Okay, so I start my counseling on Thursday at 11:00, I have many things to discuss, but right now the big is his whole fetish dealyhoo, I can't stop thinking about it. There is the rational part of me that is telling me over and over that it has nothing to do with me, that he was interested before he met me and it doesn't mean that he loves me any less. I remember what started it all, in the early stages of the relationship I had made some comment about thinking that porn was disgusting, he hadn't said anything that made me say this, he had never discussed the subject, I forget why I brought it up, I think it was because my brother would watch porn when I was in the room, like on the computer or whatever, so I just said that I thought it was gross, way too geared for men. So, Nathan says to me, "Well, you just haven't seen the right kind of porn, it's not all disgusting." Well, this got me all excited, I didn't say anything else at that point, but I was thinking, "Woohoo, maybe we can watch this so-called not disgusting porn together!" Then a short time later my computer wasn't working and so my mom asked if maybe she could use his computer when he was at work, he said to me, jokingly, sorta, "She'll probably find my porn." I tried to probe a little about what that might be, but he didn't really say anything, so I dropped it. Well, then I discovered something that I was not expecting in the vehicle, in almost open view, something that just about ruined me, something that I jumped to conclusions about, something that I will try to discuss in the future, but it's still a little too painful, anyway, so we had a discussion later in the evening. After clarifying the first situation, I asked him what the damn not disgusting porn was, that's when he almost broke down and told me that it was the expansion hickeydoo, later that evening he showed me some of the pictures, then that was pretty much it, until, like I said I say something on the bank statement that I disvcovered was from one of the expansion comics websites, Bambi Blazebelly, I believe, it was only $11.99, I couldn't find out what it was on the site, I don't need to know, really I don't, but I'm just becoming obsessed.
I remember when I was discussing the possibility of watching porn together, he said something that I thought was wonderful, "I'd rather not watch it, I just sit there thinking Wow, he's really giving it to her, or she has so fake boobs, I only want to think about you when we are together." I mean, I know that he's not like doing this all of the time, like I said, he's either here or at work, we have to take him everywhere, every once in awhile he goes to his friends for the evening, but when I play Rock Band on the XBOX I always see them on Halo. I'm just trying to stress to everyone reading this that it's not that I'm worried that he's doing things that he shouldn't behind my back, I guess I'm worried the most about him being attracted to me, but that's silly, here's the best example that I can give. I think that Christian Bale is one Hell of a hot and sexy man, but in no way does that subtract how sexy and hot I think that my man is, they are two completely unrelated things, that's how I know I should feel about the whole fetish thing, that he still loves me, he just likes that on a different level, that's my problem, it's irrational, just like my fear of the really tiny spiders, sure, I'm afraid of the big ones, too, but for some reason the tiny ones scare me more.
I am totally going to talk the ear off of that darn therapist, there is totally going to be some regression, have to bitch about the parents and brother, how they made me feel like no matter what I did it wasn't good enough or even worth rating, always making fun of me, it's like I don't know how to handle the way that he treats me, he treats, me, gasp, wonderfully, doesn't allow me to cut myself down, worries about my needs, take his friends, for instance. His friends are all pretty cool, I mean, like people that you'd want to hang out with, attractive, basically successful, he integrated me right away, he wasn't ashamed of me, not that he should be, but I'm just conditioned to believe that I'm an outcast, a goofball, the comic relief, but he wasn't worried about that. So, maybe I'm worried about him starting to be disinterested in me, to want a comic book expanded belly babe, but then, when I think about it, I probably should be more afraid of World of Warcraft, I mean, he averages three or more hours a night on there, I have no idea in Hell when he does the other stuff. I mean, why do we worry when our men want to look at Playboy, that's probably just a few minutes as opposed to hours and hours watching football and asking for a cold one.
Whew, that was a long one, sorry to be so long winded.
