| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| Baring My Soul |
And what a dark soul it is. Its been kind of a bad day today. I had my test this morning. I don't know how I did. I feel like I did ok but I did a lot of guessing. I have a 3.85 GPA right now. There is no much pressure to not mess that up. When I get stressed I want to harm myself in horrible ways. There are times when I want to do it just to remind myself that I can. Just to see what it feels like. I keep playing with the idea of burning myself with a cigarette. Like I don't have enough scars... My ex and I work at the same company. Same building. I have anxiety attacks when I see him. I could be in a great mood and seeing him just kills it. PTSD is a horrible disorder. Very painful. I found myself wishing I had a razor at work today so I could deal with my emotions. Its the only way I know how to make the pain go away. On my way home today I thought about running my car into the back of a construction truck. I've been so hard on myself lately. Calling myself ugly, fat, stupid, at every turn. Its almost like a mantra for me. I don't even know why I hate myself so much. I've dealt with depression for a long time. When we broke up, I broke. Yes, he was my life. A part of me died with that relationship. I considered sleeping with him again because...because I don't know. Because maybe it will fix something. Maybe it will fix me. I haven't slept with him in nearly a month and a half. I still think about throwing myself at because I have no self-respect. Yea... all of this is a part of me. I have issues. I know that if I continue to sleep with him, there is going to come a time when he tell me no. Then what? A part of me wants him to say no, but I want him to show that he cares for me in a different way. Something he cannot do. He doesn't feel that way about me. And besides, I'm still angry and so god damn hurt about all that's happened. I haven't forgiven him. I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for all the things I've done to me. The sex, the scars...the self talk.
I don't know what else to say. I've revealed some of the ugliest parts of me. To anyone reading this... if you have thoughts of self harm, please seek help. I see a therapist regularly to help me cope. No matter what, its not worth hurting yourself over. I look at my scars and I cry. I can't take it back. The fix is temporary. The damage is forever....
Tonight's question:
Name one thing you've done that you regret. Did you forgive yourself and if so, how?
Thanks for reading.
|
|
Posted by MyNameIsElle on 2009-09-29 01:44:44 | Rating: | Views: 37
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
