Well, this is my first entry into this. Lately, I've had a lot on my mind to think about. I've had school to get everything ready for, things at work to sort out, some things to decide for what kind of person i want to be, and, most of all, some relationship problems. I have liked one if my best friends for quite a few many years. Long enough for a sane person to ask themselves at one time or another, why they were wasting those years upon something that would be fruitless. But there i was. I say was because, im not quite sure what my feelings are towards him anymore....they are...mixed. He is a character not be forgotten. He is an enigma. Someone i've tried for years to figure out, but everytime i think i have some of the puzzle pieced together, they only lead to more and more questions that have no answers. He is a very closed off person. I was able to get the barest of glimpses into his person a few years ago, but that was all I could get. I guess, after I got closed out, i sort of gave up. came to truths with it. Then after he graduated, he went off to the Marines, and that was that. I joined our schools Marching Band Color Guard team. That gave me an excuse to forget about him, to focus on just that and school. I became more involved in some of my other clubs, like finally getting the President position of our Multi-cultural Club. After a while, i did forget him. Until he unexpectedly showed up at one of my practices.  I was floored, to say the least.  And when you are twirling around a 6 foot pole with a flag on one end, and you loose your concentration, things tend to not go so well. I went home with a bruise that day from where the pole hit me in the leg. What a day that was.  But he is back now, and going to a college that's nearby, and I've found some feelings that i had locked away, returning. Now I am at a loss of what to do. He has made it blatantly clear that he has no interest in a relationship, and that bothered me for a while. For the past few months, i have managed to store that in the back of my mind, viewing him only as a person that i just talked to, like a regular friend. Except,  those thoughts in the back of my head are nagging me. He came over yesterday to hang out. I like it when he does. It reminds me of old times. Times that will never happen again. Anyway, i gave him a folder full of stuff that i had collected from him. Certain emails, conversations, stuff like that. I gave it to him thinking that once i did, i could barricade myself from him. Not give myself the chance to possibly get as close to him as i was and figure this enigma of a man out. End all ties with him. I would, after all, be leaving in a few months for the joys of college life in Rhode Island. But now im not so sure about distancing myself from him. He has helped me through great many a thing in the time I've known him. I guess I feel that i need that secure feeling that i always got with him for just a while longer. And then i might feel strong enough to do what i had originally planned.

One of my favorite songs say that you have to be cruel to be kind. the person in the song uses that mentality to try to get something across to another.... that they care for that person, and that is the reason that they are doing this, is to help prevent them from getting hurt. I guess in my own way, i think i am doing the very same thing. But, i am doing it for myself. I want to prevent myself from getting hurt.

But I have to wonder....how long is this going to hold out?

Ja ne.


"Cruel to be Kind" by Letters to Cleo