The worst moments for me, usually, have been right when I wake up. I am plagued with horrible, confusing dreams where I experience loss and pain and rejection and hatred. With dreams like that, it is really hard for me embrace the day and look towards it with openness and hope.

Today is not like that. I have woken up without negative assumptions, and without a negative glare on the world.

I think I may still be drunk. The reason I think that I am still drunk is that I am having trouble constructing my senetences in a grammatically coherent manner. Normally when I am sober, and I look at my sentences, I can see where there are errors and I can see where there is grammatical goodness. I can't usually tell if there are spelling errors. Hehe.

I got uber drunk last night, and apparently mixing vodka and rum isn't a good combination, because for the first time in TWO YEARS I puked. I still feel a little queesy, but luckily I think the puking is done for with me.

Something that drinking alcohol does to you is supress REM sleep (that is the one where you have dreams!) Perhaps I feel less horrible because I wasn't dreaming, and my days weren't sandwiched with tales from the crypt. Also, I feel less animosity towards people. I have been through a lot of shit in my life, and it makes me not trust people. Sometimes my friends will come to me and say that they feel like they trust people too much and they don't like it: such is a gift from God (if there is one.) I wish that I could trust people more easily. I am at least looking at it and trying to work on it.

Random aside: Girl Talk is amazing. The dude mixes up so many of the musical influences in my life in such a colorful, interesting way. Makes me happy, really does.

Two things I don't want to do:

1. Think that because I have gone through so much shit that I must be a distrustful, sad person throughout my life.

2. Drink to cope with #1 haha. But really...

I think I need to see a counselor. It would be nice to have someone bounce back ideas on me.