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...about to get shot in the head.

Ok, so in past entries, I've talked about how my boyfriend is leaving town.
And he did.
It sucks. I totally believed he would stay.
And what sucks more is that he constantly tells me how much he misses me
and how much where he is sucks.
But refuses to come back to this place.
This town is apparently, "Hell".

...I would live in "hell" to be with someone I love.
I don't get why he couldn't stay for me
and his friends.
All his friends want him to come home.

What breaks my heart more
is that he's going crazy down there.
Or atleast he was. I think he's getting better now.
But it was really bad to where he'd end up taking a crapload of his moms xanax
and constantly talk about how life sucks,
how nothing's worth it...
how he wants to die.
And it was really depressing.

No matter how hard I tried to get him to feel better
that Xanax made him such a dick.
I'd say, "Well, be excited for december. :)"
because I'm going to see him in December.
And he just said, "Yeah... that's the only thing in my life to look forward too."
and was just so down about it.
So I asked him what he wanted for christmas.
and he just straight up said, "I don't celebrate that shit."
and then tore down my whole perspective on christmas and just ruined my exitement for the holiday.

And then my mom brought up, that if we ever end up having a future...
..that getting married is involved..
I'm not going to be able to celebrate holidays, or birthdays or anything.
He doesn't even celebrate birthdays.
And it made me depressed.
Because if I try to celebrate holidays,
to some people, that gives off the hint that I don't give a crap about his religion.
But I do.
It's just.. I like holidays.

what if we end up having kids?
Will they grow up and never get a birthday party?
Or a christmas morning?
That makes me sad... depressed..

So after killing all my happiness about christmas.
I tell him that maybe he should spend his time drawing.
that's usually fun. And it'll get him better at it, the more he does it.
So the first thing he does, is draws a guy about to get shot in the head.

I can honestly say that I've cried every night this past week...
..because there's nothing I can do to help my boy.
I miss him so much and I wish he'd just come home.
I wish he'd stop taking xanax too.
It turns him into such a dick.

The last time I asked him if he was on it.. went like this,

"are you taking your moms pills again?"
"what the hell!?"
"..nevermind.."
"That's what I thought."

Jesus.
agh

I'm so frustrated with all this.
If he's not on those pills, he constantly talks about how sad he is...
drops hints that he'd rather be dead
and that there's no hope in life.

And it totally ruins my whole day.
I used to think that way.
And it sucks to feel better
but then out of nowhere
have the person who makes you feel better
putting that crap back in your head.

I don't know what to do.
I can't help him and it makes me depressed.
And I love him so much that at this point I don't know what I'd do without him.

I wish he'd just come home.