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Sex/Pain/Anger

This year has been rough and this is why…

When I first look at this cute indian marine and I thought my god this really cute guy wants to be with me. He seduced me to bed when we were hanging out while we were playing pool but I have to say that he was very competitive. I kinda thought he actually wanted me to win before I even know it, he won and wanted me to buy a drink. I was very naïve before I realized that he became alcoholic. When we went back to his basement apartment, he left me there by myself and said I’m going out for drinks with the boys and I thought ‘my god he actually going to leave me by myself in the town that I don’t even know where on my way out’ When he came back, I was already in bed he woke me up and I was really upset for him to do that. We got into a huge fight that he ended up punched the door and bled.

Everybody said that I’m very pretty, smart, very attractive and any guys would be soooo lucky to have me but I never believe that which so ever. I’m very insecure because of my personal situation and I never understand what they see in me. Everytime when I look in the mirror I thought why am I this way? why everybody is taking advantage of me? why am I making stupid mistakes? and still take everybody’s shit or taking assholes in my life and pull me through the sprial all over again. Its hard for me not to see what everybody sees the guy and when he stand by my side I thought he wants to be with me just for me. But he ended up taking advantage of me and I was too blind to see it until there’s tears flowing down on my face.

I have met another guy before and everybody said that he’s not a good person and stuff like everybody says in highschool that kinda thing. Then 5 years later, he found me somehow; he told me all about his past girlfriends, his situation and been jailed like twice. He made sound like “poor me, poor me”. So I felt really bad and he said that he wanted to catch up with me so I went over to his place. After while, we started dating and my mom and my bestfriend told me that they were happy because I’m happy. About month or two later, we got into car accident he drove my car and never done a thing to make the situtation better. My mom hated him and so did my bestfriend, he brought me down so low that I was soo mean to my family, dressed different and think that the world was so cold and grey also not going to work few times. We had deep sexual life and seem like that all he wanted was sexual relationship and I remembered that we fought so terribly and he even threated me up to the wall. I don’t know if I will never forget because I was so terrified and said that I will never get out of it until when he wanted to. I don’t know how to get out of it unti I realized that I was different what I use to be so I thought I should go over to my grandmother’s grave whom I looked up to because she was such a strong woman. I went over and pray. I said I will never go back with him every again. Everytime I see him around, I get really angry and soo upset, I would say He’s Nothing But I’m Worth It.