Anyone heard of them rumors that people in Guangzhou would be eating monkey-brain? Whether it was true or not, Brother Ge was the right person to ask and potentially find out more about it. So, well yes, it's true, some people in Guangzhou do have the habit of eating monkey brain, although it's relatively rare. And the thing is - believe me - even if eating monkey brain would have been an urban myth before - some Cantonese triads would have picked up this habit by now as some kind of esoteric ritual - there is no question about it. 

 

1. Get a monkey from the black-market.

2. Beat the monkey a few times and force him to drink rice-wine.

3. Once the monkey is drunk prepare some hot oil, pickled ginger, and chop up a handful of fresh coriander.

4. Make a hole in the middle of a table and tie the monkey under it, so that our poor fellows head will come up through the hole and be on the surface of the table.

5. Get a sharp knife and cut with precise skills the head of the monkey so that the skull will be removed. At this point the brain should be visible and the monkey still alive. If the monkey would die at this point, or become unconscious, the Chef has not done a proper job.

6. At this point the monkey will be jumping hysterically so make sure you have tied him up properly. If the monkey is acting too noisily give him a good beating. Pour the hot oil on the brains of the monkey.

7. Enjoy the monkey-brain with pickled ginger, fresh chopped coriander, a bottle of 10-year old rice-wine in a good company. Monkey-brain is good for curing bacterial diseases.

     While telling this recipe Brother Ge performed as the monkey jumping under the table trying to get loose -"Hou-hou-hou". This is how he referred to the poor monkey trying to break loose before being cut up. Then this Chinese gangster laugh upon it "Rah-hah-rah-hah-haa". In China laughter usually reveals socioeconomic status or other related social positions. Usually the more powerful the person is, the more authority there is in the laughter too. Well, that probably applies more or less globally too.
                  
 

       Those days are behind now when I can be a picky Westerner and choosing not to eat some Chinese food, and only selecting some of it - say choosing the ribs but not eating the stomach. These days Im morally obliged to eat everything between sheep-eyes to pig intestines. The infamous chicken feet, really, they are a delicacy compared to some of the other stuff available. Im saying morally obliged as things simply are so, that no Chinese would have the nerves to only select the better food and clearly avoiding to eat something offered - that would be way too arrogant. So why should a Westerner get away with it? Indeed if you come here for a week or two, just be picky, you will not get the scene anyway.

       
       Recently I have figured out two practical ways how to deal with the pig intestines for example. The first way is something that could be called practical Buddhism, the second method is strong - preferably Sichuan - chili-sauce. In Buddhism theres no "I" and a thought like "I don't like" is an illusion as there exists no "I" that "don't like". Simple, eh? So a thought like "I don't like pig intestines" cannot occur. Upon that you dip the intestines in a strong chili-sauce which overtakes all the delicate flavor and makes your mouth so numb that you hardly realize whether you are chewing or not - the practical function of the chili-sauce to serve as an anesthetic. The chili-sauce in Guangzhou is not as spicy as the chili is in the South-Western parts of China - where a local friend describes a good chilli-sauce as "something you fight with" - but a triple dose of the local chili-sauce can more or less bring out the same effect as a single dose of the Sichuan one. 

      A few years ago on a trip to Chuxiong - the Yi-peoples city so to say - a Chinese friend of mine asked me to go with him to the local hospital. Didn't get the idea first but we were waiting for someone outside the hospital. After an hour or so a nurse comes out with a plastic bag and hands it to us. By then I could spot some body part or something similar inside the plastic bag - well at least there was blood in the bag. I asked my friend sarcastically if he is going to eat human or what the stuff was all about. The reply was positive - he had ordered a placenta from the hospital. Someone had just given birth and this was a common way the placenta was being taken care of. It is not easy to get hold on a placenta - especially without the right guanxi - but if you do, you have succeeded in getting your hands on one of the more rare local delicacies. According to Chinese gastronomy eating placenta has plenty of health benefits.

 

1. Chop some onion and cut up some 200grams of pork-meat in tiny slices. Mix it and put it in a ginger marinade.
2. Boil 2 liters of water and place the placenta in a strainer above the boiling water and let it steam there.
3. Once completely cooked remove the placenta from the strainer.
4. Do not throw away the water. Use the blood and mucus that has poured out from the placenta. Make a delicious placenta-soup of it. Add some spring-onion, salt and MSG-powder in the soup.
5. Cut the freshly cooked placenta in small pieces and fry it with the onion and the marinated pork meat. Add some salt, chili and MSG.
6. Enjoy the placenta-soup as a starter, move over to the delicious fried placenta, sip it down with a bowl of farmer-rice and a cup of paojiu-wine.

