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Today, I am feeling a bit blue. I don't have a specific reason, but the melancholy is there none-the-less. Perhaps it is that seasonal disorder they talk about. I am sick of the snow and sick of trying so hard to be healthy. (I am so grateful for the words of encouragement I recently received from fellow bloggers)
I have lost 24 pounds since mid January. I need to lose 15 more. This is just one of those days when I feel like crying. I could fall into that pit of self-pity with such ease. I am afraid that if I do I will stay there for a long time.
Nothing in my life has been easy. I would like to have a few years of peace, contentment and good health. Damn, I can't shake this uneasiness.
When I started this blog I said I was feeling blue without a reason. I guess just writing this blog has clarified my thoughts. I now realize I am in a diet/ health crisis that can cause me to backslip. I have to hold on and move forward one day at a time and see the end result in my mind's eye. But, oh God, it is such an uphill climb. I have never felt closer to my obese mother than I do right now. All those years she struggled and suffered at a weight over 200 pounds, I did not understand why she didn't just go on a diet and lose it. My comprehension of her inner turmoil was limited by my youthful, high metabolism.
Mom, now that you are gone I am walking in your shoes. The excess weight is not as great as yours
was. The emotional wall, however, is the same. The fears and embarrassment are the same. I am trying mom. I am trying to get out of your shoes and walk in my own. I want running shoes. I want to run just like in my youth. And I hope you forgive my lack of understanding. I am missing you very much today. |
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Posted by My1Heart on 2008-03-03 18:14:39 | Rating: | Views: 69
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think about all the progress you made and be proud of yourself, tomorrow is another day. Some days are just better when they are over.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-03-03 18:56:21
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