It was when i couldn't bear to be alone with my own thoughts for longer than 5 minutes i decided i needed to release things on paper. It had always had great effect before and helped me through issues and situations i never thought my mind would cope with.
The only thing with writing down your thoughts and feelings is if anyone happens to come across them they become concerned, losing all sight that the same thoughts and notions have gone through their own mind at one time or another.

My head currently feels like a swelling ballon approaching it's limit. Writing things down is like a slow release of air needed to allow it not to burst. My recent tears would fill a river, twice over, but my tear ducts are sore and i need a new less needy and pathetic way of coping, less visible to the prying eye.

I lay in bed 2 nights ago praying to be so tired my mind would blank. Instead it raced with issues and dilemmas mostly beyond my control, but put in my path to burden me and assess my management skills. Assessment failed - I'm not managing!!

Nobody seems to undestand why it' so hard for my to admit defeat.To sit back and admit it's beyond me and that i am a failure. The person i have lways portrayed myself to be would stand up and fight for what's right at any cost but it would appear the real me is a gutless coward only worthy of running scared! I have always seen myself as a survivor, yet i'm being proven wrong and taking the easy option seems more appealing and a safer bet but i loathe myself for it!

I can't even face my own reflection in the mirror. I detest what stares back at me both visually and what has been revealed to be deeper inside. some days i dread stepping foot into the outside world and on many occasions can only manage because i go into automatic pilot - same shit different day!

Every minor dig or insult i recieve i can't seem to shake off anymore. They leave deep irrepairable scars that are gradually becoming visible to everyone, grotesque and ugly.
I detest myself for being a cowardly failure and have tried hard to lift myself back up, attempting to be the survivor i once thought i was but it never seems to be long before i'm knocked down flat again and my eyes flood with tears that i try my best to hide.

When i lie crying my mind even argues with itself, it doesn't seem to be able to agree on the purpose of my tears. They are without a doubt a release far better than any violent or abusive outburst but they are shameful and pathetic, and should therefore be hidden. However if i hide my sorrow who will know to help me?

I am afraid to ask for help. Mostly because i struggle to word my thoughts and feelings, also because i feel like telling someone what a failure i am will make it more real.
I also fear that people will fail to understand. That they will see me as unable to cope with minor difficulties put in my path that i am sure others suffer and get on with, therefore reinforcing my opinion of myself as a hopeless mess.

I also fear rejection. Rejection is something i have great experience of and choose not to tempt fate into serving me more. I feel i have had very little happiness during my life. Many times i've been content but more times i remember crying myself to sleep and feeling down about one thing or another. Is that my fault? Am i chosing the wrong options? Am i wallowing in self pity therefore refusing myself happiness, taking more pleasure in being glum?
The worst thing is, i know that i have experienced being ecstatically happyand have seeked it ever since, feeling so much worse when life doesn't live up to it and being afraid i may never experience it again. i know that 90% of the timeit is entirely my fault i am not happy due to my actions and yet i can not seem to break out of the vicious cycle!!