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Sometimes I wonder whether I'm dreading dangerous path when I act friendly to my guy friends. Particularly those who've confessed their feelings for me. Sometimes I worry whether I blur the boundaries of my intention of friendship towards them. But then I remind myself that I clearly spoke my decision already. So boys shouldn't be thinking 'anymore' right?

One night, when 'he' was overseas on holidays, 'his' friend, Chris was drunk, he confessed that he might be falling for me. We were really good mates at the time and I kind of wasn't really surprised since his other friend already told me he liked me. Plus, Chris' actions were kind of obvious. But I managed to convince myself it was all nothing. So my initial reaction was, 'why' (I always honestly wondered what was so good about me), but he didn't answer, so I told him I had someone else. Then he ended with, 'let me tell you something. I don't think you realise how amazing of a person you are, so make sure you find someone who tells you that.' And the conversation pretty much ended there.

The next day, the thoughts of the previous night kept swimming and darting and flying and circling in my head until I completely drowned in them. The next time I saw him online, I decided that it was time I told him that I was 'seeing' his friend. But before I could, he already guessed it. Was I really an open book? Am I that easy to read? For 3 or so months I always believed I was being the perfect actor nominated for an Oscar. But to Chris, I failed. He said all I could ever talk about was 'him'. Sigh. Really? I had another agenda that night. I wanted to tell Chris that I decided to end my relationship with 'him', (a few nights before Chris told me how 'he' was contemplating on getting a one night stand - long story, maybe later I'll explain). As miraculous and surprising as snow falling in my area during Summer - any time really - Chris encouraged me to not end the relationship. He said a lot of things that made me re think my decision, almost even falling sorry for 'him'. I couldn't imagine the hurt Chris would have been feeling trying to make me change my mind about his friend. Why was he being such a good person to me? When I just kept pulling and tugging and eventually shredding his heart. Exactly, what type of person is he that he'd sacrifice himself for a friend? But that's just it, 'he' is a friend to him. What was I to Chris that he was willing to let me go?

Either way, I wanted to end whatever I had with 'him'. And it turns out, in 'his' eyes, there was nothing from the beginning. Chris was there for me though and I'm glad he was. I've fallen down the hierarchy of importance to him. However, I'm still up there, somewhere. He'd still do absolutely anything for me and I'm still wanting to be a really good friend to him. Every now and then, I question if I might be falling for him. But I can't. He would probably be the most amazing BF but something inside me tells me I shouldn't. Each day, I yearn for his company ever more so than 'him'. Although, I yearn for 'him', more than just 'his' company. I long for 'his' heart, 'his' worries, 'his' time. But I know that 'his' venom won't do me any good.

Maybe that's just it, maybe his venom has already taken over my body.