Thoughts.com Blogs - Sometimes I wonder...

As I briefly mentioned in my previous post, I have been dating my boyfriend, who is a drug addict, for the last six years on and off. Sometimes I wonder how someone like me ended up with someone like him. I'm a nice, intelligent, and beautiful girl who comes from a wonderful family. My parents are still married and I was raised in a middle-class home with good values. My parents always wanted/expected the best for me and tried to provide me with every opportunity they never had. Now look, I'm living with a drug addict...WOW. Seriously, I didn't know he was an addict when I met him or else I would have ran far and fast. We met through mutual friends when we were like 18. At first I couldn't stand him and I thought he was the biggest idiot (funny, isn't that how the story always goes). But the more I got to know him, the more I started to see his good qualities. By the time I was 20 I had fallen madly in love somehow. At that age I wasn't thinking about my future...all I cared about was that J (my boyfriend) looked good and that we had fun together. Boy how I wish I knew then the things that I certainly know now. As time went on I began to see how deeply addiction runs in his family and affects him. I've never had to deal with addiction and I've never been into drugs myself. Yes, I've partied here and there and done some experimenting, but that's about it. Six years later I feel like a freakin' expert in the field. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because addiction truly is evil!!! I know because I live with it and witness it everyday. I see firsthand what it has done to the man that I love and it saddens me. He really is an amazing person. He's charismatic and funny and I swear he can walk into a room full of strangers and come out as everyone's new best friend. He's such a charmer and a people person with the most amazing personality. Well he's all of those things when he's not all messed up on prescription pain pills. I can see all the things in him that he can't see and refuses to see. He had a tumultuous childhood and didn't grow up in the best environment. His dad died of a drug overdose and his mom is still an addict to this day. He has really never had anyone to motivate him or push him to be better. I guess that's why I've stuck by his side for so long. A part of me feels like I'm the only one who really has his best interest at heart and really, truly cares about him. I've stuck by him through the drug use, the lies, the partying, the cheating, and most recently the stealinig. I've seen him overdose and go through severe withdrawals and yet I continue to stay. I'll admit it...I'm an enabler and I know I should just put my foot down and stop, but it's extremely hard. I let him live with me while he has no job and no car (although he is looking for work) because I don't know what would happen to him if I didn't. I love him with all my heart and I just want him to get better. He's broken my heart a thousand times, but I just can't walk away. He makes my life a crazy mess and sometimes I wonder how much stress and pain I will have to endure???