Thoughts.com Blogs - You Can't Be Serious!!

I've been pretty busy since my last entry. Slowly picking up the pieces and getting my life together.

About 6 years ago, my husband decided that we should join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - aka Mormons! Skeptical at first, I later decided that it was a good move for our family, since they REALLY stress family values and are a very involved group. We didn't always agree on their doctrine, but were baptised into the LDS Church and were active members. They do something which is basically baptism for the dead. They encourage genealogy and you can go to the large temples and actually be baptised for your ancestors and they have the choice to accept it or reject it in the afterlife. My husband told them they were all going to hell for this belief and pulled us out of the church.

Since we moved to Maine, we've had their missionaries come around several times. These are young men and women who dedicate two years to delivering the word of God throughout the world, and are great you people. After my husband left, my daughter and I decided to rejoin the church for the support they give, and it has been the best thing that's happened to us. We now go every Sunday, I'm involved in a Book Club and other activities, and members stop by or call frequently to see if I'm ok. This helps since I was feeling so alone up here in Maine with all of my family in New York.

As far as the romance department - yes, it's hard getting used to sleeping alone every night. My best friend's husband was stopping by occasionally to offer his "support", and we shared a few kisses, but I stopped it there. Flirting was great, but taking it to another level is just not me.

Last week I was outside waiting for my daughter's school bus, when up trots this short, pudgy guy in his fifties (I'm 41 but I am fond of older men!) who asks if my husband's around. I told him that he no longer lived here. He said he hadn't seen his car around and thought he'd stop by. Let me make it clear I have no interest in this guy whatsoever. A week ago I sent a not to my garbageman to put the account in my name because hubby was no longer in the household. Lo and behold, this guy who shows up, Frank, works for him!!! He asked me to dinner, to the movies, invited my daughter along, wanted to know if I'd come over to watch tv (turns out he's a neighbor, unfortunately) and wouldn't take a hint when I turned him down!! Then he mentions seeing my bedroom light on at all hours and thought I might be lonely and would want to come over after my daughter was in bed!! Great. So now I'm sneaking in and out of my house because so far he has come knocking at my door at least 4 times. Now he tells me that he got a satellite dish and has 500 channels because I told him that there wasn't any show on right now that I'm interested in!! Guess I need to be a little more direct, but I hate to hurt someone's feelings.

I also had another trashman at my door, knocking to see if I had anythig else to go that day!! This had NEVER, EVER happened! I'm lucky if I get them to take what's there!! Nice to know my trashguy has put out the word to all of his buddies that I'm alone here.

I've been focusing on getting myself back to work, and actually got the nerve to apply for a job and go for an interview last week. It's just such an intimidating thing for me. Self-esteem definitely pretty low here!
I should hear this week, and it's only 1 1/2 miles from home, right near my daughter's school - Perfect! I hate to get my hopes up, so tomorrow I'm forcing myself to send out some more.

My biggest decision this week may very well be whether to unpack all of these boxes around the house and settle back in, or continue to shift them around and stare at them. I originally thought I'd be moving back towards family and New York by Christmas, but I don't thing I can deal with that added stress right now. I also want to stand on my own two feet without them to lean on right now. I know I can do it. I just need to fight off the panic attacks of feeling so alone and exposed up here.

I need to learn to live without being part of a couple, to breathe on my own. I've had a boyfriend or husband practically every moment since puberty. Funny, I've always been faithful to my husbands, but when I'm single I've always REALLY been on the prowl, if you know what I mean! Hey, I love sex and I love men. There's nothing like seeing that gleam in someone's eye. But I'm reining myself in this time. Of course, I'm at my heaviest weight ever, so that's not saying much. Definitely don't get the looks I used to. But I could be a player and now I'm choosing not to be one, for once. I think. Ok, that one's a work in progress. Will keep everyone updated...