I read some of the journals on here and some people just seem…well…lost. Lost is a good word for it. They seem overwhelmed with their unique situations and they don’t see a way of breaking free to something better. They don’t see that up ahead things may change for the better.

I remember feeling lost. I remember a deep down lonely feeling of disconnection where it would actually inhibit how I would interact with people if or when I was around them. I remember that I hated being alone. I would rather have been with unsavory characters than spend a moment by myself. I looked to other people for direction because I either didn’t trust my own judgment or I had no direction to go in to begin with.

I understand lost…but I don’t agree with it anymore. I was lost because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t want to be alone because I didn’t like the person I would be with. I hung out with people who might have liked me but they certainly didn’t love or respect me. Why should they love and respect me when I wouldn’t even do it myself. On the other side of that same coin, I didn’t like myself because no one showed me love or respect. I found myself taking up all of my mental energy blaming other’s actions for my misery and justifying my own actions as being somehow righteous.

When we feel like we are on the defensive; we probably are. If we our justifying our actions all the time, especially to our own selves, then that is a good sign that we are directionless and lost. I remember constantly justifying my actions in my own head, thinking about how I would defend myself should I have to face someone I hurt or offended or face someone who would try to talk some sense to me. To justify is to lie, and I was the worst of all liars…I lied to myself.

I remember feeling that life was unfair because I couldn’t do what I wanted to without falling into every pot hole along the road. Why couldn’t I just laugh and party it up all the time? Why didn’t I have a job that I liked and made piles of money from it? Why didn’t that girl I fell in love with love me back? Why did my car break down just when I needed it most? Why did my family treat me like crap? Why did my friends treat me like crap? Why was life so unfair?

Life was so unfair because I was stupid. I had a little voice inside of me giving me constant directions and I was ignoring it…and not just ignoring it, but most of the time actually cursing it. I wanted that voice to go away. I thought that it was driving me insane. I knew better than to do some of the things I did because I had something inside of me trying to warn me. I did it anyway and that made me stupid.

In my mind, I was a rebel. I wasn’t going to fall for some conscious thing going on inside my sickened, jaded head. I was too hip for that. I was a freeman who would never settle down and become…uh…normal. Well, I got my wish; I wasn’t normal…I was stupid. Somehow, even through all my justifications, I knew I was stupid and that is why I didn’t like myself.

One day I finally sobered up enough to see that there were not enough justifications in the world to make me delude myself into thinking I wasn’t stupid. I sobered up enough to realize that if I listened to that voice in my head there weren’t as many potholes along the road anymore. I started looking for signs that kept me going on a road with fewer potholes. I found new roads that led me away from the people who made me feel bad about myself and the people that remained had a growing respect for me…I had a growing respect for me. I met people that loved and respected me because I learned to love and respect me. I listen to this voice that is more of a feeling than an actual voice. I follow the signs. The roads I travel now may not always be smooth roads but I look at it as if they are the smoothest roads possible on my journey to where I’m heading. I don’t feel lost anymore. I don’t feel stupid anymore. I don’t feel the need to justify anything I do because I feel like I’m doing the right thing to begin with…that voice is always right. All we have to do is connect with the voice and we’ll know exactly where we are.