I need to write.  About my life, frustrations, thoughts...  So much has happened, I'm almost overwhelmed trying to find a place to begin.  It's a luxury to take time to write.  Well, here it goes...

Field research, classes, reports to funders, lab work and applications.  The workload itself is fairly hectic, but I love keeping busy.  I step back every so often and wonder at how my life has turned.  Coursework aside, I'm reveling in conservation research--not to mention that it's with big cats! 

I need to remind myself of all this.  After spending months in the jungle, I've had a tough time getting used to being back home.  I miss hiking twelve hours a day to the whoops of howler monkeys and cries of scarlet macaws...of driving down the Access Road each night, holding my breath around each turn in the hopes of seeing a jaguar.  And the elation when one springs across the road, fleeting yet suspended in a moment drawn broad.  I miss the strange humor of the Mayans and waking to a golden dawn after a night of electric storms.  I dream of fording flooded rivers and sleeping under stars netted by the forest canopy.  Political conflicts, parasites and injuries only strengthened my desire to work in the field, to study and protect what I can.  

And so I'm back home, taking courses, working in the lab and writing up my research.  And I feel out of place.  I fight the urge to criticize the materialistic values of my society...of the surface connections many make, not taking time to truly learn about the people with whom they work and live.  I acknowledge grains of truth to this, but also fight it.  Because there is so much here to love, and so much that works so well.  Creature comforts are easily available; transport is almost guaranteed; the bureaucratic process is nowhere near as corrupt as that in the field.  People get things done here far more quickly.  

I still miss the field, and find solace in knowing I'll dedicate my life to conservation.  I recognize that I don't belong to the cultures in which I work; that I am a true member of my own.  I know of field researchers who quickly abandon their culture for another's, holding their own in the greatest disdain.  That, I won't--I can't--do.  But I can't imagine life without field work, without living in and working with other cultures.  I love it; and that will never change.  I love the difficulties in everyday logistics--not because they're novel and exciting.  I love having to work at things rather than having immediate results.  I enjoy the process.  Sure, you end the day exhausted and frustrated.  But I won't give up those days for anything.
           

                                                        
1. Sittee River Branch,                            Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 2. Shadow        Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  3.  Maya Mountains
    Cockscomb Basin Wildlife Sanctuary                (scat detection dog)                         Belize , Central America
    Belize, Central America                            Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â CBWS