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Here I am, spilling my life out into the world with online garble. I have pondered writing a book about the last year of my life; but after heavy consideration I am left to wonder who would read such painful and redundant semi-psychotic information. lol
I am thirty one now. I look back and see three failed marriages, thats right folks, three. I also see a mother who has totally taken herself out of my life in the name of "God". I have lost my children in my divorce, as I could not afford a lawyer and as embarassing as it sounds or IS, I have Bipolar disorder.
I feel screwed. Thats that. Totally screwed. To make things even MORE dramatic, what have I done?... I accepted a proposal from a man who is controlling and cocky. Ha! Talk about looking like a desperate woman. I suppose I am somewhat desperate. I mean, who else and why else would someone take crap from another man after all I have been through? I honestly think it is my desire to have a family again.
I want my family back. At night I think about them. I wonder if my mother misses me half as much as I do her. They didnt even send me a flipping b-day card. I miss my little girl, and my son. Will they ever understand why I am not active in their lives? Hell, I dont understand alot of things....
So I decided to blog. Throw it out there and see if anyone has ever felt this way... alone, scared, insecure, and broke.
The whole kick of it is... I am a fairly attractive woman, with a job and some education. You wouldnt even think all of this junk is running through my busy little mind.. but it is. Never judge a book by its cover, eh?
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Honey i feel your pain. I am a mom of three. My oldest son is from another relationship, and I have recently lost him. I have no custody what-so-ever. I get to see him on saturdays for two hours while his father watches us. And its not because of anything I did. I am with a man that has been abusive in the past. And because of that, my sons father doesnt want him to come to my house without supervision. And because I am also BROKE I cannot afford a lawyer, so his jacka** of an attorney wipes the floor with me everytime. I lay in bed at night and wonder if Ben thinks of me, and if he wants to come home and be with his mom and brother and sister. And he can if my boyfriend would take an anger management class. But everytime we bring it up it starts a war. He doesnt think he has to, and gets defensive. Do i chose my son and leave him, or do i think of my other two children i have with this man and try and make a family out of what is left?
I don't know if any of this helps you, but i feel like i am at the bottom of the barrel and nothing could get worse. Maybe I could just be a friend to someone who feels the same way. But believe me i do feel the same way, nothing left to lose.
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Posted by Mom0v3
on 2007-11-15 22:39:28
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Trust me you are not alone. Everybody has their days of feeling alone, scared, insecure, and broke. I'm suffering from all of it as I'm writing this. I see all my friends either coupled up, engaged, expecting a baby, and all those feelings come over me worse then a flood. The thing is I don't feed into them. I fight them everyday. I know I'm broke, but I also know that money will come eventually, I know I'm alone, scared, and insecure, but I know I don't want to make a hastey design and try and fill that gap with false love and having sex before I'm ready. I'm telling you to hang in there and everyting will be okay.
♥ Camille
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Posted by Stickyicky
on 2007-11-15 22:42:35
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| Views: 113
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