris and drink the whole bottle desperate to rid myself of the taste. There is a sound of rushing water in my ears and I vaguely hear people yelling for me to slow down, I tell Chris and Tom they are bad people and ease myself back into my seat.

By the time we left the restaurant, I had drank another full liter and a half of beer and was way more ready to go to the bar then I had originally intended. I am on the cusp of losing control and blacking out. I try to focus my mind on the task at hand, which is walking and take a couple of deep breaths and it clears my head a little. Tonight, the bar we are going to is Alice’s Cellar Bar. It is a known haunt of all of the foreigners in the city despite being a hole in the wall and it being kind of small. Alice is ridiculously gorgeous which is probably how it became the spot to be for the foreign teachers.

Already the bar is full to bursting with people of all nationalities; I am bombarded with greetings and introductions from people I have never seen before. Pressing my way through the throng, I sit down at the bar and the excitement of a new foreigner dies down a little and I start talking to Alice and an American named Mitch. Mitch is here working for a company, one of the few who aren't a teacher. He is also very dull, so losing interest I move on and across the room to the pool tables. I strike up a conversation with two more Americans, but this time I want to have a little fun with them. So, I lay on a thick Russian accent and see if I can piss them off. They ask me where I am from and thinking fast I tell them “I am froming Irkutsk Russia” and I am here on “vacationing”. The one on the left, call him Gary, takes offense to this. He doesn't like Russians as I am a communist android and evil. I say in broken English that Russia is now a “democratic” but he still leaves in disgust. The other American begins asking me all of these questions about Russia that I really have no idea about. So, I make stuff up for the next twenty minutes. If you ever run into an American named Wayne who thinks there is a city called Chenfersk and think that cars there are driven from the backseat, then you know I have been there.

Glancing across the bar I see Rob all over Dirty tom's girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever she is. I look around for Tom and he appears to have vanished. Well good for you Rob, this only seems to highlight my own lonely situation and so I do a lap around the bar just to look. I spot Chris talking to a woman and her friend and I head over. Man law states that you must wing man for a friend and Chris was having trouble, or so it appeared. So, I start talking to her friend who I later find out is her niece. Wow, good work Chris she may look young but like everything else in China, it's a lot more ruined than it would seem. I spend the next forty minutes talking to this girl Sue and occasionally her aunt. At the time I am writing this, I cannot for the life of me remember what either of them look like besides the aunt having a kind of used look to her. It ends when they have to leave and they both ask if I have a phone number. I don't, so they ask if I will be coming back and I said yes maybe next Friday, even though I probably won't or remember if I did.

Bored I wander until challenged by a guy to a game of pool for a drink. Unfortunately, it was not to come to a peaceful conclusion. I am called away from a game that I am increasingly fucking up to do rounds of shots that Chris is choosing. The first is scotch which is not as bad as he could have done, the second is rum, better and better I guess, and the last is tequila. I hate tequila almost as much as I hate that bastard Chris. Then it hits me as I am heading back to the pool table, Chris is ordering tequila and scotch, this does not bode well.

Chris has a violent history with drinking these types of hard liquor and it is advisable to stay clear of his warpath. I stumble back to where I last saw him, while hoping he doesn't bump into anyone. I see him and catch his eye, already I see the red haze falling. I continue staggering towards him, but lose him in the crowd. I find him back at the pool table helping Eric. Eric is bleeding from his head and his face is covered in blood. Oh no, I don't think Chris did that, time seems to slow down as Chris turns around and runs at the Romanians, who I later learned started the fight. Chris swings, wide and slow and connects with the lead Romanian, Mario's ear. Knocked to the side a little, he reels back and head butts Chris in the face. It may have been my imagination but I think I might have caught a glimpse of a small shard of white glinting as it flew through the air. Although stunned, Chris is far from done and hits Mario again, only in the midsection. I finally break through the crowd and grab him and start pulling him back. A sharp pain explodes in the back of my head and I lurch forward, still half carrying Chris, and the crowd parts for us. The next few minutes are a blur, but I do remember holding Chris down on the sidewalk a block away while he screamed for Mario's blood for a half hour.

I wake up. I am on the floor, which would explain the pain in my back and my head is on fire. Rob is up too and tells me Mario hit me in the back of the head while aiming for Chris, which explains the pain there. Well, aside from the massive hangover, I am intact. I hope Chris's insurance pays for dental work. Welcome To China.

By: Alex Murray

Aside: Rob did end up having sex with Dirty Tom's Girlfriend, the jerk. Chris had a message on his phone asking if him and the Russian were coming back next weekend to party. He still doesn't know how they got his phone number.
Edit: Two months later we ended up running into Mario again at the same bar and before things escalated he apologized for the oral damage done to Chris.