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It was one of those nights that I could not sleep.
I've spent the night tossing and turning dealing with the rush of worries that my mind kept hitting me with. To say that I'm worried is saying so little.
Everything came at me and I mean everything..
I can spend hours going into every little thing I've worried about, which I do not have and I'm too damn tired to stay awake, or I can list them and just move on. I like the last one cause most of these don't deserve a blog of their own and others have already taken more than I rather write about and I hate beating a dead horse.
So here is the list of things I worried about and kept me awake in silent terror as I somehow comprehended that I was responsible for all of it in some sick and twisted way.
1. I realized that I was 21 and I blinked and I'm already in my 30's. What if I blink again and wind up in my 40's with nothing tangible to show for my time. How much time do I have? What if I have nothing to show for it?
2. All the women I have love are not in my life. All the women I lusted hate me. There are women who I'm trying to remain neutral who want to be either group A or B. There has to be a middle ground without me making the compromise of remaining alone or being in a relationship that is meaningless to me.
3. I've lost control over everything around me. I've gained control over everything not related to my personal life. Why can I fix other and yet remain in so many pieces? Why is it I have to fix others when in truth the one thing I need is someone to help me with the mess I call my existence.
4. I really hate orangutans. I mean really hate them. If there is anything I hate just to hate it would have to be orangutans. I feel bad about it and I know that it's cruel, but I hate them so much. If the last two were in shooting range I'd get rid of them and burn the remains.
5. I realized that the chances of me getting old gracefully is impossible. I'm going to suffer form something that will either make me forget or will destroy my cognitive faculties in slow painful measures. That scares me.
6. If I had to choose a way of killing myself, in the case of going in my terms or let my mind slip away, I would have to choose dying in a fight. Hemingway is awesome, but fuck that blowing my brains out. I'm going to walk into a Skinhead bar and tongue kiss the first fuck and call him "puddin". That should provide us with enough entertainment. As for the bomb that will blow when my pulse stops, what are surprises for?
7. The next 3 weeks are going to be hell. I can't explain why or how come. They are just going to be.
8. I haven't seen my children for a year now. I miss them more each and every day. Odd, I can't believe it's a year now. I have to make sure that two does not come. I have to see them.
9. I hate not being in control. I honestly hate not being in control. It's not even out of distance, but inches away. It's torturous having things so near and yet so far.
10. I find myself having escape fantasies. I dream of planning my escape for everything and everyone around me. I think of the pro and cons of faking my death and relocating. I'm between going granola in South America or living my remaining existence as a Moroccan Bedouin.
11. I should have had the soup. The salad was wilted and the dressing flavorless.
12. How much more Karma must I repay before I can have things go my way? Was everything I done really that bad? Yeah, it was.
13. Sobriety sucks. It just does for me. I'm not condoning the destruction of other people's internal organs, but as for mine they deserve to be pickled.
14. Why is it people offer me help with the little shit that does not matter and run from the elephant in the room? And why is it wearing my pjs?
15. I've gotten many compliments over the wedding photos and how nicely I clean up, but I can not stand looking at myself. I know that's not sane. Then again who ever said that I was sane?
16. I'm avoiding something. I'm always going to avoid it. I'm avoiding it because I have no idea what to do at this point. Instead of killing myself and wondering what to do I'm just going to avoid it.
17. I still miss her. Each and every thing I do just lets me know that I miss her. Then again, I hate myself in love cause I would sooner take a wrench to the temporal plate than to lose all logic and just think of her. I rather just sigh time to time and know that I miss her so much than to lose myself in the illogical thought process of love. Why does love have to be so.....stupid?
18. I should pay back my library fines. I used to enjoy going to them before I got married to a woman who the librarian union would place a bounty on.
19. What problems will be left to the next generation? Is there anything I can do so that my children's generation won't suffer from the stupidity of my father's generation?
I have more, but my eyes just hurt at this point. I'm going to try to sleep cause I know if insomnia gets hold of me I will be giving all this crap more thought than normal.
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Posted by NoMind on 2008-09-17 01:59:18 | Rating: | Views: 54
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I have a feeling that this blog is your sanctuary.....I have started to feel that I'm intruding.....Seems to me that I am one of the very few that can read this. How odd...almost no one bother to comment or read.
I will start to read the other entries, maybe tomorrow... just hopefully, you will not dissapear.
I hope you've found some peace of mind and had a decent sleep tonight.
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Posted by Gwatlan
on 2008-09-17 04:21:24
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