Thoughts.com Blogs - Down Again

Just now, I saw the guy that I have a crush on. There is NO way he is gonna like me and we would have something in common. Maybe he doesn't care to talk to me anymore. My sadness and depression got to me. I guess he didn't notice that I was like almost right where he could see me. Oh well. Let me just forget it. I just feel worthless, slow, ulgy and stupid. Why can't I get out of my loneliness? I am lonely or a loner for alot of reasons. One reason is that since I was 11, I was bullied constantly. This went on until two yrs ago, and then one year ago, I went to another high school. Things have gotten better but depression and loneliness followed. I always been suicidial. I have tried to kill myself once. I am starting to think that maybe suicide is the only way out but then I have to keep going. Another reason that I am a loner is because I have a feeling that no one wants me and its very frustrating because I can't explain why. I I feel very ashamed for not being a good enough person to be something other than lonely, and being too ashamed to be capable of ending the feeling of loneliness. I hate myself. I don't even know how to break this cycle. Quietness is so overwhelming that you’ll do anything to end the silence, or to at least pretend it doesn’t exist. Anything to surround yourself, to comfort yourself, to be included in something or to feel unity with someone.Thats how I feel, well I always felt that way. I am not a success but I need to have alot of faith in myself because NO one else will. I need to stop this but I need to get help before I actually do kill myself. One day I can be very high on myself and then a few minutes later, I can just brag to myself on how I am about to die. I sometimes find myself that loneliness is my form of comfort but why is that? Here is a quote I can relate to "loneliness is the understanding of your true potential and living it while you being alone can appreciate it. It is the longing for a connection deep beyond the surface while knowing the rarity of such a commodity. It is moving about in the hollow of society unable to superficially connect knowing such a sacrifice for companionship is the ultimate forfeiture of life". I feel that most of the times, being alone can make you realize alot and learn alot about yourself. But too much is bad. I long so much to be with someone so much like me. Then I wouldn't be so lonely.