Well Xmas eve and part of xmas day were great for me I got to spend it with my kids and it was nice, I saw them open all their lovely presents etc.

Unfortunately thats about as good as my day got when I took the kids back to hers I felt really sad and couldn't help but shed a tear, it was hard seeing her as I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with her and to wake up next to her. So I went home in tears and quite frankly wanted to die, so much so I cut my left arm with a knife a few times just to release the tension and it did help, but afterwards I felt bad and now I have scars on my arm but there we go thats what I deserve.

I saw her today we did a bit of shopping together which was really nice, I helped her pick out some new clothes and some nice new shoes, we shared a hug and a kiss over lunch in the pub, but she was so nervous as her other half was in town as well so she was worried about bumping into him, I of course wasnt as I wished we would so at least he would know.I wish she would make her mind up I really want her and would do anything to have her be a part of my life. I told her that im here for her and would do anything for her.It was hard to say goodbye as I really wanted her to come back home with me as I had a free house as the kids are staying at my mums, but I guess she didn't want to make him even more suspicious than he already is.

I wish life was so straight forward, i mean going into the new year probably even more of a mess than I was last year because now instead of being angry and hating her I love her again, she told me today that she never imagined falling in love with me again, I really hope that this means she definitely is considering moving back with me. She also said that a song we had played at our wedding made her cry in a shop earlier today.

I think that you never really can be cured of depression I have suffered from it for nearly 8 years now and it comes and goes, but im determined this time to just let it be without having to take any of those screwy drugs, im going to get through this but sometimes I wake up and I can barely move cos I just dont have the motivation, the only thing im motivated about is getting her back and making her happy again !