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About a month and a half ago, I quit my job and travelled back "home" as well as taking a short tour to Australia. I must have dreamed through my whole trip because before I even had a chance to soak in those rare relaxing moments, it was all over and here I am back in the States. When I was busy printing photos and organizing a scratch book for my trip during the past week that I've been back, I couldn't help but get slightly aggravated that I didn't do something to hold on to the good times. It was as if there was something I could do to make time go by slower. More than any other time that I've gone back "home", I'm missing it like crazy this time. But at the same time I felt more and more like I didn't belong there. Having moved to the States as a kid with my parents 15 yrs ago, I feel more and more like a stranger each time I go back. It was mostly the atmostphere, the super polluted air, the crazy crowds of people jetting in every direction possible at any given time of the day, the way people dressed, the way people are in such a hurry that is almost suffocating. Going out on the streets is like dodging bullets. I no longer speak/read/write the language as fluently as I once did. I was out of sync with the new culture trends. Nevertheless, none of these bothers me more than the fact that my whole extended family lives half a world away from me. My grandma turns 78 at the end of the month and I can't be there to celebrate her birthday. My aunt gets stressed out from work and I can't be there to have our "girl chats". My cousin who has cerebral palsy gets bullied in school and I can't be there to help him. All these things are frustrating me more than ever and there's nothing I can do about them..... How can I feel so home-sick for a place that I no longer call "home"??
Taking this break from my monotonous life here was an attempt to clear my mind (well and of course to visit family) and have a fresh start. Now that I'm back, I'm not so sure if anything's changed. I feel like I wasted a whole week just trying to get over my jetlag. I felt so desparate yet so helpless. I wanted to make good use of every remaining minute of my vacation but then I slept through many daytime hours and spent my nights staring at the ceiling. Don't get me wrong -- I am excited to start my new job this coming Monday. It'll be a new professional experience and it'll be a good change. I just don't know if it'll be a change significant enough in the grand scheme of things.....In in eyes of everyone around me, I was so lucky to be able to quit my job and immediately able to find another company who was willing to wait 2 months for me while I travelled. I do feel fortunate to have the luxury of doing that. Just that I'm afraid it wasn't what I need to really turn my life around...
To be continued.... |
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Posted by Pegasaurus on 2008-03-22 01:39:38 | Rating: | Views: 44
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at a new job to start off as a turning point...i believe you will discover more along the way. Good luck!
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Posted by Elaina
on 2008-03-23 11:22:15
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what i meant was - at least a new job to start off as a turning point...i believe you will discover more along the way. Good luck!
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Posted by Elaina
on 2008-03-23 11:23:02
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Pegasaurus
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