        The story goes that placenta is many times eaten without people knowing it. Supposedly the household that has invited guests for dinner don't always tell their guests that they actually are eating placenta. This is according to the tradition - the precious ingredients are not necessarily revealed until the dinner is finnished. This happened to a friend of mine, he was invited for dinner and not told he was eating placenta. Apparently he had enjoyed the dinner, and not until the dinner was finnished it was revealed that there had been placenta in the food.

       Things are relative, if you think chicken-feet are don't apeal to your appetite, then eat a few bowls of pig brain, blood-dofu and cows testicles. Usually after that the chicken feet are actually not that bad. Some things are psychological too. The rotten dofu is good, its just the word "rotten" that scares some people away. We dont call blue-cheese "rotten-cheese" usually, inedeed a better name for the "rotten dofu" should be invented. The jelly is good - at least eatable - anyone who complains its slimy or whatever is just being picky. Jellyfish is another story but the jellyfish is easily swallowed down with a glass of rice-wine. And the doujiang is a great drink. This is the produce you get once you make dofu - namely beancurd. During the process of making dofu you get this bean-juice. This is usually mixed with sugar - sometimes salt - and made into a drink. Its a good drink and its healthy too. Its true values come out when enjoyed hand-warm in hangover. Anyone who thinks doujiang ain't good is wrong, simple as that. 

 

       So what does dog taste like, how and why is it eaten? First of all, only recently the Chinese have started developing emotions to different breeds of dogs. The puppy-business is a good business too. Last week a rare breed of the Tibetan Mastiff was sold for 15 million Chinese Yuan. The story was on the front-page of most the local Yunnan newspapers. Despite this recent affection, the attitude towards dogs can also change rapidly. Two years ago Yunnan made it to the international news scene by slaughtering all the dogs in the province. Usually it's about earthquakes when Yunnan makes it to the international scene, but this time it was about the dogs. 

      The daughter of some government official had died of rabies after being bitten by a dog - so all the dogs of Yunnan got their revenge - every single dog was going to be killed. The story has a significant resemblance to another similar story, when a Beijing officials daughter lost all her money in the notorious gambling city at the Burmese side of the Yunnan border, thus the People's Liberation Army raided this Burmese city and closed down all the casinos. Today it is a ghost-town. Anyway two years ago there were death-squads in every corner bringing all the dogs out of their holes. Once the dogs were found they were beaten to death by bats. Some people tried to hide their dogs, but the local death-squads used fake dog barking from loudspeakers as successful means to catch the hidden dogs. So loudspeakers were screaming on the streets of Yunnan and as soon as there was a reply to the barking the death-squads went to pick up the dogs and gave them a good beating. A friend of ours had a special breed of some Chinese dog worth over 100.000 Yuan - obviously he tried to hide it - he drove all the way to the countryside to hide it - however it was not a successful trip, the dog was found and beaten to death.

      Beating the dog is a common way of killing it. This is also the way the dog is killed which will be prepared for food. According to the Chinese gastronomy the beating makes the meat more tender - as the dog releases plenty of adrenaline while in shock. Moreover the dog also empties its bowel, stool and urine while being terrified and in pain by the beating. A good beating should last for several minutes, sometimes even half an hour before the dog is dead. Supposedly the dog screams are worse than the pigs. Once I've seen something resembling  a Golden Retriever waiting to be grilled down at Jianshui, that's the closest I've stumbled upon on the dog slaughtering scene. According to Chinese gastronomy and philosophy the dog meat is "热" - which is hot. Hence dog is normally being eaten during the winter. Dog-meat is normally mixed with peppermint leaves which on the other had are cold ingredients, thus to stabilize the energy of the dish. This is the Yin & Yang philosophy so to say.

      Personally I have eaten dog three times. There are these situations - even if you insist you rather not eat dog - it doesn't help. Same applies to the rice-wine in particular. The first time I ate dog it was served as barbequed dog-ribs. They were not bad indeed, maybe they could be described as something that resembles a taste between chicken and pork or similar. The meat was tender too - and as mentioned perviously - probably not only because of the meat tenderizers. The second and third time I had dog it was served in a clay-hotpot. This is the way to eat dog in some areas of the Guangxi and Guizhou Provinces. Not too bad indeed, however voluntarily I try to stay away from eating dog meat - mainly because of the brutal way the dog is being killed by - even if its a very cold winter. Sichuan hotpot, rice-wine and a Chinese sauna will cure the cold once it gets to the bones. There's other food in the Yin & Yang philosophy that is "hot" too, dog-meat is not that necessary, or is it?