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I Need A Distraction

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I am writing this blog so I can hear the rhythmic typing of my keyboard keys. I am at work and I need a distraction from the conversation that is going on two desks beside me. I have come to the hard realization that I can no longer work for this company. I can't take it anymore. I cannot keep going through this roller coaster of bullshit because I have reminders every single day of what happened between my ex and I. I can't see him anymore. I can't see her anymore. I cannot take any more of the crap that goes on around here with people not doing their jobs and getting away with it. I cannot continue to have panic attacks every. single. day. Friday is his birthday. Big whoop. Except that I am a total moron and I got him a gift. I got it weeks ago. I am not going into the details of what happened but here is the painful scoop. I broke up with him because I needed some space and time to figure out what I needed. We were not happy. We were fighting every day. I wanted better for us. A day later he goes out on a date with a girl from work. WE ALL WORK TOGETHER. He continues to pursue her. Him and I are still living together at this point. He brings her over to OUR home to watch movies. Low down right? Yea. I basically lost it. I became suicidal and had to stay in the hospital for a few days because I was going to kill myself. I live on my own now. We moved into seperate apartments after that. This is just a blurp of what went down by the way. Anyway, they are still friends. I have to see both of them nearly every day that I come to work. They are not dating that I know of, but I feel like dying everytime I see them. Disorders to date: depression, ptsd, panic/anxiety, unstable mood, and attachment issues. Now I am not saying that he is the cause of all this. He just very seriously exacerbated them. That fact that I see him and her everyday....fuck. I couldn't work for a couple months after it all happened. I was not stable. 7 fucking years of my life. Fuck him and fuck her. Earlier today I heard her talking to her friend, who happens to be on the same team as I am, who is the same dumb bitch who never does her god damn job, that they are going to all out out on Friday with him. Well la dee freaking da. I was talking to Val on Tuesday (the therapist that I've been seeing since all this shit went down) and she was saying I need to leave. She has been saying it for a long time but I am finally starting to agree. How the fuck am I supposed to move on when I am reminded every single day of all the heartache and betrayal that happened. Betrayal. That's a good word. I seem to come across that a lot. Like when my mom chose her child molester boyfriend over her own children. What else is new?! My dad blames his life on the kids. (Myself and my two younger sisters) He says his life is shit because of us. No surprise there right?! Betrayal. B.E.T.R.A.Y.A.L. Such a great word for a great feeling. I am counting down the days when I can leave this miserable place. I will be graduating from school in the summer. BA in English and BS in Psychology. I know that I am going to have to take a pay cut. I am going to save as much money as I can now so even if I am short every once in a while, I will be ok. If something happens then I have some extra money to hold me over. I am going to give myself one year. 365 days from today to graduate and find another job. It gives me something to look forward to.

365

Question of the night:

Name one current goal and how you plan to achieve it.

Thanks for reading.

Posted by MyNameIsElle on 2009-10-14 23:08:52 | Rating:

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wow. you are truely a stronq person. you are writinq down how you feel, instead of lockinq it up inside for the pain to qet worse. althouqh you are seeinq a therapist, maybe talkinq to yourself is better. you tell yourself you need to leave and tell yourself that you are worth so much more then the bitch and the quy. if you are home and she and him are there, damn, call your qirls over and have a qood time! either drive them out ; or just have fun! you cant let him stop you from livinq your life. neither can u. betrayel, yeaa. but strenqth, YES. itll qet better. maybe you can write some thinqs that you have wanted to do. iceskate, bowl, qo visit someone? meet new people. maybe if you do new thinqs, a new air will flow throuqh.. like, enerqy.. to just be happy. you never know. maybe them seeinq u happy.. will just drive them nuts. just be stronq (:

Posted by blacksheepbeauty on 2009-10-14 23:18:18

Wow. Good for you letting it all out! Yes you need to leave. Sooner the better. You can't move on from that pain if you see it everyday. I feel like I have it easy. I moved out and we don't work in the same place, not even close. You are strong. If I saw my ex everyday I would probably been in the hospital too. Screw him for dating a girl the day after...but I know you don't want to hear this. But deep down, he still loves you. Whether or not he loves you the same way is the issue. But that doesn't matter. You need to get out of there. How long have yall been apart again? A friend gave me a book it's called "How to heal a hurtful relationship". I know it sounds silly...I hate self help books but this one really made me focus not on the bad but the good that was in me....you are better than this! You can do it girl!!!

Posted by yourstruly on 2009-10-16 22:51:21

Wow! Hang in there. Life will get better. I know my life was a complete roller coaster ride when I was in college, and going to work. so much to do, so little time.

As far as the guy, you are so much better off without him. I know it hurts now, but if that jerk would be so inconsiderate and heatless to bring over another woman to your home....good riddance. You need to find someone who loves and respects you for the great strong lady that you are. Don't waste time on someone who doesn't treat you well. You are too good to put up with that.

I completely understand about the job. Sometimes we all need a change to just start over. Focus on what you want to do, and set your mind to do it. It sounds like you have a great plan, and have taken some really good steps to accomplish your goal. Stay positive, and keep your life focused on positives...like blessings and the positive changes that you have planned for the future.

As far as my goal for the next 365, I have been dealing with panic attacks and anxiety for most of my life. It reached an out of control level for me a few months ago, and I went on some medications out of desperation. The meds worked really great for me, but I am trying to deal with my stuff, so I came off of my antidepressant/ anti-anxiety medication to see of I can deal on my own. My goal is to regain control of my life and to cope without the meds. So far so good. I think the key for me has been learning to live in the moment, and not in the past regrets and failures, and not worrying about the future "what ifs" theat probably will never happen anyway.

Hope that you have a great night and a great weekend. You will get through all the stuff. you are strong. Hang in there!

Posted by Hope_Springs_Eternal on 2009-10-17 04:03:28

I wanted to say thank you for all the support. It is really touching to have people read this and understand....(tearing up)

Hope - That is such a great goal. I went off my meds a few months ago because they just weren't working for me anymore. The anti-anxiety ones were great though. But... I became really dependent on them so I had to stop before I accidentally over dosed. Keep me updated!!! :)

Posted by MyNameIsElle on 2009-10-17 13:54:36