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| Gifts.... |
I have to firstly say that I am not a bible -beater... a religious guru, or a theologian to any degree. However, I have taken a few weeks in my life to ponder what has been happening to me, the people involved, and what I can do about it all.
After much consideration, I decided it was time to "give it to God". I am not perfect. I am a recoved cocaine addict who is 31 years old. I have had three failed marriages and have had my car recently repo'd. I have no money to my name and have two children with whom I can not see that often as they live in different states.
I have tattoos, I smoke cigarettes (quit pot), and I listen to all kinds of music. Oh did I forget to mention that I was a stripper until a few months ago?
Right now you are either in some way identifying with me, or you are saying to yourself, "this girls a kook and I am gonna block her". Either is okay. But listen to your heart before you go any further.
I make a mess out of everything.. lol When I left my husband (number 3), I also lost all of my family. My Mother, Father, sister and so on... they all refused to speak to me. Even went so far as to change their phone numbers. I have to tell you that you feel your heart ache when you have to go to the hospital or doctor and can't list your next of kin as an emergency contact because they don't allow you to have their whereabouts or phone number.
But anyways, I messed it all up. I DID. Not God; ME. GOD allowed me to do it.. but he never let me out of His sight. Not once. Even when I would use uncontrollable amounts of cocaine and mix it with prescription drugs, He never let me die. He watched me crying alone at night, He watched me contemplate ending my life. But He never let me go all the way. Finally, I had a friend from college reach out a hand to me. I called her and she just heard the pain in my voice. She asked me one question and that did it all. "Do You Feel Trapped?"
I broke down. I lost it. YES! I felt trapped! YES! I felt alone! Dammit! I was about to kill myself I was so upset! I made this mess and I am stuck in it! Trapped isnt the word... or MAYBE IT IS!
I went "home" (to where I went to college) and saw her... spent the long drive down there just talking to God out loud and trying to make sense of all of it. I was angry. Angry at my Mother for turning against me. Angry at my Father for going along with her. If these people LOVED me so much why didnt they care??? Why did my ex keep my baby girl away from me? Why was my son now a stranger to me as well? WHY?!?
But I told God all of this.. (like He didnt know, right?) and I told Him one other KEY thing: I DIDNT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
And just like Job in the bible..God spoke back. He told me to go see my father who lived in the same town. Now again I tell you that I am drug free. lol I did not hear some Booming voice from the sky... but I heard it in my heart. A consistent pulling.. "go see your father. go see him." I was stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 for about 2 hours. This was like MONSTER stuck. lol But it gave me time to rehearse what I would say to my father when he opened the door and before I figured he would slam it cold in my face. I again talked to God aloud, asking Him to tell me what to say, asking Him to lead me where I should go. (By the way, I found out later that all of this talking to God I have been doing was in-fact prayer.) Praying is not an art form with which I was all too familiar with...
But I was praying by talking to God aloud in my car on I-95. The answer struck my heart about an hour into that traffic jam. "Just tell him you love him". BAM! AMAZING! lol Nothing is that easy! You don't know my dad... he is not a really "simple answer" kind of Dad. But the answer came clear and solid to my soul, "Just tell him you love him".
I finally made it out of that traffic jam and was detoured through the middle of Nowheresville and WheretheheckamI-Land. I made it to my destination, but was about 2-3 hours late. Surely, my dad would not appreciate the visit at such a late hour and from me and all I had in my bag of tricks was "Dad, I love you." Wow. That would knock him dead, huh? But still I went. And I have to tell you that I thank God for His divine leadership, and also the good people at the pharmacy who fill my Xanax prescription, because I did take my PRESCRIBED dose before arriving at my Dad's home that late Sunday night. I stood on a dark porch in the cold November weather and trembled from fear more than cold when I knocked lightly. I heard his little yippie dogs barking. Then I rang the bell. I heard him coming to the door. The glass "screen" door separated us, so I wasnt right in his face. But he opened the door and tears fell down my face as I saw him for the first time in a year. Hot tears burned trails down my cheeks as I opened my mouth and said what I was supposed to say, "I Love You, Daddy."
He opened the glass door and told me to come in, then he hugged me like no other time I can recall in my life. We must have stood there for 10 -15 minutes just crying and hugging.
There is more to this story.. because as I looked around the house, it was nearly bare. It was obvious that my Mother was no longer there. I am going to save that part of the story for another blog. But in writing this one I have realized something. I started writing this just to tell people of the gifts I had received by learning to forgive this Christmas. But I was taken in a different direction and now see that maybe this was meant to be a reminder of how easy it is to go back to God. We make it complicated. We even sit in "traffic jams" in our lives. Shouting at Him to answer us! We feel hurt, betrayed, alone. We even feel just plain trapped. But if we WANT to see our Father. If we truly feel that we can't do this alone. All we have to do is go to the door of our hearts and ring the bell. He will answer it. Just say I Love You Dad.
He will take you into His embrace. Only His embrace will not end. When I went back to see my friend from college, I went to escape a life I had created for myself. I ended up facing more than that. I ended up seeing my God work in my life again. He had been working all this time, but I never chose to see it. I see it now.
If you are in pain. If you are alone, poor, scared, addicted, living some crazy life... thats all ok. Just go to Him and say I love you. Then LISTEN. HE WILL SPEAK TO YOU. Listen to your heart.
I will write more soon. God Bless you all. Happy New Year.
~Kaye~
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