| View Blog
|
|
| I feel too guilty to have sex
|
|
|
This is the bottom line. Although I am NOT a christian anymore, I can't bring myself to have sex with someone. I think that if I do, then a guy will not have anything to do with me and not want me anymore. What is it going to be like when I get married then? I can't see this as changing. Or, I think that it will hurt me to have sex with someone- emotionally that is.
I really hate it. I want to have sex, really bad, and I could get on birth control. I am selective and go the the doctor regularly, so the risk of STD's isn't that bad. I hate how my parents brought me up. They told me that being sexual was bad, and only bad girls ever slept with guys before they got married. Well, of course they didn't know that I was sexually abused when I was four, and that I started feeling sexual feelings as early as kindergarden. How could they? So here I was, this prematurely- sexualized kid who was told that everything about what I was was wrong and dirty.
And here I am now, not able to get past that. I would love to sleep with someone, but it is just so taboo. And in this way, my parents still control what I do. I feel like everything I do has to hold up to scrutiny; if anyone ever followed me around and reported back to god or my parents or anyone, they would report that I am sweet, well mannered, kind, clever, and very even tempered, always positive, well dressed, intelligent, and although sometimes self-conscious, pretty perfect.
I'm not perfect. I am extremely weird, I have a dark sense of humor, I am a slob at home, I wash my hair literally once or twice a week (no one knows- of course). If no one is around I eat with my hands even though I serve at a fancy shmancy restaurant where the silver must be facing a certain direction and food must be served from a certain side.
It's like I let there be two sides of me, one I enjoy only by myself and one I can enjoy with other people- in fact I think people get different levels of me all the time. I really pride myself on being honest or silent, so I don't act fake or anything, but I will be a way that is entertaining to you and only a part of me. There are only a few people who I can be myself around entirely and who enjoy it.
So, convo that is really positive with TA:
I think you are a very good balance between being aggressive and nurturing, you take a stance on what you believe and you will defend it but at the same time you are understanding of other views
thanks! yah, i think that may be true
i feel like i need to be a certain level of aggressive, to be honest with myself and others
3:12pm
and thats true but you do it in a manner that is not offensive
3:13pmS
cool, i really try not to be
3:13pmA
so you come across as self assured and not a bitch
It is nice to hear feedback from people ^_^
But yah, i need to get over this sex thing! >.
|
|
Posted by Omphalos on 2008-06-27 15:28:50 | Rating: | Views: 101
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
I have to agree with NotHimAgain. Pray that God will bring you the right man and that you will know without a shadow of a doubt that he's for you. I've been doing this for a couple of weeks and just recently met a man. I'm not 100% positive that he's "the one", but it seems every time I say that prayer to God, the man texts me or something. It's kind of freaky. :)
On a side note, I'm beginning to wonder if Mr. NotHimAgain is some sort of messenger...since he has no blog entries of his own ;)
|
|
Posted by MANOUVELLEVIE
on 2008-06-30 11:54:53
|
|
|
|
Yah, being jaded is something I want to avoid. Standing back and waiting is a good idea that I will try to embody.
Something I realized recently is that I don't want to be involved in shallow relationships, and absent of those it doesn't seem like such an issue whether I sleep with someone or not. I am not in the position to sleep with anyone, and I am not in the position to be in a deep relationship with someone either. Perhaps I won't start dating till I am ready to get married, because I can't handle being in these short commitments anymore. They are immature, and they hurt me in the end.
It's like believing in the persistence of a dream- not the dream you have to do something great, but the dream you had last night where you were flying and had your own motorcycle. It just doesn't exist.
Thanks for you thoughts! Very much appreciated :)
|
|
Posted by Omphalos
on 2008-07-04 10:09:20
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
