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I’ve been cursed with what some people call a free spirit. I feel constrained with society’s rules and mores. In my mind, I know what is right and wrong and I don’t really need a person or a group of people acting as my moral thermometer. Starting somewhere way back, possibly in grade school, I started looking at adults as if they somehow missed the meaning or direction of how life should be. I knew there had to be more to life than getting a job, getting married, having kids, growing old, and then dying. The dying part is, of course, inevitable and I’ve always been prepared for that, but the rest seemed unbearable.
I never knew exactly what I wanted out of life, but I thought, at least I knew what I didn’t want. As you could guess, this attitude affected all of my romantic relationships. I set a pattern very early of pursuing women I couldn’t have and women that could not become attached. I either avoided women I could have or broke off the relationship if the emotions ran too high. This pattern is now broken and it is not because of a woman, but because of a little boy. I know you are probably thinking I found out my sexual being is a pervert, but sorry, that is not the case.
I have had relationships that have lasted from six years to one night. Some of them are pretty humorous to talk about now, but at the time they were quite painful. After all, the ending of any relationship is at best character-building. Whether I was the one breaking it off or the one on the receiving end, none of it was good.
I thought I was in love with a lesbian at one time. I didn’t know she was a lesbian, and to this day, I don’t think she has admitted it to herself. All of her friends, that I eventually met, knew she was gay, but she would periodically hook up with someone like me to show her friends and especially her parents that she was a heterosexual. I liked her a lot and the chemistry was good (chemistry has to be good), but (and this is a big but) she was gay. She did like to engage in oral sex, both giving and receiving (now that I’m looking back, in retrospect, maybe like is too strong of a word), but she always found a way to avoid having intercourse. She lives alone and takes in roommates when she needs the money. I still like her and visit her when I'm in her town.
Another girl I dated was a virgin. She was in her late twenties. I had dated her fraternal twin sister in high school, so I knew her family. I had always liked her (good chemistry) but I was dating her sister. We struck up a friendship and then started dating. I went with her for nearly a year and I was patient and understanding and I probably would have married her, but she told me she wasn’t interested in sex. Of course, my question was, “None”?! Sex isn't exactly the most important thing in a relationship, but I would place it in the top five at least. She liked massages and cuddling, but no touching the good stuff. She was asexual. She is still a virgin and lives with her mother. I still like her and consider her a friend even though it's been years since I've seen her.
These relationships are just a couple I have experienced. I have had more normal ones, well, normal to me, but all of them ended the same way; I moved on to another relationship. The longest and the best relationship I have had lasted six years and ended with her death, but that story is a story unto itself, so I won’t go into details. I brought it up because after Laura died I went back to my old patterns of dodging and running. I got emotionally tired of it all. When I started school I quit dating all together so I could focus on the studying.
During this time I let a friend of mine and her husband move in with me in my apartment. She was pregnant and I got to experience the whole thing up to and including the birth (well, I wasn't actually in the room but I was in there soon after). Birth is truly a miracle, but the real miracle is after the baby comes home. The mom and dad said they would try not to inconvenience me, but I told them I wanted to be part of it. I learned to change diapers, to feed, and to clean the baby. I played with that baby and I sang to that baby while rocking it to sleep. I not only loved that baby; I fell in love with the whole idea of having a baby around. This experience has changed my whole outlook on relationships. A wife and children are not life-sucking vampires. They are just the opposite. They are life-enhancing love monsters.
I learned to open my heart and recieve love, not to constanly cover and suppress my feelings. I was hiding all the time from the very things that enhance our lives. That little guy showed me what love was all about. That little guy showed me that it is better to open our hearts and maybe get wounded than to close off our hearts and suffocate what is really what we call living. Love Monster, indeed.
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Posted by Pauligan on 2007-11-29 07:21:26 | Rating: | Views: 137
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that sounds alot like me i used to do and think the same sorts of things
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Posted by layla07
on 2007-11-29 07:33:30
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I remember the feeling of such peace holding my kids..
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Posted by Wayne
on 2007-11-29 07:58:35
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i hope one day i am brave enough to have a child of my own
its fantastic that you have realised what you want
good luck
love to you xxxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-29 08:18:43
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Growing up isn't all that bad is it, layla?
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-29 08:19:47
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What a feeling, huh Wayne? It just doesn't get much better.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-29 08:20:59
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I think we, as human beings, need this kind of love, Marie. I never understood this line from a song I remember, "I need you more than want you and I want you for all time." I always thought, "Well how selfish." Now I understand. xx
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-29 08:25:23
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Great post Paul. Love strikes in the most unexpected ways and places doesn't it!?
I like the "love monster" thing and... what is that song? I know I know it but I cant remember it now. ggrrr lol
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2007-11-29 09:46:14
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Thanks Jim, That song is a song that I couldn't stand because of that one line. Evertime i heard it I would scream out, "What does that mean?". It is Witchita Lineman. Guess what you will be humming the rest of the day? haha
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-29 10:07:56
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Nice post Paul.
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Posted by Forgetmeknot
on 2007-11-29 19:09:22
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That was beautiful.
I did not think I could love you anymore than I already did...but my love meter for you just shot through the roof!
I love when men are all vulnerable and mushy.
It just makes my heart melt.
Too many men are so tough acting...they think that attracts a woman...just the opposite is true.
Why do you think Rock Stars who sing love ballads have so many women screaming for them with tears in their eyes?
Vulnerability makes you shine like a Star.
You Love Monster You.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-30 00:00:16
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Thank you, Danielle. I always like it when you pop in.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-30 06:13:40
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Maybe if I wore spandex while i wrote mushy stuff the women would be breaking down my door...mmmm...don't that leave a nice image in your head? Love you more, LftH.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-30 06:21:07
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I am picturing you in spandex right now.
Hmmmm.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-30 09:32:09
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gggrrrrr but thanks for reminding me of the song paul.
um you in spandex?? No comment my friend! :p lol
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2007-11-30 12:22:40
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You couldn't possibly want to see me in red spandex, LftH. You have a strong spirit but I don't think you could stand the shock.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-30 20:26:30
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So did you have that song in your head all day, Jim? It's best not to comment on the spandex.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-30 20:27:39
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