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Pile of dirt.

So my new years night was depressing.
During the count-down Josh decided to use the bathroom.
And he gets out right as they’re like, “2…1!!!!” and doesn’t kiss me but decides to go and try to talk to someone else.
Made me sad.
And then, we get home, and he decides to talk about so many depressing things.
First he talks about death and we have a conversation about what we think happens after we die and all that. Which then makes me sad because it makes me miss Ryan.

THEN he talks about his mom and dad. And how his dad is in jail because of what he did to his mom, which included a lot of blood and bruises. Which THAT makes me sad because if reminded me of all the crap Patrick did to me and everything he’s getting away with.
Then he proceeds to ask me how many people I’ve dated. Which I tell him. And then asks how many people I’ve…”done it” with. Which I tell him.

And he says, “Has that number gone up since I was gone?” and I say it hasn’t.
And so he tells me that it’s pointless for me to answer because he’s completely convinced that I’ve cheated while he’s gone.
I try and back myself up saying that if I did he’d know because someone would’ve told him. like..”Hey…your girlfriend did this.”
But then he’s like…. “They wouldn’t tell me that!” and just tells me how his friends aren’t like that and blah blah blah.

So there’s no way of proving to him how good of a girlfriend I’ve been. Which made me depressed.
Why ask me if I’ve cheated when the answer’s not going to satisfy you either way?

Which made me more depressed.

There’s that theory.. that people who kill themselves go to hell…
because it’s considered a selfish act.
But what if the person who kills themselves is doing it in a completely un-selfish way?
What if they’re totally convinced that by killing themselves…they make someone else’s life better?

I asked Josh that. He asked how I could believe in a heaven or hell when I say I don’t have a religion or believe in anything like god.

I said I don’t know…but I just want to know where someone like that would go.

He thought I was talking about killing myself… but I was talking about Ryan.
So he started talking about how there’s no heaven or hell and Ryan’s just a pile of dirt.

…..it made me cry.

And it really depressed me.
And I honestly can’t get any of that night out of my head.
He’s completely convinced I cheated. And doesn’t care about life or what happens afterwards.
“As long as I die happy.”

If we just turn into a pile of dirt…and rot into the ground.
Where do our memories go? What happens to our mind?

What the hell is the point of living if EVERYTHING’s going to be lost anyway?

All I want to know is where Ryan is. And the thought of him not being anywhere and just being completely gone…. makes me cry.